The Magic Room book review.

I was recently given "Jeffrey Zaslow's The Magic Room: A Story About the Love We Wish for Our Daughters" in exchange for my review of the book. Having a daughter myself I was excited to read this book, and it did not disappoint.


The book centers around a room in a bridal shop called The Magic Room. It is a room in the store that is a bank vault converted into this magical room  with a pedestal, soft lighting and lots of mirrors. It is the room that makes every bride look good. Where mother's and brides put aside their differences and arguments about wedding planning and where the reality of my baby is getting married sets in.


The book tells several stories of these women that come into the bridal shop. You learn a back story for each of the brides. Each story touches your heart in a different place, I laughed and cried with this one.
It also tells the story of the owners of the bridal shop, the Becker family.  From the founder to four generations later, the ups and downs that come with running a business and making it work with family. 


As I was reading this book I thought wow Jeffery Zaslow has a great imagination, I would have thought this book was written by a woman with all the emotion and detail about buying a wedding dress. It wasn't until the end of the book that I read it was all based on true stories. Some how that makes it even more heartfelt. 
If you are a woman that has ever been married, thought of getting married or had a daughter get married I think you will like this book. It is very well written and even though it tells the story of so many it flows nicely from each one and you don't feel lost.


Check out more reviews of the book and an ongoing discussion about it at http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-magic-room.

Taking a break

We are child free for almost 2 weeks. This is something that has happened for many years with Hannah and Elijah quickly picked up the habit too. You see they are lucky enough to have grandparents who love them and want to spend as much time with them as possible, (which is never enough). To the kids it is a time to be spoiled, not with things although a trip to the store yielded a new toy yesterday, but with love and giggles too.
I still worry about Elijah being so far away for so many days. We talk on the phone several times while he is gone and we are going to try to use Skype this time around. I know I shouldn't worry too much as we were leaving on Sunday he started telling me "nanana you have to go to work and I get to go on special field trips with Papa and you don't" Yeah the kid already has it all figured out.

Hannah has taken several trips with my parents over the years. She has seen some really cool things and got to meet people in our family that she might not have had the chance to otherwise. She has great memories of these trips and people. It has helped to mold her into the great traveler she is and part of the reason I let her go to Costa Rica last summer. I know she has some travel smarts thanks to many trips. Although Elijah won't be taking any long trips with my folks, because they are kinda tied to the house with Grandma. He is still getting the Independence of being away from Mom & Dad. He is showered in hugs and kisses. He doesn't have to worry about hurting me when he is climbing around. And although I do feel some guilt about him being gone for almost two weeks. It takes away some of the guilt when I just can't cook dinner after being at work all day.
When it starts to get close to the time for them to come home I seem to really be missing them. But for these first days, sure I miss them. But I am enjoying watching a show without stopping it 4-100 times during. Going to the bathroom alone, ok except for the dog sticking her paws under the door. :-) No matter how much I am enjoying some down time, the need of just one more kiss and hug far out weighs it. I know I will be recharged when they come home and be a better mommy for a while then I was when I left them.

Thanks again to my parents for loving me and my children so much! You are just truly awesome people!!
(I mean who else do I get that from right?) LOL

Buried deep inside

Are you an explosive person or a lock it away personality?
I am a lock it away and store it up type. I am starting to think that this lovely trait may contribute to my Fibro pain. I know it is not the cause. That is due to faulty misfires in the brain. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Fibro also, she is a nurse and has started her own that helps explain in lay terms some of the things that happen with Fibro. You can check that out here, http://yourfibroquestionsanswered.wordpress.com/
Her and I have become  kindred spirits in this battle. Yes every person deals with and feels different symptoms of the same disease. No two people are alike.
I have tried real hard not to keep complaining about the pain. My family gets the brunt of it, which really don't we all give our families the worst sometimes The run down stressed out us? They are the ones that see me come home from work and lay in the bed. They see the pain on my face, hear the moans and groans when I move. All of my health problems are not just mine alone. They are also those of my family. No they haven't been diagnosed with them, they just carry the load. My kids have had to learn way to early in life what someone who is chronically ill deals with. My 3 year old has heard one too many times don't wiggle while I am holding you it hurts too bad. He often asks me if I am sick again. He just doesn't understand, yet he does.

I am realizing what I need to do to keep on well keeping on. I need to find a new job. The stress and extra problems here add more weight on my already painful shoulders. I need to start getting things off my chest. Not that I have a lot of complaints per say. I just bottle. I need to release that pressure valve. I have started doing stretching again in the mornings because it hurts so good. I know it hurts while I am doing it, but I know it will make the rest of the day better. I will make alone time, time to chill a priority. I have to. At this point in my life I am lucky to go to the bathroom and not have a dog or kid at the door or coming through the door to join me. Ron has started to help with this. But I need to find a time to let this mind that won't shut off chill without being mom, wife or employee. The only catch is not feeling guilty while I do..........

Been a while

I realized that it has been a while since I have made a post. Time and life seem to get away from me sometimes.
This year in general seems to be a test in endurance. I feel like either me or someone in my house has been sick since December of last year. Although there were a few days of non-sickness that's not really that far from the truth.

Lately I have been in a great deal of pain again. Which has been frustrating and depressing. I thought we had got a handle on it where I could at least function. I went and saw the Rheumy on Wednesday and said "I feel like every since I had my surgery that the pain has just gradually worked it's way back in and now is worse then ever". She (saw the PA) told me that is not that uncommon really. After a surgery or sickness (oh yeah pneumonia  too) you go into a flare and it takes a while to get it back in check often it takes a change up on the dosage or even a change of meds to get you out of it. I LOVE when my doctor makes me feel like I am not crazy or just being a wimp with the pain. So we are trying some different doses on meds (if I can get the insurance to approve one of them, because they said it is over the recommended dose). And added some new ones. One of which I took for the first time last night. And I slept...yes I actually slept from 10pm to 6:30am. I felt like a new woman this morning. If I can get a few more nights of this I might actually become a happy person again. I know my family would like that. I am not a very happy person when I am getting 3 hours of sleep if I am lucky and hurting all the time. It just doesn't work.
I also was given a sleeping pill, but when I went to get it last night the generic form of it was still a 50.00
co-pay so we will wait until payday for that one.

I can not tell you the last day that I didn't have pain. I am not complaining or trying to get you to feel sorry for me. Just to maybe have it make a little more sense to some. Unlike a guy at work who said " you are too young to hurt that bad" or " maybe if you lost more weight it would help". Yes real things that have been said to me. To which I replied "Illness knows no age" and (pardon my language) "Screw you! I have lost 43lbs since January. You take steroids 5 different times get 3 different steroid shots in a year and tell me how easy it is for you to take off that extra weight your carrying around!" "Not to mention I feel lucky to get out of bed and dressed most days, exercise is not the easiest thing to do right now, if you want to pay for my membership at the health plex so I can work out in the water, great!"  OK So it ticked me off a little.

On a brighter note some things I am loving. That my 3yr old has this southern drawl sometimes. I admit to pretend I didn't hear him the first time, just so I can hear him say it again. I enjoy it in the mornings that I take a shower and the mirror fogs up. I only wipe off enough for my face. It gives me that view of my pretty face and nothing else. Like my own little glamour shot LOL. I also like that when I am standing in front of said mirror my puppy dog likes to lay on my feet and keep them warm. To some this may be an annoyance, but to me where the cold hurts so bad it feels nice. Maybe that is why she does it.... they say dogs can sense things in their owners hhhmmmm??  I am so grateful that my teenager is so very loving and thoughtful. She helps cook and clean, helps give her brother a bath. I do not take all these things lightly. I know she could so be a pain in the backside and just give me more pain, but she doesn't. I tell her often how much I appreciate it and how much it helps.

On a random note as I was scrapping off the windows and Ron was doing his. I said why can't they make all the other windows in the car defrost like the back one? It is cleaned off completely by the time I scrape the others. He said they tried it for a while on the Taurus, but something about it took too much juice and the battery wasn't getting recharged. Shucks. So if you know a whiz kid, tell them to invent a way for that to work will ya please? My aching body would love ya forever! 

