Finding Me......

I know it's been a minute since I posted but I have been busy. Of all the moves I have made this one has helped me personally than any. Has there been the trials? Of course and there will be more.

One of the biggest advantages of living here in Dexter is being close to family. I knew I missed them living in Mississippi but didn't realize how much until I came back. It has been beneficial for Elijah too. Not only does he just adore my folks but he is getting to know some of his cousins better.  We have a couple of great neighbors too.  

When Ron and I decided that we would make a go of him transporting I knew I needed a support system. That was proved on Sunday, there has been lots of others but Sunday... I heard Elijah's cry and my heart dropped. With my medical background I knew he needed to be checked out. But I had taken a muscle relaxer and didn't feel comfortable driving. Drugs and adrenalin don't mix for me. I called my Dad and he came and drove us. Him being there also helped me cope with the anxiety and panic that  can take over.

That leads into the next topic. I am doing talk therapy along with seeing a Dr.

I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and Anxiety disorder with panic attacks. 

I am so thankful for Bootheel Councling Service for helping me through a grant. I am still not able to get Medicaid until we sell our land and won't be eligible for Medicare until November. It's a scary thing to be off my lupus meds and what my body may decide to do. But with the help of the clinic I am dealing. 

I didn't realize how very far down I had gone until I started to climb out. My self esteem was in the toilet I had really been hating myself. I am working on it. I'm learning tools to try to help with the anxiety and panic so I can do things and be a part of my family again. I'm trying and for now that's good enough.

As you all know we decided to homeschool Elijah this past school year. I bought a curriculum that I was familiar with and well it probably wasn't the right fit for him or me. We are still working on school but that's ok I was so worried about it but I finally realized that was why we did this for freedom. We are getting back into a rhythm and I do believe we will keep homeschooling. If our 2nd grade runs into the start of the new school year calender then so be it.  However I am going to make big changes come next year. Not sure exactly what yet but I am researching.

That's the scoop for now.

Another Big Move

As most of you know by now we have moved to Missouri. Several different factors lead to this. One being if Ron was going to continue to drive for a living I needed to be closer to family for support with Elijah in case my health acts up.

As many of you know moving is not fun and it's challenging at its best when you go across town. Several states away lends itself to a whole new ball game.
My dad once again came down to help. And our friends Paul and Cyndi helped more than any friends should. But we got it all packed. By the first day of loading I was exhausted and my body put the brakes on things with 2 seizures in one day. This doesn't happen often and rarely more than one in a day. So I was told several times to take it easy and the thought of me driving 6 1/2 hours at high rates of speed was called into question. Again our friends stepped up and one drove one of the uhaul trucks while the other drove me in their vehicle so they could turn around and go back home. About 3 hours in the second of dad's tires blew on his trailer. Finding a place on a Saturday night in the middle of no where was not happening. But God once again took care of us. It blew right before a rest area so we could safely pull over to inspect it. Ron was able to rig it enough to get to Southhaven to get food and rooms for the night. The next morning we didn't know what would be open on a Sunday but less than a block from the hotel was the only tire shop open on Sundays. They even had the oddball size he needed. We got back on the road and had a safe trip the rest of the way. Our friends even took Ron back down to pick up our truck that was going to be ready that Monday. I sure miss them all ready.

Before we moved up here dad was getting a storage unit for us since we didn't have a house yet. He told the lady he better get two since he hadn't found a house for us. There was another guy standing in there who she turned and said you have any available right now? He did actually. I went and looked at it but it was just not right. He said well I have another but I haven't even had a chance to walk through it yet. We came right over and it was just what we needed. And it wasn't in too bad of shape. We do have a small list of things that he is going to take care of, but he even offered to build a ramp on the front so I can get my wheelchair in and out easy for Elijah and I to go to the park on the next street.
Tell me God doesn't take care of our needs!
And not having been in town but a couple days and Ron already has a job interview after being off work since July!!

I am excited to start this new chapter in our life!

