Finding Me......

I know it's been a minute since I posted but I have been busy. Of all the moves I have made this one has helped me personally than any. Has there been the trials? Of course and there will be more.

One of the biggest advantages of living here in Dexter is being close to family. I knew I missed them living in Mississippi but didn't realize how much until I came back. It has been beneficial for Elijah too. Not only does he just adore my folks but he is getting to know some of his cousins better.  We have a couple of great neighbors too.  

When Ron and I decided that we would make a go of him transporting I knew I needed a support system. That was proved on Sunday, there has been lots of others but Sunday... I heard Elijah's cry and my heart dropped. With my medical background I knew he needed to be checked out. But I had taken a muscle relaxer and didn't feel comfortable driving. Drugs and adrenalin don't mix for me. I called my Dad and he came and drove us. Him being there also helped me cope with the anxiety and panic that  can take over.

That leads into the next topic. I am doing talk therapy along with seeing a Dr.

I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and Anxiety disorder with panic attacks. 

I am so thankful for Bootheel Councling Service for helping me through a grant. I am still not able to get Medicaid until we sell our land and won't be eligible for Medicare until November. It's a scary thing to be off my lupus meds and what my body may decide to do. But with the help of the clinic I am dealing. 

I didn't realize how very far down I had gone until I started to climb out. My self esteem was in the toilet I had really been hating myself. I am working on it. I'm learning tools to try to help with the anxiety and panic so I can do things and be a part of my family again. I'm trying and for now that's good enough.

As you all know we decided to homeschool Elijah this past school year. I bought a curriculum that I was familiar with and well it probably wasn't the right fit for him or me. We are still working on school but that's ok I was so worried about it but I finally realized that was why we did this for freedom. We are getting back into a rhythm and I do believe we will keep homeschooling. If our 2nd grade runs into the start of the new school year calender then so be it.  However I am going to make big changes come next year. Not sure exactly what yet but I am researching.

That's the scoop for now.

Another Big Move

As most of you know by now we have moved to Missouri. Several different factors lead to this. One being if Ron was going to continue to drive for a living I needed to be closer to family for support with Elijah in case my health acts up.

As many of you know moving is not fun and it's challenging at its best when you go across town. Several states away lends itself to a whole new ball game.
My dad once again came down to help. And our friends Paul and Cyndi helped more than any friends should. But we got it all packed. By the first day of loading I was exhausted and my body put the brakes on things with 2 seizures in one day. This doesn't happen often and rarely more than one in a day. So I was told several times to take it easy and the thought of me driving 6 1/2 hours at high rates of speed was called into question. Again our friends stepped up and one drove one of the uhaul trucks while the other drove me in their vehicle so they could turn around and go back home. About 3 hours in the second of dad's tires blew on his trailer. Finding a place on a Saturday night in the middle of no where was not happening. But God once again took care of us. It blew right before a rest area so we could safely pull over to inspect it. Ron was able to rig it enough to get to Southhaven to get food and rooms for the night. The next morning we didn't know what would be open on a Sunday but less than a block from the hotel was the only tire shop open on Sundays. They even had the oddball size he needed. We got back on the road and had a safe trip the rest of the way. Our friends even took Ron back down to pick up our truck that was going to be ready that Monday. I sure miss them all ready.

Before we moved up here dad was getting a storage unit for us since we didn't have a house yet. He told the lady he better get two since he hadn't found a house for us. There was another guy standing in there who she turned and said you have any available right now? He did actually. I went and looked at it but it was just not right. He said well I have another but I haven't even had a chance to walk through it yet. We came right over and it was just what we needed. And it wasn't in too bad of shape. We do have a small list of things that he is going to take care of, but he even offered to build a ramp on the front so I can get my wheelchair in and out easy for Elijah and I to go to the park on the next street.
Tell me God doesn't take care of our needs!
And not having been in town but a couple days and Ron already has a job interview after being off work since July!!

I am excited to start this new chapter in our life!

New Year

We spent NYE with our good friends. I feel so blessed that my best friend just happens to have a hubby and kids that get along with mine so we can do these get togethers. Because sometimes it feels really lonely being so far from family. Yes my three some under my roof is family. But when you grow up with everyone and their brother being around for holidays ok for any day, 3 is quiet, 3 is not cooking all THAT food. It also doesn't tell stories and bring the laughter that more does. And well right now I need more laughing.

Not much has changed yet with jobs or our truck or money problems but that night we were fun! We laughed, joked, ran around (Elijah only) and forgot if only for a short time those problems.

Not only does my bff fulfill my family need she is also my iron. We together have started a devotional/ read through the Bible in a year. It has been since high school since I have read the whole thing. I am quick to pray, but not so quick to pick up the owners manual for the answers. I have put the app on my kindle even but just pulled it up to help Elijah with school. Accountability is good!

To end I am going to add some pictures of our fun on NYE. My brilliant friend set up balloons for every hour for the kids to pop, inside was a place that was celebrating the new year at that time. The kids then marked it on the world map. Some places were easier to find than others. On the back of the paper had an activity. She had such a fun night planned for them. A couple crafts, homemade caramel popcorn, games. Elijah had a blast as did we.

Hope you did too!

Lost but now I'm found

It has been way too long since I wrote a blog post. I kinda gave up on it when I stopped working, but within the past two days I have been really been thinking about it and then a friend kicked me out of the nest and here we are.

So much has changed in the last few months- year. I know some of you know what has been going on but I am going to hit on the high points or low points as it may be.

Here is my family's Christmas letter so to say.