Quiet time

Goodness it's been a while since I posted on here. My life felt like it was in a tail spin for months on end.
The Lord has given me this path to walk for a reason. I might not see the true purpose yet. But I hang on to the fact that I know it's there.  Maybe these struggles will allow me to tell someone else that I have been in a situation like theirs or maybe it will give me compassion for someone else that I otherwise would have judged.
I know this time has also been hard on my family. Does this mean that God is teaching them through this or are they just innocent bystanders that get hit with my trials? Granted none of them are dying or anything, but I know it has taken an emotional toll and they have had to step up more then normal.

This year in and of itself has taught me a few things. Here is a list of 10 that come to mind now

1) That although I am still in my 30's, I am getting older and with each passing year my laundry list of illness get worse.
2)  What my doctor told me in my teens about Lupus and Edometriosis is/has come true.
3) Loosing weight is hard when your on steroids, but easy when your so sick you don't want to eat.
4) That I need to take better care of myself. I need to eat better. I need some quiet time.
5) I enjoy my quiet time. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But have come to like having even 10 minutes of uninterrupted time to read or just meditate.
6) More times then not, my Bible study, talk to God time is in my car. Sitting in the parking lot at work because I am early and alone.
7) Once Elijah figured out door handles there is really no privacy in the bathroom, And he is smart enough to figure out he has a captive audience.
8) I really miss my friends when I am so sick.
9) I have great friends who have brought us food, prayed for us, brought me medicine. Picked up Hannah. Called just to say you are on my mind and you are still my friend.
10) I feel like I have been a failure of a friend. I have missed things that I wanted to be there for them or their kids. I have not checked in with them as much as I should have. etc.

I hope I am on the mend. Thank you again for all the prayers and encouragement. And I am going to try to be better about writing again. Because it truly gives me pleasure.

Book Review- The Kid

Before I got so sick I wrote another book review for Blogher. Check it out at the link below.

http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/kid-broke-my-heart

Playing Catch up, TMI medical stuff

Wow it has been forever since I last posted on here. So much has been going on and I have been away from a computer. As most of you know I had surgery on the 29th of July. I had extreme pain the day before and left work thinking it was the last of the kidney stones. As I was driving home every bump in the road made me cry. I went straight to my family dr. who took one look at me and thought appendix. So off I went to the hospital for a CAT scan, drinking that lovely prep stuff on the way. I had to have an IV there for the scan, which the gal got on the first poke!! As soon as the scan was over the gal told me to go straight to the surgeons office, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. hehe I said ok what surgeon and where is he? She just assumed that was who sent me over. I told her I didn't think I could walk over there that I needed to go get my car and she told me NO that she would get a wheelchair and an escort to take me where I needed to go.

So as I was talking to the surgeon about what was going on and the options I had. One of these pain attacks hits. I am trying very hard to keep up conversation with him and the tears start to form and roll down my face. He says that's it I am admitting you now, we are going to do the test we need to and get you some pain medication in an IV right away. So someone takes me in a wheelchair to admitting. After getting a room on the Maternity floor, I am taken right up. Whew I thought I finally get some pain meds. This was about 4 in the afternoon. It takes a while for the nurse to come in and start all the paperwork, history, first exam etc. We get all that done and she says I will be right back to get an IV started to get you some meds. Whew I thought...
30 minutes later she comes back. She tries the first spot and misses, digs around and says ok lets try the other arm where they had the IV for the CAT scan (oh how I wish they would have left that in). She gets a vein, then when she starts to flush it blows, fluid filling the skin around it. DANG IT!!  She says that's it I am frustrated and obviously you have bad veins. About that time the surgeon calls to give her orders. She leaves then comes back in about 20 minutes later. Tells me they are going to do a PICC line instead of a normal IV since I will probably have surgery anyhow. Ok lets just get it done. I am in a bunch of pain.
About 6ish they come to take me to ultrasound. I had to have a vaginal one so they could see everything they needed to, they thought my ovary had flipped and was cutting of blood supply at first. This is not the most comfortable thing to start with and when your already in pain It was all I could do not to lay there crying.
I finally get back up to the room and think I might get relief soon. About 8:30ish they come to do the PICC line, it is a sterile procedure so she makes everyone else step out. I had one before when I got MRSA. Know the routine, not the worst thing in the world to have done, but not the most fun either.
She gets the line in and then we have to wait for portable x-ray to come and make sure the line is where it needs to be. For those that don't know. They put a tube in your upper arm and run it through your veins down by your heart. They come do the x-ray around 9:40.
The doctor comes in and says the ovary is not flipped but has issues.He has called a GYN to come look at it in the morning and discuss it with me. Tells me I can eat something tonight but nothing after midnight.
This is now almost 10 and I am alone. I ask the nurse for something since the last I ate was 8am.
Luckily she was a sweet lady and told me she would run down and get me food herself if she had to. She said it is simple stuff, do you think you could eat a hamburger. Sure I said. She tells me she is still waiting for x-ray to give her the ok.
At 10:30ish she comes in with pain medication. I could hear the angels singing as she ran it through the IV. Then about 15 minutes later she brought me food. Around 11:30 I was finally able to lay down enough to rest.
The next morning the GYN in comes in and says that I have cysts on my ovary and he is pretty sure I have had a couple burst because of the amount of liquid he could see. He recommended doing the surgery to clean up the ovary and remove and cyst that were left including the fluid and scar tissue. The general surgeon said since we were going to have me under that he wanted to remove the appendix since it was slightly swollen. He didn't want it to rupture later and me blame the pain on the ovary again and go septic.
So off to surgery we went.
Both doctors came and talked to Ron and Hannah after surgery. They even got to see pictures.
They ended up removing the ovary, because it was twice the size of the other one with several "knots" as Ron put it. This to me is funny, because when we had one of our first ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Elijah the nurse said I can tell you which ovary the egg came from, we said wow how do you know that? She said it came from the left, because the right looks all shriveled up and not working. HA. so not only was it twice the size of the left, but it had to grow more because at one time it was much smaller.

I am recovering well. Still have a little discomfort, and I am having I don't know maybe phantom pains on the right side, like I would with a period. I go back to see the GYN this friday the 12th to discuss the surgery and options from here on out. I will let you know more then.

Thank you for all the prayers, food and well wishes everyone has given to us during this time.

The Beach Trees

I recently did a book review for BlogHer. It was a great book. You can check out my review and others through the link below.

Curl Up With a Copy of The Beach Trees | BlogHer

Catching Up

Summer always seems to be a busy time for us. With Hannah having divorced parent's her time is split up during the summer. It's the time that she gets a big chunk of time with her dad. You all know about her trip this year and that threw off our normal schedule. I have had to sit down with a calendar and plan with her how the rest of the summer would go. She wanted to spend time with my folks, time with her dad of course and with school starting at the first part of August that didn't leave much time left. She will not be doing much with her friends or youth group this year. And it makes me wonder if this is a sign of things to come? Maybe this is what it will be like when she goes to college which is just a few years away (OMG).

With both kids at my folks house this week and next, Ron and I have enjoyed the chance to get to relax and reconnect. Sure we miss the kids. We talk with them on the phone and they are doing great. They have fun with Papa and Grandma. They are spoiled rotten up there, as are all the grandchildren. Which is how it should be.

On the health front we are trying new meds. We increased the dose of one, decreased the dose of another and added two new ones to the mix. One of the new ones is for the bad headaches I have been having so it's not an everyday pill. The other is Cymbalta. I tried taking it in the morning and found that I am really groggy during the day. So I switched it to night. That seems to help some. But I have this feeling of  nausea  most the day. I don't have much of an appetite. Which should aid in the weight loss I suppose. It has not been a full week yet and I want to give it a chance. My overall pain has decreased which is great. I still have a lot of stiffness in the morning which is to be expected. I know I am sleeping harder, Ron says he touches me at night and I don't budge.  I really like this new doctor. He sits down and actually listens to me. He asked me great and intelligent questions about how I was feeling. It is really a great feeling to not be dismissed or told you need to loose weight and everything will be better. I know I need to loose weight, I have been trying. But when you try and then have to go on steroids it knocks you back a step or two. You loose faith, you want to give up. I was so proud as was the doctor that I lost 3 more lbs this last month. It took me years to get as big as I am now. It will probably take me years to get it off. Yes I wish there was a magic pill that would melt it all away, but there is not.