New Year

We spent NYE with our good friends. I feel so blessed that my best friend just happens to have a hubby and kids that get along with mine so we can do these get togethers. Because sometimes it feels really lonely being so far from family. Yes my three some under my roof is family. But when you grow up with everyone and their brother being around for holidays ok for any day, 3 is quiet, 3 is not cooking all THAT food. It also doesn't tell stories and bring the laughter that more does. And well right now I need more laughing.

Not much has changed yet with jobs or our truck or money problems but that night we were fun! We laughed, joked, ran around (Elijah only) and forgot if only for a short time those problems.

Not only does my bff fulfill my family need she is also my iron. We together have started a devotional/ read through the Bible in a year. It has been since high school since I have read the whole thing. I am quick to pray, but not so quick to pick up the owners manual for the answers. I have put the app on my kindle even but just pulled it up to help Elijah with school. Accountability is good!

To end I am going to add some pictures of our fun on NYE. My brilliant friend set up balloons for every hour for the kids to pop, inside was a place that was celebrating the new year at that time. The kids then marked it on the world map. Some places were easier to find than others. On the back of the paper had an activity. She had such a fun night planned for them. A couple crafts, homemade caramel popcorn, games. Elijah had a blast as did we.

Hope you did too!

Lost but now I'm found

It has been way too long since I wrote a blog post. I kinda gave up on it when I stopped working, but within the past two days I have been really been thinking about it and then a friend kicked me out of the nest and here we are.

So much has changed in the last few months- year. I know some of you know what has been going on but I am going to hit on the high points or low points as it may be.

Here is my family's Christmas letter so to say.

Hannah moved to Missouri to live with my folks and go to school up there. She did good her first semester and is excited to start taking classes that are toward a career path and not just college requirements. I miss that girl so much. Even though she lived on campus last year I was still able to see her and have her come visit on some of the weekends. I am so proud of her for helping my folks out though. My dad loves that she is a good cook too, his doctor may not though. ;-)

Elijah is homeschooling this year. It has been good for both of us. Although since Thanksgiving we have been really touch and go. But I am not worried about it. As long as we get the work done in the long run that's all I care about. He has a couple kids here in the neighborhood and our homeschool group that he still gets to play with, but he is not getting bullied any more so he is so much happier for play time.
He had some confusing feelings a few months back and was showing signs of depression. Thanks to the help of others we were able to get him into see a therapist. And he is doing great. He is doing so much better at talking things out instead of being quick to anger. A parent doesn't know pain until you can't help your child. Mentally or physically we all want to make their pain go away.

Ron is still out of work. Although he has applied for hundreds of jobs. He was starting to make a go of our own business, hauling campers and things until the transmission went out on our truck. Sadly we only had it a few months but since we bought it used there was no warranty.

Guess that leaves me. I have had to swallow my pride several times in the last few months and ask  for help. Most of it was for Elijah or the benefit of him. For him I will gladly fall on my sword.
I posted on Facebook that I am starting to realize that when you feel like your world is crumbling, maybe it's just God taking the pieces you put in the wrong spot and building you stronger.
I haven't been able to see one of my doctor's due to an insurance change and the one Dr in our area that will take that insurance and new patients can't see me until February. I am struggling with out some of the meds. I fight the depression, the dark thoughts, the few hours of sleep or wanting to sleep all the time. Headaches that just won't go away and irritability mixed with messed up emotions. Not sure if I want to scream or cry, or cry because I screamed.
Yes I am praying and trying to lean more on God than me. I had someone tell me you can't be depressed if you are really living right with God. Well I disagree! I know what I have going on with me is chemical imbalances and I thank God for his creations that discovered the medication to help. I don't understand why we still have such a stigma around mental illnesses. I am not ashamed to be who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn't make mistakes!! I am not broken, although my body and spirit sometimes feel that way.

Ok time to wrap this one up and hopefully I will be writing more frequently.