Hannah moved to Missouri to live with my folks and go to school up there. She did good her first semester and is excited to start taking classes that are toward a career path and not just college requirements. I miss that girl so much. Even though she lived on campus last year I was still able to see her and have her come visit on some of the weekends. I am so proud of her for helping my folks out though. My dad loves that she is a good cook too, his doctor may not though. ;-)

Elijah is homeschooling this year. It has been good for both of us. Although since Thanksgiving we have been really touch and go. But I am not worried about it. As long as we get the work done in the long run that's all I care about. He has a couple kids here in the neighborhood and our homeschool group that he still gets to play with, but he is not getting bullied any more so he is so much happier for play time.
He had some confusing feelings a few months back and was showing signs of depression. Thanks to the help of others we were able to get him into see a therapist. And he is doing great. He is doing so much better at talking things out instead of being quick to anger. A parent doesn't know pain until you can't help your child. Mentally or physically we all want to make their pain go away.

Ron is still out of work. Although he has applied for hundreds of jobs. He was starting to make a go of our own business, hauling campers and things until the transmission went out on our truck. Sadly we only had it a few months but since we bought it used there was no warranty.

Guess that leaves me. I have had to swallow my pride several times in the last few months and ask  for help. Most of it was for Elijah or the benefit of him. For him I will gladly fall on my sword.
I posted on Facebook that I am starting to realize that when you feel like your world is crumbling, maybe it's just God taking the pieces you put in the wrong spot and building you stronger.
I haven't been able to see one of my doctor's due to an insurance change and the one Dr in our area that will take that insurance and new patients can't see me until February. I am struggling with out some of the meds. I fight the depression, the dark thoughts, the few hours of sleep or wanting to sleep all the time. Headaches that just won't go away and irritability mixed with messed up emotions. Not sure if I want to scream or cry, or cry because I screamed.
Yes I am praying and trying to lean more on God than me. I had someone tell me you can't be depressed if you are really living right with God. Well I disagree! I know what I have going on with me is chemical imbalances and I thank God for his creations that discovered the medication to help. I don't understand why we still have such a stigma around mental illnesses. I am not ashamed to be who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn't make mistakes!! I am not broken, although my body and spirit sometimes feel that way.

Ok time to wrap this one up and hopefully I will be writing more frequently.

A Good American by Alex George

If you haven't guessed it's another book review. I have got some great reads lately. 
This is defiantly one of them. A Good American by Alex George is a family story.
It starts like most family stories start with two people falling in love. But their love is forbidden by Jette's mother. So after Jette finds herself pregnant and her mother furious she talks Frederick to move from Germany to America.  

The story is told in the voice of James their grandson. He goes through the struggles of their journey to America and where they go once they get here.  The tale of life as an immigrant, which lets face it somewhere down our family tree is our tale.  There are many struggles and several learning curves. New language, new custom's, trying to find work. 

He tells the families story all way through him as an adult. There are several twist and turns. I laughed and I cried. It made me want to learn more about my family that first made the journey to this land of freedom. How brave and scared they must have been. 
After moving just to a different state I know how much worry I had. I can't begin to imagine what they went to. It's not like today where you could get online and do research. And travel was long and hard by boat. 

I was given this book and compensation for my review, but as always the opinion is my own.
Check out more about this book here....
http://www.blogher.com/good-american?from=bhspinner

Touch & Go by Lisa Gardner

I was so excited when I got this book. I read more crime and mystery novels then anything, so I thought this one was going to be right up my alley. Boy was I not disappointed. I read this book in two days. It is not War & Peace, but not a small book either. It was just that good.

The story is about a family who is abducted from their home. Their home has top of the security and there was nothing of value taken except the people. This family of 3 has their own set of problems before the abduction. Affairs, drug use and lack of communication to name a few.

The book guides you through all they have to go through to stay alive and what the investigators are trying to figure out to save them. There are a few twist and turns which literally made my mouth drop open. But I won't spoil those for you.

I have never read Lisa Gardner before but I am adding her to my list now. If your interested to learn more check out this page, https://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-touch-go

I was given this book and compensation for my review, but as always the opinions are my own.

Ignorance is bliss....I guess

I got a private message on Face book the other day and have been stewing over it ever since. They are not a close friend just one of those I knew you kinda once people. (no names)
But the question that was sent to me was this... "I read your blog posts today. How can you say your depressed and ready to commit suicide one post and the brag about you taking in a child that's not yours in another?"

Well first off I don't think I have ever bragged about Ron and I taking in a child. We have taken in several through the years. I may brag about the child itself and their accomplishments, just like I do my other children. When a child enters your heart it doesn't matter if its by birth, marriage or unforeseen circumstance you just love them.  Or at least that is what Ron and I do.

We learned this from our parents. Both of our parents took extra kids into their homes. We never planned it out. When we were talking of marriage and child rearing. It never came up as an endeavor to take on.
The children we have taken in have not been in the foster system per say, but rather friends of our children or ones we heard about that needed a place to stay or a change of scenery.

Now for the second part of my rant. Depression is NOT something you choose to have or not have. It is not something I can say ok I am over this and be happy again. It is a chemical balance issue. Ask any doctor and they will tell you the truth. I am no longer ashamed to say I take meds to stabilize my chemicals. If for no other fact then it makes my life better. With out the anti-depressants I am on a roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. It makes it hard on me and my family. Yes I still have moments even on the meds. But they are more controlled and happen less often.

The other bee in my bonnet is I did not just make this up. This is not in my head. Not something I am doing to get attention or drugs. I don't like taking 19+ pills every day. I do it to stay alive and semi functional. I did not choose to have depression just like I didn't have a say in if I got Lupus. It is what it is. You either let it control you, or you do the best you can to control it. When my little boy wants to know what each and every med is as I fill my pill box (other wise I forget thanks to the disease and meds), I tell him this one keeps mommy happy, this one keeps me living etc.

Maybe I got too upset by the question. It just hurts that in 2013 people are still so uneducated.