I am thanking God today for my life, my family and my friends. For the support that so many have given me. For the people who brought us meals when I was too sick to cook. For the friends that sent text messages or emails just checking. The ones who gave Hannah a ride. So many people have touched our lives. I only pray that I can be that kind of blessings to others. I have had some pretty dark times of late. But I see a glimmer of light. I see a piece of me coming back when I am able to laugh and joke with my husband. When I am able to be the tickle monster to my 3 year old. When my teenager is able to be in her room doing things teenagers do instead of cooking dinner for her too sick mother. I thank God for the doctors and the medicine that is getting me to those places.  I know the journey is far from over. I know that I was so down and in despair that it won't happen over night. But with many hands reaching out for me, I feel like I can climb up and back into life.

Tomorrow

Oh good Lord in Heaven, tomorrow is the day I take my baby girl to the airport and put her on that jet plane.
(sing along with me now, leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again) Ok thats enough of that.
I am very excited for her. I have been fairly calm in the planning and discussing of this trip. But as the actually trip is nigh.........mommies nerves are shot. I am emotional and trying to hold it together.
Yes I know this is the trip of a lifetime. I know she will have a blast. And rationally I know that statistically speaking she will be safe and come back home in one piece. But a mother always worries err maybe I should put a parent. I asked my Dad one time when it got easier as I was worried about one of our older boys, he laughed and said well I still worry about you so I will have to get back to you on that one.
I know it is useless to worry and doesn't change a thing. It is something that I struggle turning over to God. Someone once said that being in a constant state of worry is like telling God he can't handle it or basically a lack of faith. I am learning how to turn it over, but I don't think I am alone in this battle.

I think it is ingrained in us somehow once you have kids to just worry. It start's sometimes before you are even a parent for some. Will we ever get pregnant? Why did that miscarriage happen? What did I do wrong?  Will this baby make it to term? Will there be any problems during labor?  Wills and Whats rule a persons thinking. Lets not even get into the list when they start crawling and walking. Then making friends and here comes driving and .......AUGH!!  I mean seriously how can someone not worry?

My parents always made me feel special and that I could do anything I set my mind to. I hope by giving Hannah opportunities like this it makes her feel a little of that. I hope I am hitting the mark with her, well with all our kids. Making them feel special and that they can do anything.

Ok so back to Hannah's trip, please say a prayer for her. This is her first time flying and being out of country without being with family. I have faith in who she is going with and I have faith in her. Like someone (name not used for protection) said on Sunday, the plane will always come down, it's just how fast. Yes he was punched in the arm by his wife. :-)  

I will put on a happy face at the airport tomorrow, I may cry after she is through security. But I hope she has a blast and takes lots of pictures. My how fast they grow up.

New friend this summer

After our amazing, wonderful, glorious (ok you get the idea) Memorial day trip camping. I found I really love spray on sunscreen. Gone are the days of getting your hands all goopy (yes official term) after applying it to 4 people. Just spray, rotate, spray some more then move on to the next person. Or better yet sit in your lawn chair and let them come to you. I prefer the later. My only complaint is that you go through a bottle really fast applying it to 4 people a few times a day. And you do still have to get a little on your fingers to put it on the face. Spraying directly to the face is not recommended. But overall I love this. It doesn't matter what brand, we used off brand and a popular name product both seemed to cover well.

As long as you make sure to spray everywhere as Ron so bravely models here. That is the one down side it is not as easy to see that you got it everywhere when you are outside with the sun glaring on you. The pictures is a little hard to see, but it was taking with my phone, he has a few swirlish burnt marks on his belly and his shoulders got burnt pretty good too.

I did learn something else, some company makes sunscreen in a stick. I saw one that looked like a chap-stick and one that looked like a small deodorant stick. I am going to look into these closer, then I would get no sun screen on my hands at all !!

I am still in search of a big floppy hat that will fit my big ole head that doesn't cost a fortune. Yes I know it will probably last me many of summers so a pricer one may be my way to go for quality, but man I have a hard time paying that much money for something I only where on occasion.  If my head were smaller I could go to several local stores and pick one up. But no that is not what God had in mind when he gave me this large melon, guess I needed more space for all the brain he gave me. Stop laughing that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

Hannah leaves for Costa Rica next week, this is both exciting and terrifying. I know she will have so much fun, but it is still hard for mama. We had a last minute scare that she may have to get some shots, but that turned out to be for a different country. She was very relieved at that fact.
She finally got her permit and Ron bravely let her drive afterwards. To say he was a little flustered after the fact is an understatement. Like I told him, she has never driven a car before, give her a break. So last night I took her to the church parking lot and let her get comfortable with being behind the wheel. It also helped some that she was in the Taurus not the big truck.  She did improve while we were there and like I told her she has lots of time to learn. And she will take drivers ed in the fall. I just don't want her to go into that class scared to get behind the wheel.
After looking at her summer schedule last night, I am not gonna see much of her this summer. Between being out of country and being out of state visiting my folks and her dad, she has a full schedule.

Elijah got moved up to the "big kid class" at school. He had his first field trip to the park yesterday. He absolutely loved it. We were told all about it several times last night. I think he is going to like being in the 3yr old class. He already doesn't hold onto me when I drop him off, he is running off to play with friends.
One thing we are learning about this little man is he LOVES the water! Doesn't matter if it is in the tub or the Gulf of Mexico. If he can splash, swim or just get a little wet he is all about it. He started putting his face and head under water this last pool trip so he could blow bubbles like sissy. He is growing up so fast and is amazing me daily. My favorite thing right now is for him to tell me his full name. I love how he says Haley, kind of haywee.

The new medicine seems to be helping me a bit. I am sleeping a little better and that has taken away some of the pain. I am still really stiff in the morning and have pain through the day, but it is not near as bad as it once was. I feel like I can live life again. I thank God that he lead me to a doctor that will listen and help me.
My family is thankful too cause ya know when Mama ain't happy................

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you ever catch yourself  looking deep into your own eyes? They say the eyes are the portal to the soul. What do you see when you look? Or do you just stay away from looking that deep into yourself?
This thought has been on my mind lately. As most of you know I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia this week. Myself and those around me have known for a while really that there was more going on with me then just my Lupus.  But when the doctor blows you off, you start to loose faith. When the people you love treat you like your making it up and it's all in your head. You loose any hope you had.

That is where I have been the last few months. I spoke of it before. A kind of blah. I was living my life, but I wasn't enjoying my life. Every time I looked in the mirror I began to see this change in me. I was starting to see pain, brokenness, fear. And then I started to wonder if I should be seeing clinically insane? Because really can someone truly be in pain all over like this for so long with no real explanation?
Well on Wednesday I found out that the answer to that question is YES!! I am not a freak, hypochondriac, or just making this stuff up.

I know it is hard for other people to understand. I know it would be so much easier if I was wearing a full body cast for people to see that it hurts from head to toe. But I don't have that option. I just have my words.
At the doctors office I was crying as he was telling me things, I bet you have this, or I bet you feel this. As I said yes to each of these things it was like being at a carnival where they guess your age or name and you kinda get freaked out. He was telling me stuff that I kept hid. Stuff I can't say to people. Things that would hurt those I love and love me back.

It was later that night that when I looked in the mirror that I still saw the broken me, but I caught a glimpse of something else, hope maybe?  What ever it was I wish it great luck and becoming the first thing I see when I look. I want it to win, I want to see the happy and loving person I know I am. Not the one in constant pain and bitterness. Not the one who feels as if I am on the verge of a psychotic break down. Who just wants to crawl in a hole and stay a while.

Been a day or so

A big sorry to my friends and family. It seems my blog slipped to the wayside for a bit.
Life has a way of taking over sometimes. And even though your intentions are good and grand, it doesn't mean you can accomplish everything you set out to do.

The last few weeks have been exciting, heart warming, heart melting and just over all busy.

In our previous blog post we were preparing for Elijah's party. Wow I turned into a big blogging slacker huh?
Let's try to catch up shall we?

On April 29th, we had the final Arrow Meltdown. I did not run the race because of all the health issues that were going on. But I did show up and cheer the others on. They all did so great!!  Surprisingly enough I was not last on the weight loss list. At that time. I had lost a total of 20lbs since I started watching everything and my cholesterol went down 21 points.  I have lost 1 more pound since. I am not unhappy with the results. It gave me a starting point. And when I go see the new doctor next week I am going to talk to him about adjusting or changing my every day meds to hopefully allow me to start exercising again.