A Good American by Alex George

If you haven't guessed it's another book review. I have got some great reads lately. 
This is defiantly one of them. A Good American by Alex George is a family story.
It starts like most family stories start with two people falling in love. But their love is forbidden by Jette's mother. So after Jette finds herself pregnant and her mother furious she talks Frederick to move from Germany to America.  

The story is told in the voice of James their grandson. He goes through the struggles of their journey to America and where they go once they get here.  The tale of life as an immigrant, which lets face it somewhere down our family tree is our tale.  There are many struggles and several learning curves. New language, new custom's, trying to find work. 

He tells the families story all way through him as an adult. There are several twist and turns. I laughed and I cried. It made me want to learn more about my family that first made the journey to this land of freedom. How brave and scared they must have been. 
After moving just to a different state I know how much worry I had. I can't begin to imagine what they went to. It's not like today where you could get online and do research. And travel was long and hard by boat. 

I was given this book and compensation for my review, but as always the opinion is my own.
Check out more about this book here....
http://www.blogher.com/good-american?from=bhspinner

Touch & Go by Lisa Gardner

I was so excited when I got this book. I read more crime and mystery novels then anything, so I thought this one was going to be right up my alley. Boy was I not disappointed. I read this book in two days. It is not War & Peace, but not a small book either. It was just that good.

The story is about a family who is abducted from their home. Their home has top of the security and there was nothing of value taken except the people. This family of 3 has their own set of problems before the abduction. Affairs, drug use and lack of communication to name a few.

The book guides you through all they have to go through to stay alive and what the investigators are trying to figure out to save them. There are a few twist and turns which literally made my mouth drop open. But I won't spoil those for you.

I have never read Lisa Gardner before but I am adding her to my list now. If your interested to learn more check out this page, https://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-touch-go

I was given this book and compensation for my review, but as always the opinions are my own.

Ignorance is bliss....I guess

I got a private message on Face book the other day and have been stewing over it ever since. They are not a close friend just one of those I knew you kinda once people. (no names)
But the question that was sent to me was this... "I read your blog posts today. How can you say your depressed and ready to commit suicide one post and the brag about you taking in a child that's not yours in another?"

Well first off I don't think I have ever bragged about Ron and I taking in a child. We have taken in several through the years. I may brag about the child itself and their accomplishments, just like I do my other children. When a child enters your heart it doesn't matter if its by birth, marriage or unforeseen circumstance you just love them.  Or at least that is what Ron and I do.

We learned this from our parents. Both of our parents took extra kids into their homes. We never planned it out. When we were talking of marriage and child rearing. It never came up as an endeavor to take on.
The children we have taken in have not been in the foster system per say, but rather friends of our children or ones we heard about that needed a place to stay or a change of scenery.

Now for the second part of my rant. Depression is NOT something you choose to have or not have. It is not something I can say ok I am over this and be happy again. It is a chemical balance issue. Ask any doctor and they will tell you the truth. I am no longer ashamed to say I take meds to stabilize my chemicals. If for no other fact then it makes my life better. With out the anti-depressants I am on a roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. It makes it hard on me and my family. Yes I still have moments even on the meds. But they are more controlled and happen less often.

The other bee in my bonnet is I did not just make this up. This is not in my head. Not something I am doing to get attention or drugs. I don't like taking 19+ pills every day. I do it to stay alive and semi functional. I did not choose to have depression just like I didn't have a say in if I got Lupus. It is what it is. You either let it control you, or you do the best you can to control it. When my little boy wants to know what each and every med is as I fill my pill box (other wise I forget thanks to the disease and meds), I tell him this one keeps mommy happy, this one keeps me living etc.

Maybe I got too upset by the question. It just hurts that in 2013 people are still so uneducated.

Here I go again by Jen Lancaster and update

So I haven't blogged in a while. I kind of lost my drive for blogging for a while. As you all know I went through a very dark moment for a bit. I am blessed to say that the light is peaking through. I am still working with doctors and adjusting meds, but we are getting there.