Elijah's party was a great success, thank you to all that came. To those that didn't we missed you. I am so glad we had it at the church. There was no big mess to clean up and I didn't have to try to clean my house like a mad woman before. WIN WIN!!

Hannah had a birthday also during these 2 weeks. She has some more studying to do for her permit and that is all I am gonna say about that. We had some quality time together, we laughed and talked about all kinds of stuff. It was so nice. I really love the young woman she is becoming.  She is so ready for school to be done. I don't blame her. I am not too old to remember those last few weeks of school drug on forever! She is excited about her trip, she leaves 26 days from today. We are getting lists of things she needs to pack and even getting some stuff packed together. I am so happy for her to go on this trip. I have my mommy worries, but what an opportunity for her.

I have no profound words of wisdom today. Truth be told I am super d duper tired today and am having a slight concentration problem. I just didn't want everyone to think I had given up on blogging.

Love, life and storms?

Read this article. It is about some of the storms that hit the Mississippi area.
http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20110427/NEWS/110427004/Deadly-storms-pose-more-dangers-Mississippi?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|Home

Ok now that you are done with that. There is a couple things that stuck out to me and broke my heart. The first was the 3rd old that got killed in their bed when a tree fell on the room they were sleeping in. The second was about the father who saved his daughter by laying on top of her and got hit on the head with a tree and died.

Many people have said as long as it's not a tornado then you really don't have to worry. OH REALLY NOW?
I woke up with the storms last night and prayed, got done, and prayed some more. I usually really don't want my baby who is on the eve of 3 (AUGH) sleeping between me and daddy. It makes it hard for the adults to sleep. But if something (God forbid) was to happen, my hope is that our big bodies will protect his little one. Yes I worry about my big baby too (no not Ron). But she is not going to sleep with us. I do realize that if God is calling one of us home, it doesn't matter how much I pray for safety, what will be will be. But somehow praying makes me feel better.
I am wore out, exhausted today. I woke up when the storms came through and stayed awake the rest of the time. With maybe a cat nap in there, but couldn't stay asleep because without power I couldn't wear my machine. And so I had a few minutes to think, and this is where my mind went, come along will you?

Why does it take things like this to make me slow down and take inventory? I know I am blessed, but never realize just how much until you think it might be gone.

The weather is scary all over the US. Too many of us Americans  have been hit by storms, big scary storms. Many have died. Still more homes and possessions are going to be destroyed due to water and more storms to come. I don't advocate living your life in fear of what may be or come. But you do need to live your life, enjoy each day. I hold on to this verse when I am trying to make it through.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I get stuck in the rut of trying to plan my own life and not what the Lord has planed for my life. I guess that is what the storms and tragedy have stirred in my heart. To stop and listen. Enjoy, love and live!

On a side note. The prednisone seems to be working, at least to the point that I can move and not cry each time. The storms and change in pressure have still kept things flared up, but not near as bad. The headache may be a combination of all things combined. But I am extremely grateful to have the symptoms I have today then the ones I had a week ago. Thanks for sticking with me through all the complaining about not feeling good. I really try to keep it minimized. This has been the sickest for the longest I have ever been. Hugs go to you all.

20lbs and counting

I stepped on the scale and was overcome with joy. I finally hit that 20lb mark!! The program may be over but I am still trying to work it. I know you have all seen my struggles through my Facebook posts these last few weeks. So I won't rehash everything on here. What I will say on here is this is the worst I have ever felt. It started back about spring break. And although I have had a few days that were not as bad as others it has been a struggle. 
I need to find a new specialist, one that will listen to me and tell me that my drugs should be working even if they are not. I miss my doctor in IL terribly. Maybe that is one reason why I haven't been this bad in a very long time. That doctor listened when symptoms first came on and treated me quickly so I never suffered for long amounts of time. I am not out shopping for narcotics. I just want to feel like I am functioning. I am in a dark place right now because of the pain. I know in my head not to be. But that is easier said then done. I am trying not to isolate myself. I do feel blessed to have a great set of friends who pray, support and worry about me. I know I can call my Dad at anytime and get an ear to listen, if so needed kind and wise advice to go with it. I am lucky that I have Hannah who helps me so much around the house. I know all these things I do. I also know in my heart of hearts that if it wasn't for my kids I probably would have given up a few days ago. I am not talking about killing myself, but more laying in bed crying and self loathing. It hurts too bad to do anything but lay there. Even the movement of changing positions hurts.  I know not everyone can understand or comprehend that point. If you haven't lived it, one really can't just explain it to you. I know people get tired of hearing that I don't feel good. I try not to put it out there as much as I feel it. I am glad that I found a support group online of people who understand and make me feel like I am not loosing my mind. 
I try to remind myself when I am feeling down and out of this passage.....


Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding, think about 
him in all your ways, and he will guide you on the right paths.


The fact that I am not in control and I am not supposed to know why or the outcome. Ever wonder why pain and depression run hand in hand? Why is depression such a stigma still? Why is it just when I drop those 20lbs I get put on one of the biggest doses of prednisone I have ever been on?  Those are some of the things rolling around in my head as I write this. 


On a brighter note we are headed to Missouri to see my family for the Easter holiday and for my folks to have birthday celebrations with both of the kids. We are going to have dinner Saturday night with some amazing and important people in my life. Then next week my baby turns 3 OMG 3 for reals people!! Then two weeks after that my other baby turns 15, lets not have that break down yet. 
If you are around Clinton and wanna come to Elijah's birthday party just holler at me and I will give you the 411, the more the merrier. 


I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and remember that Jesus dying on the cross and rising 3 days later was not about eggs and bunnies. It was about Him dying to take away my sin, your sin. I won't go into all of the back story of my life right now. But I will say that after being hurt by a group of "Christians" who thought my sins were way worse then their sins. That sin is sin. We are all forgiven and cleansed by the Lamb who died on Calvary. 

Warning Labels

Have you ever thought to yourself that you or someone you know should come with a warning label?
For some reason this thought hit me last night. I work for a man that has a temper at times. Some days you can catch on before he explodes other times it catches you off guard. That was the obvious and easy answer for me. But then I did a little soul searching and realized that there are days that I need that warning label affixed firmly to my forehead. I am sure my family would be very grateful for the day I come home with Crabby, Moody, Upset, Sick or any such words flashing on my head for them to be warned to stay out of the way.
To not get ambushed by the short temper or ill word. I try really hard not to have those moments, I really do. But many times I catch myself when it's too late. After I have raised my voice to my 2 year old who is hanging on my leg while I am trying to handle a hot pan to "please for the love of God let go of my leg before I fall and spill this hot stuff on you and me".

The hurt in his eyes instantly breaks my heart in two. I know he is just trying to love on me after being apart all day. Why must life be so stressed sometimes? As much as I love the freedoms that me working allows us, ya know like eating. I do sometimes miss the days of low stress and snuggling with him. I feel like time is passing me by and I am spending it at work. Although I love his teacher at daycare, I feel like she is getting the best of him. By the time he comes home from school he is often cranky and moody too. Why does life have to be like this?

One of my dear friends has been dealing with some life changing decisions. And the discussion of fear has come up. Boy do I know about that. When Ron was told he wouldn't have a job any longer in IL. I prayed and prayed for God to show us a way to provide for our family. Along came the transfer. I was SCARED out of my mind to move hundreds of miles away from friends and family. I told Ron I would follow him where ever he went. The last Sunday before our move, we went to church like every other week. The message was about stepping out in faith and putting your fear aside to follow God. BAM!! I fell on my face at the alter that day. How can I be so afraid of something I had been praying so hard for. Why is it so hard to let God lead the way. Why when we pray and he answers our prayer do we still doubt?

Those two points tied together in my mind last night. That fear could be a warning label too. Fear can be taken out on others as much as a quick temper. I am praying today that the Lord help me not be afraid of where he is leading me, where ever that may be. That I will have the label of peace and love on my face when I go home to my family.

On my heart

I am not writing this to preach to anyone. I am sharing what was shown to me and what has been on my heart. Sometimes things just touch me to my core and I get this over whelming feeling, voice, urge to share it. Is it God's voice, the Holy Spirit? Who knows really. But here it is.... read this passage from Deuteronomy 8:16-18 this is from The Message.



¹⁶ Make sure you don't forget God, your God, by not keeping his commandments, his rules and regulations that I command you today. Make sure that when you eat and are satisfied, build pleasant houses and settle in, see your herds and flocks flourish and more and more money come in, watch your standard of living going up and up—make sure you don't become so full of yourself and your things that you forget God, your God, 
   the God who delivered you from Egyptian slavery; 
   the God who led you through that huge and fearsome wilderness, those desolate, arid badlands crawling with fiery snakes and scorpions; 
   the God who gave you water gushing from hard rock; 
   the God who gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never heard of, in order to give you a taste of the hard life, to test you so that you would be prepared to live well in the days ahead of you.
 ^17-18 If you start thinking to yourselves, "I did all this. And all by myself. I'm rich. It's all mine!"—well, think again. Remember that God, your God, gave you the strength to produce all this wealth so as to confirm the covenant that he promised to your ancestors—as it is today.


The last two verses that I highlighted that is what really stuck out to me. I am guilty of this. Over and over and over again. I am telling you I have a thick skull people. I can't do any of this on my own. I try, I fail, epic fail, fall flat on my face get the picture? 


We all talk about turning over our problems to God ya know "Let go and let God". Well it's not all about the troubles and problems. He makes the good possible. We need to turn over all the good and give him praise. 


Some days my biggest praise is getting me out of bed and moving, I am not being snide. There are days that those things feel like it takes the best part of me and everything else is downhill.


I worry about money and bills like everyone. But who is it that got this job for me in the first place? Sure I want to account it to my mad skills, my likable personality and general good looks. Stop laughing so hard your gonna hurt my feelings....hehe The fact of the matter is I am nothing!


I am right now in front of you giving God the praise and glory for all the things that we have. Honestly we all have so much. If you are able to read this silly rant by me you do to. 

Hello is anyone there?

Ok so I have been slacking on the blog the last few weeks. As many of you know from reading facebook or trying to call and check on me. I had strep throat last week and some kind of stomach bug. Oh fun times abound. I actually asked my husband to kill me at one point, cause I thought it would just put me out of my misery. Obviously he was more level headed then I and did not. I can tell you that I would rather give birth to children then to go through that again.

The good news about not really being able to swallow anything or keep it down was I lost another 2lbs. Which is great cause I did not go exercise. As a matter of fact I barely got out of the bed all week. Except toward the end of the week I just couldn't stand it any more. I had been in that sick, sweaty, stinky bed too long. I striped all the bedding and put it in the washer, took a shower, felt human again for a bit. It wore me to the bone, but oh so worth it.

Since I started this process of getting healthier I have lost 17lbs according to the scale at my doctor's office. He was very happy with the results. And so am I. I got down on myself the other night and confided in my hubby about how I feel like a failure in the meltdown because I haven't been able to do all the exercise and achieve the weight loss some have. My wonderful husband reminded me off all the battles I have fought. Between injury and my Lupus with extended sickness. It has been hard. But I have made a change in my eating and drinking habits. I have lost weight. I am keeping up the fight. All is not lost.  In times past I would have given up already. But I am in this to make life changes. To teach my kids a better way. I felt so good the other day when I was walking through kroger with all kinds of fruits and veggies in my basket, not junk.

We got a preliminary itinerary for Hannah's flights the other night. Like this is for real!! Two months from tomorrow she will be flying to Costa Rica. She is still trying to do odd jobs to earn extra spending cash. If anyone has anything they need done, look her up. Babysitting, washing cars, doing dishes. She is not ashamed to do anything LOL.

I feel like I have so much I want to say, but this brain fog has taken over today.  Yes it is a real thing. I have found comfort in reading the message boards over at butyoudontlooksick.com. They know what I am talking about, what my struggles are. I feel not so crazy. I know go ahead and laugh.

Til next time do something nice for someone else and feel the reward!!

Week 8

Ok I know I am a day late and a pound short (bad pun I know). But here it is, I am ok, just was busy yesterday at work and didn't get a chance to type it all out.

Well one more week has come and gone on the meltdown. We have one more week to meet then we are on our own til the end of April. I can't believe how fast time has flown by. I have not done near as well as I wanted in this competition, and you all know the reasons we won't go into that. But I can say that I have been so thankful to have been a part of this. I have learned many things. And I am not giving up the fight just yet. I have lost a few battles along the way, but the war is still mine to win!!!

I am still watching what I eat and trying to keep my portions in check. I am still working out, although it may not be as much as some. I feel good that some movement is better then none. The bike has become my friend. I can ride it for a few miles and get my heart rate up and not kill my knee's and hips. I really need to spend more time on the treadmill, this is hard on me. It just hurts. But I have to build up my endurance if I am going to do the 5k at the end of April. I can tell that my endurance is getting better we did that devil class yesterday and although it did hurt the bottom a little, I am not walking as funny today as I did last time. The biggest thing I noticed is yeah I worked up a sweat, yeah I was breathing hard. But I didn't think I was gonna die either. I did however listen to Patrick when he told me not to stand up!! And the knee didn't kill me near as much as last time.

My great hope and prayer is that I can get my Lupus back in check and start to really exercise and drop the pounds before the end. I don't think I will win, but I don't want to be last either.
I know no one faults me for having the medical conditions and the injury that has held me back, but I don't want to live with that excuse. I know I have to listen to my body and just chill sometimes. And that is part of what got me so down this time. I was trying to push too hard. I was trying to recover from an injury and still work my body more then it was used to.

But let me tell you I have a renewed spirit. I didn't gain weight on those nasty steroids. I actually lost!! So take that you stupid little pills. You did not win this battle. You will not hold me down. I will control my body not you. Ok big talk I know, and it is still a battle every minute of the day not to eat everything I see. Honestly I have a renewed strength through this wage of wills. I thought it had won, was ready to cry into a bowl of ice cream last night about how unfair it is. HA Surprise. GOD came through for me. When I feel like I need to eat I pray, Lord please help me past this temptation and craving. I have gone through a lot of water and gum at work. Guess what it is working, I am hanging in there.

We are in the planning process for Elijah's 3rd birthday. Wow 3 already. His little attitude lately tells me he is approaching 3, but I sure am not ready for him to be a boy and not a toddler. And then 2 weeks after that Hannah turns 15. We decided we are just doing something small for both of them this year. Elijah will have a play party at the church and Hannah may have a friend or two stay over. I did tell Hannah that my plan is to pick her up from school and  take her to lunch then to get her permit. I think that would be a great way to spend your birthday. Maybe I can throw a manicure or something in there too. She knows that her Costa Rica trip is part of her birthday so she is not getting any real gifts and she is cool with that. But I still want to make it a great day. I came to the realization a long time ago that i will never have day 5,475 with her every again. So on that 5,475th day of her life. I will make her feel special even if it's just through the small things.

How are you celebrating day ...... of your life?

Week off

We will not have a meltdown meeting tomorrow due to Spring Break. So I thought I would write a day early.
The exercise portion of this week has been nil to say the least. I have found it rewarding to get dressed, forget about working out. It is not often that my body gets the best of me like that. Sure I have aches and pains. But it hurt to move my fingers this weekend. I couldn't wear my wedding ring because I couldn't fit it over my swollen knuckle.I did get a steroid shot at the doctor on Monday and it is starting to help. 

I am so blessed and very thankful to have a great support system. Hannah and Ron took care of me and Elijah while I was down and out.

Ron and I have been married 10 1/2 years now and this is the first big flare that he has seen. Yes I have been "sick" in the past, and maybe had to slow down. He knows I need to stay out of sun or wear sunscreen like a second skin. He knew I could and would catch most things that were going around. And well with kids in school lets face it there is always something going around. I told him when we first started dating that I had Lupus and he did some research on his own. I am so glad that he thought he could deal with it. Because let me tell you I love this man. Sure we are not perfect, but we work through it. I think we complement each other well. I don't think he could have pictured all those years ago taking care of me like he has had to do this weekend. He married someone 15 years younger then him, so I could take care of him. :-)

I was ashamed at first to ask for help cutting my food, then as one friend put it, "at least he is willing to help you should be grateful" and I am. I changed my outlook from woe is me to I am blessed.
I know that this disease that controls my body will only get worse over time. So I am making a promise to myself to start enjoying today. If I am able to play with my kids do it because tomorrow I might not be so lucky. If I can hug my husband without sheer pain, then hug him again, one day I might not be able to lift my arms that much.