I have had a couple of you ask about the ordeal with Elijah. I really don't have much to report at the moment except it has been turned over to the prosecutor. The detective on the case is waiting for an update to let us know. It has been a trying experience in and of its self. But we and most importantly Elijah is doing well. He brings it up now and again, we let him talk it out and then we all move on.

Now on to the fun stuff!!!

This book takes you back to high school. Ok I can hear some of you grumbling already. But it's not like that. Ever wonder what happened to the Prom Queen, the Jock, the one you thought had it all? This book is a super funny look inside the not so perfect life of "THAT" girl all grown up.

The ups and downs and mistakes she made. She realizes the pain she causes other people and gets an odd chance to go back to try to fix things. But fails to realize that every time she changes something that it has a ripple effect. The book had me hooked I finished in two days, giggling for most of it.

It does have a good story base and reflects on how bullying can hurt someone and change their life forever.
http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-here-i-go-again

I received this book as part of the Blogher book club and am compensated for my review. But as always my opinion is my own.

34

Well another year has come and gone. I am not ashamed of my age like some women are. As a matter of fact this year more then anything I am proud to have this Birthday.

To follow up on the last blog. The medication seems to be helping. I have had a few side effects but we are getting those all worked out. In talking with my husband and my dr, I have realized that I just felt so hopeless at that dark moment in my life. I was getting no where with workmen's comp and no relief from this extra knee pain. That dark Friday night I lost hope.

As a Christian I know there is always hope, that my God will never leave or forsake me. But for those 45 minutes or so alone in the dark and in pain it felt like someone else was in control of my body. I had voices inside my head telling me the pain would all go away and it would be better for everyone else around me. I had been praying earlier that night, thanking God for what he had given me and praying for others on my list. When the intense pain was getting really bad I was praying then even, then out of no where it was like a switch was turned on in my head that said if you just swallow a couple extra pills you can go to heaven where there is no more pain. I know that the Lord was not telling me to kill myself.

I have been fighting a spiritual battle all year it seems. If it is not one thing it's another. But as another year of my life starts today I am looking forward to the future.

Yes I am still having knee pain. I got my 3rd and final injection yesterday. It is not back to where it was, and I don't really know if it will ever be. We are holding off on physical therapy until after my 6 week check up to try to let the shots work and give the knee rest. He still has be on sedentary duty and doesn't want me doing a lot of walking.

Thank you to those that have been praying for and with me. Some I didn't even know read my blog until they said they read and were praying. I appreciate it more then I can say.

Have you ever felt so alone?

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything here. Most of you probably thought I had given up blogging all together. And well I guess for a while I did. I have given up a lot of things I enjoy(ed) lately.
I am not going to sugar coat things, I am tired of being ashamed! Depression set in on me like a load of bricks. This year seems like I have been hit and hit and hit. If it's not one thing it's another.  This knee injury added to an already fragile mental status. I have been having problems with panic attacks in groups. Get me in a room with more then about 3 or so people and feels like the walls are closing in on me. A trip to the store gets a pill first and even thin its iffy if I will make it out of there without full blow anxiety.

After discussing this with my Lupus dr. We decided I need to see a therapist. After the first appointment with him he changed up some meds and saw me in two weeks. Well between then and the next appointment my life felt like it was falling apart. My knee was still swelling up and giving me a ton of pain. Which according to the PT was not so uncommon when you have a knee injury. The extra swelling and fluid in the joint was causing the arthritis and bone spurs extra irritation and with the knee every little movement moves the knee cap so you are constantly irritating the injury. We tried the steroid shot right off the bat. It didn't work! So I was fighting with workmen's comp to get a synthetic cartilage injection.  I was  loosing all hope that it was ever going to get better. I was having extreme pain and lots of sleepless nights. I felt like everyone thought I was faking or milking it. I felt alone. We lost our phones during the same time and our internet so I felt like I could reach out to no one that I hadn't already burden so much with being hurt.
It is hard for me to admit but if it helps someone I am putting it out there. I tried to kill myself. I just tried to end all the pain. I thought a few extra pills would just put me to sleep and if it was just a few extra Ron could still get my life insurance cause it would look like an accident not a suicide.
When I told my dr about it 3 days later he wanted to admit me to the hospital. I rejected the idea because it would just make the financial problems worse. He agreed to let me go home with an added medication and an adjustment as long as I promised to call or come in if I felt like I was out of options again.