In the story of life no matter who the author is, you or me, we all need to decide just how the story will go.
What does your story line say about you? Would you be considered a "Christian" author? Would it be sci-fi? Even though it is not fair to judge a book by it's cover we all do it don't we? What is your book of life saying to others? I don't want to be the one who everyone doesn't want to read because it's all about sickness and pain. Today i want to show you the chapter of thankfulness and blessings. Last night my whole family was blessed by a special friend who brought us dinner. I tried to ask her not to, but her words to me were "please allow me to share this blessing" Ummmmmmm how do you tell someone no after that? And it was a huge blessing. Hannah got a night off too. She has worked very hard to help me keep up the house, do dinner and take care of Elijah.

If you don't think God has his own perfect timing. Let me show you Hannah and Elijah. I know in my heart that I could not care for Elijah by myself. My body would not allow it. And He in his perfect plan gave us Elijah 12 years after Hannah so she could be a helper and second mother. I try very hard to not put too much on her and allow her to be a kid too. I get teary eyed when I think of her and her precious soul. She has the heart of a servant. I don't mean a maid or butler. No I mean that she wants to serve God and in doing so she tries to make the life of those around her better and easier. Her heart hurts when she sees someone in need or pain. She was the child many Christmas' ago that asked I not get her so many toys, but let her pick out some for the Angel Tree so another kid could have something.

I challenge you, if you think your story will not have a happy ending. If you think your book would read like  a suspense thriller will all the bad things that have happened. Make the choice today to change the next chapter.  Without those past experiences maybe you couldn't reach someone today. There is someone out there needs to know that it is possible to go through .... and live, to make it out on the other side. Maybe not unscathed but better and stronger for it. Thank you all for allowing me to be a character in your book of life!

YES it's mine

Ok forgive me for taking a moment to just rant.
I got "called out" today for parking in a handicap spot. Yes I have a handicap plate on my truck. No I don't always use it. But there are some days like today where every fiber of my being hurts. I feel like I should grab the cane I keep in my truck and use it because the hips and knees are inflamed and feel unstable. I just want to crawl back in bed and cry kinda day. Well I try my best to put on a good face and not complain.
Boss had me go get his lunch for him...uhhh ok great sure would love to. So I park in the handicap spot. And this woman feels the need to chew me a new one about taking up a spot that is meant to be used by "truly handicap people" and "Don't I know it is illegal to park in the handicap spot when it's not mine?".
Usually I am polite and explain that it is mine and that not everyone has a disability you can see, and not every person has to be above the age of 60 to have one. But today I cried. I couldn't help it. She then said to me "oh the crying game don't work on me". Then I was mad. I said look lady, this is MY vehicle. The handicap tag IS MINE! I have lupus and experience pain that you can't even begin to imagine. I have had major surgeries on my hip with a nice big scar if you need to see something physical to put your mind at ease. I will drop my pants for you. Then I said please go ahead and call the cops, let them run my plate and compare the name on my tag to me.  She huffed and walked away. REALLY??? How can you be so verbally abusive to a person and then just walk away?
Maybe I was just over sensitive today because I wasn't feeling well. Or maybe she was just super rude. Either way I am glad it is Friday and I get to spend the weekend vegging out and maybe a little time in the hot tub at the health plex to ease the joint pain.
I go see my rheumatologist (yes that is a word quit telling me it's not spell check) on Monday and I am going to talk about changing meds or doing something different.
On a plus this week the FDA approved a new drug to be used to treat Lupus. It is an IV drug and really expensive right now. It may not help everyone with Lupus but it is the first drug in 50 years approved just to treat Lupus. Right now most drugs we use are borrowed from another disorder and used off label, meaning it was not intended to be used to treat Lupus. No cure yet, but I see this as a step in the right direction.
Have a great weekend !!!  And thanks for tolerating my rant.

Week 6

Well 1 more week has come and gone. We have less then 2 months before this program is over. I didn't gain and didn't drop any pounds this week. I stayed the same. Which is bittersweet. I am glad I didn't gain anything, but still was hoping to loose. But now that the knee is getting better, I plan on hitting the gym a lot more. Get back in the groove of working out everyday.

The knee is getting better. Still not 100%, but I don't have the constant pain like I did before. Well let me rephrase that. I have an all the time ache/soreness in all my joints. But not the sharp make me wanna cry pain. Every now and again I will still get that sharp pain like say after 10 minutes on the treadmill the other night. But I stopped and it went away after a while with some pain pills. Although I was very proud of the 5 miles I did on the bike. It may not be jogging or running but it is something and it gets my heart rate up and no one can take that away from me. So there !! LOL

I went back to the doctor yesterday and he offered the injections again, which I turned down for now. He told me I could continue PT if I wanted. I am still trying to decide. It would probably help, but it is getting better and I can do most of what they do on my own, and we already have enough medical bills stacking up with Ron's surgery a few months ago. I also realized I was using PT as a big fat excuse. Yes my knee is really sore when we get done, but I could have been going and working my upper body. I could work the other leg. Oh how sneaky those excuses can be when we let it. I also don't like doing dinner at 8pm. If I am doing PT til 6ish then at the plex til 7-7:30 then dinner doesn't get done til at least 8 and then it's time to get Elijah ready for bed and somewhere in there let's do laundry and anything else that only mom's can do it seems.

Next Thursday we are going to head down to Dauphin Island, AL to camp through Sunday. I am so looking forward to some family down time. It is so less stressful when we camp. We are taking our bikes to ride around. So I plan on getting some exercise that way. Plus just good ole fashioned playing with my kids.
Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement everyone has given. I am truly blessed by the Lord!

Week 5

Ok so week 5 has come and gone. I did not participate in this weeks boot camp. I went home from work sick on Wednesday with some kind of bug. I was running a fever and throwing up. When I called Jan to find out who I should call in the morning if it was still going on, she informed me even if it was not, to not come anywhere near them on Thursday. I was still sick that morning, but actually missed weekly meeting.
Not that I like to be up and at the gym at 5am by any stretch of the imagination. But I do like seeing everyone and how they are doing. It is a boost to the moral. And aside from that devil err spinning class I enjoy the group work out. This week they did Zumba............OF COURSE!! The one class I was looking forward to taking. Now I know that they offer other Zumba classes at the plex. But (I mean no disrespect to anyone) with our group I know there is not a class full of skinny mini's and I thought I wouldn't feel so out of place learning it with everyone else.
Another step out of my comfort zone. I will make one of those classes before my membership expires.
Although I am hoping by the time this program is done, I can continue the membership. I really enjoy being able to go workout and the variety of classes the plex offers. I would love to do a family membership and take Hannah with me. Yes I will work on that.

I did step on the scale the other day and although not "official" I have lost back the weight I gained the week before.And probably more since I couldn't hold food down for almost 36 hours. I am still doing PT. The knee is getting better. It does not hurt all the time like it did before. I don't think I am ready to run or walk miles yet. But one step at a time I am building to that.
I am going to have to do a little bit of catch up when I can get back to walking/jogging. I have to at least be able to walk the 5k at the end of April which feels like it is next week.
I don't think I will be winning this competition by any means. But I will be able to finish that walk/run if it is the death of me.

So that is my week. Not all that exciting. I have had those feelings of self doubt and failure this week. I really think the devil is whispering in my ear that I should just quit. the knee injury the being sick, gaining weight last week. It has been an emotional struggle not to just give up like I have in the past when things start to go bad.
I keep reminding myself that I am worth it. I am worth the effort to keep on pushing. That this is just a temporary set back. That even if I haven't been able to exercise as much as I like that I am still moving in PT and that I am eating better and smaller portions. That I have broke the addiction of soda daily.
I read that book "Made to Crave" and now have one of the verses on my phone and on my computer at work to reminded me that even if I can't do everything physically I would like right now, I can still control what goes in my mouth. All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial. I Corinthians 6:12

Hope everyone had a blessed week and that this next week will be even better.
Tomorrow Hannah and I are going to try to go to a CD premier for one of the guys from the meltdown. He is releasing his new Christian CD. I am all about supporting local Christians as they spread the word for God. We should all support ministry we believe in. But that is a whole different post.
If you want to check him out go here http://www.reverbnation.com/meettwiceborn and if your not doing anything tomorrow Saturday the 5th come with Hannah and I. It starts at 3pm and is at Wayside Church of Deliverance in the gym. The address is 1504 Clinton-Raymond Rd.

Week 4

Well my friends another week has passed.  By this point in our journey all of us have seen the good, bad and the ugly. This week was my bad. I knew going into bootcamp this week that I would not have results like I have had the last few weeks. Since I have been going to therapy 3 times a week after work. I have not been able to go to Water aerobics. And well my knee hurts so much when I leave PT that I just want to go home and ice it, not go sit on the bike for another hour. I am going to have to figure out a way to make this work for me. Maybe I need to do the water class in the morning before work. Even if it is not true aerobics, it is the arthritis class, it would still get me moving. I do ride the bike at PT, just not the 45 minutes like I used to at the plex.

I have found that I really enjoy exercising. (ok get back in your chair from laughing so hard) it is my only time of the day where someone doesn't need something from me. No phones to answer, no kids trying to get my attention, no dishes, cooking....well you get the point. I can put on my headphones and bike away or walk on the treadmill and watch a whole show. Speaking of who ever thought to put tv's in machines was pure genius!
It makes the time go by so fast when you are distracted and you don't have to watch one big tv that someone either has on CNN or the Food network. Which by the way I think should be against the law to show in gyms. I know some say it gives you something to work towards, ok maybe so. But if I watch Paula Dean with  her bacon and butter during the work out I think I gain 2 lbs.

Speaking of gaining. I gained back 1.6lbs this week. I resisted the urge to cry. I am not the only one who has gained weight in this process I know. And I have a few things not on my side, the knee lack of exercise thing, and mother nature. Don't you love water retention ladies? NOT  
However my clothes are all fitting better under and outer. That is a big plus. I feel like I have more energy. And just overall I feel better.

Last Friday I went with the church youth to Silver Ring Thing (www.silverringthing.com), even though I didn't like the fact that they pressed the rings so much. The message behind it was great. It spoke of purity til marriage, second chances and Most of all accepting Christ as your Saviour. We had to park a few blocks away and walk up a hill to get to where it was being held. I did better then I thought I would. I was not huffing and puffing like I am many times walking around Kroger. I did not do all the stairs in side because the knee was tender, but felt great that I could do that walk and not feel like I was passing out.

This week's try a new workout was Tai Chi I got this from the Mayo Clinic's website  If you're looking for another way to reduce stress, consider tai chi (TIE-chee). Tai chi is sometimes described as "meditation in motion" because it promotes serenity through gentle movements — connecting the mind and body.
And that about describes it. At first I thought well this isn't going to be much of a workout. We all see this style of movement in movies and it looks so simple just slow movements of your arms and legs. Yes it is that. But that is also part of the challenge. By the end of the half hour I was sweating and my arms and legs were burning. That whole control your movements in slow easy motions really makes your muscles work. I know we got a basic class today, but I think it is something I may look into. It is not jarring in anyway and even though it works you, it relaxes you too. I think that is one of the biggest perks that Patrick is giving us. Showing us all these different styles of exercise, because just like shoes we are not all going to wear the same size or style. If you liked the spinning class you have fallen off your rocker and lost your God given mind, but hey to each his own.  :-) 


My light bulb moment in "class" today was when Vicki was talking about fats, all the different kinds. Ones that are good and ones that are bad. I have known this fact for a while sure but until it clicks in your head what good is the knowledge?  My ahha is ... If a food has extra ingredients added to make it stay on the shelf longer, said extra ingredients will make it stay in your body longer. Not revolutionary to most I am sure, but it made sense to me today. There are a lot of "diet" foods that have extra stuff in them. I am trying to watch what I eat and I have noticed a difference in my portion size and how much it takes to make me full. I am enjoying the food more and slowing down. I still have some bad habits to break. But my soda a day or more habit is gone. I don't crave it any more. I am not drawn to chocolate like a moth to flame. Sure every now and again I get a craving, but I can eat one kiss versus the whole bag. I have learned that just the taste of something is satisfying sometimes. And if you cut the kiss in half you feel like you are getting two treats.

I am not quitting this program for this weeks setback. Too many times in my life have I given up on weight loss because something has come up and got me discouraged. This week my friends is the week I break that cycle. I will pull up my knee brace and get back on the bike. ok that was cheesy.But you laughed!!
Thanks to all who have had my back and given me encouragement. I had someone the other day I didn't know at daycare ask if that was me that was part of the meltdown cause they saw it on the news. She patted my back and told me good job and keep up the good work. How neat is that?

Week 3

I will start this post with my last facebook status update, "Spinning class is of the devil, I am sure of it!" As you can guess todays bootcamp was spinning class. Now I have been riding a stationary bike through this time, but not one who's seat was lost well in my seat :-0.  I was worried about the angle of the seat versus the pedals and how it would feel on the knee. I did ok with the normal pedaling, and even with the incline and faster. What killed my knee was the standing and peddling. Now I know that Patrick told me not to do the stand up part, but for some God forsaken reason I didn't hear him and tried to do what every one else was doing until it was just too much pain. So while they were going up and I just pedaled my little ok big heart out. By the end I was in tears. And was told I could quit early, but we were so close to the end. I am not sure how much pain to push through and when to stop because you feel the pain and don't want to hurt yourself further? 

Our Nutritionist Mother passed away yesterday so we didn't have a meeting with her. But we did find out that we will be leading the 5k walk/run on April 29th in downtown Clinton. I knew that was when we were going to be doing the final weigh in, but didn't realize we would be out front. Hannah said she wants to do this with me. So I am going to sign her up when they start taking names. Maybe I can get Ron to sign up and we can push Elijah in his stroller (hint hint). Make it a whole family event. 

I am not sure what the weigh in is going to say today because of all the points. I only looked at whole numbers before. And from where I was when I started the meltdown to this morning if I am only looking at the whole numbers I have lost 10lbs. I did loose weight today, but I don't think it will be as much as I thought when they figure it up. As long as I am still loosing and not gaining I am happy, even in small amounts. 

I haven't been working out as much or as hard as I should because I wasn't sure about the knee situation.

After seeing the doctor yesterday, the MRI came back that nothing is torn.

I have a stretched ligament, and a lack of cushioning fluid, along with arthritis in the knee. He told me my knee looks like someone of much older age. He gave me a bigger more supportive brace that I am supposed to wear all the time except showering and sleeping. I have to do physical therapy 3 times a week for 4 weeks to try to strengthen the knee and I guess get the ligament back in shape.   Then I will go back to him in 3 weeks to see how it is doing. He said the next step would be injections of steroids into the knee, but don't really want to do that. I had them in my hip and they hurt and didn't do much good there. He said that the only thing that would really fix the problem is knee replacement, which is not an option right now because I am too young and it would not hold out as long as I need it to. But that is really not news. I was told a few years ago that I would probably have to have hip replacement at some point in my life. This all goes back to the Lupus and the degeneration of the joints because of arthritis. It is hard to be in your 30's and have your doctor tell you that your knee looks like someone in their 60's. 

I know that loosing weight and getting more active will help this some and that is why I set out on this mission in the first place. Because it came to the point that I was tired of everything hurting all the time. I know I will still have some pain, but by golly lets not ask for more then is necessary!!!!

I am so proud of the 16 of us. You can really tell in 3 weeks that we have all grown or shrunk however you want to look at. We may not want to be up doing exercise at 5am, but we are there. We have a mission, right now we still are cheering each other on. There are some people you can really see physical changes in already. It is nice to talk to these fellow meltdowners and hear I am not the only one struggling with this or that. Or to get tips on how someone is making this dish or enjoys this workout. It is our own little dysfunctional family.  It doesn't see black or white, male or female. It see's HUMAN's!  Real people who have real struggles making it day by day, step by step. Making our life's healthier and hopefully our kids, whether birth kids or ones we have at school. We are going to make changes in our lifes that I pray will help others.  I don't regret for one second turning in my application. I was scared at first, but it is teaching me how to be a healthier and hopefully less mass me.