I did finally get the first of three injections this past Tuesday, and although I am not seeing any real improvement from it yet. I do have hope that the three of this together will give some relief.
I know that this has scared me, my family and my dear friend whom I confided in. I apologize to you all. I am still working through these issues and more in my head.

But putting it all out there seems to someone lift the burden or maybe makes me more accountable to someone who may read it and see me in a store? Who knows. But it's here now......... I don't regret sharing and actually feel a bit better. I am not looking for sympathy. I will accept and appreciate all prayers however. I know there has to be something great on the other side of this year long battle.

BGBC Junes Book Review

This months book is titled What Alice Forgot by Liana Moriarty. As always with my book reviews for BlogHer. I am compensated for my review, but my options belong to me.

This is a GREAT book. The story actually made me laugh out loud and I flew through the pages.
The premise of the book is about Alice who sustains a head injury and has lost the last ten years of her life. She can't remember the birth of her children or why she is in the middle of an ugly divorce. She still thinks she is madly in love with her soon to be ex. This story has lots of love, laughs and family drama. Alice makes the choice to right some wrongs and becomes a stronger person on the other side. She starts to get her memory back but only in little bits and it all gets confused in her head as to who the memory is with or what actually happened.  It got me thinking about what I would miss if I forgot the last ten years.........If you could change your attitude because now you see the hurt you cause people would you? It is something all of us really need a look at our life from the outside. This is one to download and read over the weekend, I know I finished it in 2 days and couldn't hardly put it down.

May's Book review

Ok this book well it is Where she went by Gayle Forman. It is a young adult book and usually I do good with them. This one not so much. It is a second book, maybe that is why. I guess I should have read the first but too late now.

It's about a rockstar who has issues (I know so overrated) who is in love with his high school sweetheart who is an amazing cellist. The whole book is the span of one day. It does talk of addiction, love lost and tragic accidents. In all honesty it kind of reminded me of a show of the CW LOL. I may give it to the daughter to read and see if she can get into it more then me.  If you are interested in reading a discussion about this book check it out here -> http://www.blogher.com/where-she-went

Thanks for taking the time to read my reviews. I am compensated by BlogHer for my reviews, but the opinions are all mine.

Not a book review :-)

Ok so I know it has been a while since I have wrote anything on here that wasn't a book review.

As most of you that follow the blog know we moved at the end of April that has taken up most of our time. We are finally starting to feel like this is our home. Getting boxes emptied and figuring out where to put everything. Although putting everything away is made much easier by the fact that we have SO much more room now. And tons of storage. The boy and the dog are loving the big fenced in back yard.  And all the extra living space. I can't tell you how many times they have laid on the floor together or played or Rooby slept while Elijah played. Elijah has even talked Hannah into enjoying sidewalk chalk in the back yard a few times. He absolutely loves the freedom it has given him. He can now play out there to his hearts content and I am not worried about him running in the road on each side of us or someone snatching him up.

              

After looking at this pictures I realized I have a bunch of our dog laying down. But that is the only time I can catch her on my phone camera and still be able to tell what I am taking a picture of. She runs around like crazy and has made fast friends with a couple of other dogs whose owner walks them by our place daily. On the back side of our house where the fence is there is great shade in the afternoon as you can tell by Rooby soaking it up <---  This is great for me since I am allergic to the sun, I can actually go outside and enjoy watching the kids and dog play too. Ron of course loves his 2 car garage and having all of his tools back under one roof. He still has to organize everything but I know it won't be long and I will hear the sounds of a compound miter saw and sanding again. (I already have a wish list of things when he gets set up again.. love you honey)