Weekends

Weekends seem to be the hardest for me to keep on the right path. I guess it is because I am at home with the family most of the time. And around an endless supply of food. Part of my "old" (trying to break) habits is to eat when I am bored. I do great during the week at work. I only bring in my lunch what I should have to eat and that is all I have. One advantage to working with all men is they never bring anything into the office. Last weekend when I got the urge to start snaking while everyone else was still sleeping I went to the gym. I am trying hard to break the old habits.
But for those times that I loose my willpower. I have started to keep better snacks in the house. More fruit and ready to eat veggies along with some 100 calorie snacks. That helps because it is portioned out for me and I don't eat the whole bag of cookies.

I saw a lady at the bank today while dropping of the deposit for work who was extremely obese. I did not judge her, but instead thanked God that he opened my eyes to my own issues and problems with food. I am so grateful to serve a God who cares enough about little old me to help me work on my emotional and eating issues!!

Week 2

Well we all survived the second week. As many of you know I have had issues with my left knee.
It all started back in April of 2010 when I was carrying a crockpot and the rest of my body turned but that knee did not. It swelled and gave out on me. And then I fell a few weeks later on the wet floor. At that time I went to the ER because it swelled yet again and hurt to put weight on it. I was on crutches for almost 4 weeks. Still having pain after that time I went to my family dr. and saw his PA. She told me it would just take time to heal and upon pressing her, she sent me for an MRI. It came back "normal" she said, told me with my Lupus it may take a little longer for the joint to heal.

So I continue on with life, over the summer I notice when I walked any distance or tried to do stairs, it would swell again and hurt like all get out. Then the grinding and popping started. But for the most part I could deal with the pain everyday and take an occasional pain pill at night to help me sleep through the pain.
Well after getting into the meltdown and exercising nearly every day. WOW doggy did it really flare it's ugly head at me.  I tried to ice it after working it, I already take anti-inflammatory drugs daily to help with the other joint pain. Nothing was working and now it was hurting all the time not just when I was working it. It started to get stiff and hard to move. So I called the same PA and told her what was going on. She told me to ice it and put bio freeze on it. That it was probably just my Lupus reacting to all the extra exercise.

I was not happy with that answer. The last time I just went with the pain I ended up with major hip surgery in 2007. So I called the trainer that has been working with us at the healthplex and asked for a sports medicine doctor's name. He referred me to Mississippi Sport's Medicine and Orthopedics. I called and they got me in the next morning.
So I go see Dr. Barrett. I tell him all the history of the injury and he starts the exam, snap crackle, pop the knee goes as he bends it and pushes on it, literally making me cry.  I love how they say "oh does that hurt?" YEAH the tears should have been your first clue!!  But then he sits down in the chair and says ok there is something wrong with that knee, I am not sure what exactly, but it is not normal. They took x-rays yesterday and he said it showed a good amount of arthritis in that joint (really can any amount of arthritis be good?) but he doesn't think that is the only thing going on. So we are going to do a repeat MRI there at his facility and hopefully that will tell us something. I do the MRI on Monday, then go back on Wednesday for the results.

He did write on my discharge paper possible Tear of Medial Cartilage or Meniscus of Knee, I googled those terms and by golly that is my symptoms. Treatment can range from therapy to surgery. I told him Thank you for making me feel like I wasn't loosing my mind. He then said "Do your other joints hurt from the Lupus?" "yes they do" "Do they feel like your knee feels?" "well no it is a different pain" "Then it probably isn't just Lupus pain is it?" I wanted to hug the man. Too many times I feel like doctors write everything off to my Lupus. Yes it has a ton of adverse side effects on my body, but not everything can be explained away under that general umbrella.

Whew all of that to tell you about bootcamp today.......
Because he didn't want me to do anything straining or impact until we find out what is going on. Our trainer put me on a stationary bike for the 20 minutes of workout time. I rode it harder then I normally would, because I feel like these mornings are about pushing us. I felt guilty for not doing what the others were doing. They were walk/running the track then doing the stairs up and down, with stops at a ball for crunch's. By the end of the 20 minutes the sharp intense pain on the inside of my knee was back and it hurt to walk. But I was not about to complain. I know it could have been a lot worse if he wouldn't have been understanding and made me try to do the stairs etc.

Then we met with the dietitian again. I am learning new things from her each week. I love the fact that she is trying to teach us a lifestyle change not a diet. We talked about insulin and carbs today and why you need some carbs to keep your body going.

Then we weighed in....
I lost 3 more lbs. So I am at 8 total since I started 2 weeks ago, even if only these 3lbs will count toward the contest I still don't regret those first 5, it is all leading to me being a better me. One who can run around with my kids and enjoy life. That is why I signed up for this in the first place, not for prizes, but for the knowledge and encouragement to get me started. I can already tell I have more energy. I don't want to hit the snooze 50 times in the morning only twice. LOL I just feel my attitude is changing as I adjust to this and have a feeling of accomplishment.

I am so glad that I am writing about this and will be able to look back at the end of April when the meltdown is done and see how far I have come.

First Bootcamp Session

We had our first bootcamp session. It was not near as bad as I had made it to be in my mind. Granted this was just our first one and I am sure he was being easy on us. But it makes me want to come back next week.

We did a warm up walk to start for about 5 minutes. Then we did "stations", kinda took me back to basketball training ( I see lot's of flash backs in my future.) (Thank you Mr. Cregor) He paired us up or we kinda fell in groups of 2 really at each station. We had 3 stations with resistance bands, doing various motions with the arms. One was a bike, steps, hand weights (5lb, 8lb& 10lb), A rowing machine and then shadow boxing. It was supposed to be two rowing machines but one broke. Any way, the first time around we did them for 45 seconds each. Some stations it went by quickly others it felt like forever. Then we went around again for 30 seconds. I actually did better then I thought I would.

I did have to hit my inhaler once as we were doing the walk, but I still have a lot of congestion from being sick. I wanted to get it in my system before a full blown asthma attack and it did what it was supposed to. Although I got winded later doing the stations, not the asthma can't get your breath thing.

The one area of my body where I felt the most burn today was in my arms, my bi & triceps to be exact. I guess I really don't use those muscles that much in everyday life. Sure I pick up Elijah and carry him around, but not really using those muscles.

Then we did 2 laps around the court to cool down.

After that we met with Vicki Mascagni who is our dietitian. If you are interested in her blog it's here. http://fittoeat.wordpress.com/ she has some healthy recipes on there. If you look on the right side blog roll you will find some calculators for BMI and recommended calorie intake. Something you may want to look at. I really like her and the fact that she is teaching us how to apply things in real life. She in fact is a realist. She understands that if we deprive ourselves of everything we have known, we are likely to fall off the wagon. *food is my drug remember* Granted I have to retrain my mind that I do not have to finish everything on my plate, tip 1 today from her, leave food on your plate. That if you are going to have something not so healthy eat half, and eat healthy the rest of the day. Meaning when I get that hankering for something deepfried (oh stop my mouth from watering) that I can have something small and in moderation. Something else she said today is sometimes you have to swing the pendulum all the way back to the left before you can get to the middle. Which is what I think I have to do. I have been living this way for so long that I have to break myself before I can get into a lifestyle that focuses on moderation.

The actual weigh in was not til this morning. But keeping a food journal, which was one of the assignments from last week. Made me really examine what I am eating and in truth stopped so much of the snacking. When you write it all down it becomes some how more real and accountable to yourself.

As a matter of fact from when I weighed in last friday night til the official weigh in this morning I am down 5lbs. I know some of that can be water weight, etc. But I feel it's something and without much working out due to being sick. Lisa told me I should have waited to loose weight because that 5lbs doesn't count toward the contest. I replied that I have a spare 5lbs to loose and still have enough left to be in the competition.

One of the other gals in the contest has started a blog about her experience. If you want to read it here is the link http://www.celestecade.blogspot.com/ I thought some of you might want to read it from another person's experience.

I got to thinking about it as we were sweating this morning, I didn't know about the large cash prize at the end until after I was already chosen to participate. That is not why I did it. But it is an incentive to work hard and beat the other 15 people. If I do by God's grace when a cash prize, I think as a reward Ron and I will have to use some of that money for a weekend get away with just the two of us, cause if it comes to that, I know I will want to celebrate. I don't know if I even stand a chance, it's still so early in the program to know what anyone is going to loose. But either way, win or not, I know I will feel better in the end.