I have also been having my own set of health issues. I don't know if some of it is a reaction to the meds or combo of meds or just a progression of things. I know right now it is harder each day to get out of bed and go to work in the morning. It takes longer for me to be able to walk and I am in pain every night when I go home, not just some. I also have some other things that are going on but I won't get into that yet. The good news is I have an appointment on the 25th and will hopefully have some answers. So please say a prayer for that appointment if you think about it. I have really been praying about if it might be time to consider disability. The only problem with that is I will have to be off work for 6 months before I can file and that is not saying that I would get it the first time around, which most people don't. Although I miss a ton of work due to the illness' I have, I am still bringing in some money to the family budget. Thank you everyone for your prayers and love.

April Book Club Review

I am going to try to write 2 post today. This one for the book club and the second about all the stuff going on in our lives.

Born Wicked by Jessica Spotswood was this months book.
I don't usually read books about witches or vampires or any other young adult fiction really. But I thought I would give this one a shot.
Of course like all the Blog Her book club reviews I was given the book and compensated for my review. But the review is all me baby take it or leave it. So I figured why not.

Surprisingly enough I enjoyed it. The book is about 3 sisters who have this "witch" powers. They lost their mother who was also a witch.
However this is during the early 1900's and witch's were put to death. Their mother didn't give much instruction of how to carry on, so it is left to the oldest daughter to keep a hold and try to control her younger sisters. The Brotherhood has taken over and keeps a close eye on everyone. There are restrictions to the books you can read. What women should wear, how they should act. It is so suppressed that the main character Cate envies Arab women and their freedom. It is also about love and bonds between sisters. I don't want to give away the book, lets just say it's good and read it. LOL

I think I will read the next in the series when it comes out.
Come join my at BlogHer and read some other reviews or join a discussion.

http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/do-you-know-your-inner-wild-girl

March Book Club Review

Oh am I excited to give this book review. I couldn't wait to get this book and then when I did it was hard to put down. The book I am talking about is this one... Diary of a Mad Fat Girl (first off isn't that just a great title?)

Before I say anything about the book itself the author was self published. That means she had no deadlines but those of her own making. While taking care of a family she wrote a whole book. Sheez I feel like I am lucky to read a book much less write one. She then got picked up by New American Library, part of Penguin Group (USA). Who provided me a book in exchange for my review. I am also compensated by blogher, but the words and review is mine only.




Now on to this wonderfully funny book. The main character "Ace" is quirky and funny. She is a no nonsense kinda gal. The story talks about her life and her relationship with her 2 best girlfriends that she has had since school and her on again off again "love of her life" 
When one of these girlfriends get put in the hospital by her no good for nothing jerk of a cheating husband Ace and Lilly make it their mission to show her how scummy he really is. They know she will not leave him without prove and that is exactly what they are going to do. The book tells of their adventures and misadventures. And has some twists along the way. I found myself laughing out loud when I was reading this book. It is relative to the best chick flick in a book you have ever seen. It has it all, love, friendship, humor and dogs. 

Adjustments

Adjustments is such an easy word to spill out of my mouth, but actually making them in my life is hard.
There are many kinds of adjustments we all make from diet & lifestyle to spiritual. You name it and it an be adjusted somehow even our spines. My doctors and I have been adjusting my medications to try to decrease the pain and increase quality of life. When you are in pain all the time little things that we take for granted at other times seem difficult. Like getting out of bed, walking to the restroom, even brushing our hair. There have been mornings that by time I shower, shampoo and style my hair I am in tears or full out crying because the pain is so intense. But hopefully as we make these adjustments that will get better too.

Lifestyle adjustments seem to be the hardest to make for me. To take time for me alone well just doesn't really happen. I have gotten better at asking for help. I am lucky enough to have a family who understands for the most part what is going on and tries to help. I just have to remember that they are not mind readers and I have to ask for it or tell them what I need exactly. But I don't think that problem is unique to chronic sick people, I think women in general have a hard time with it. We try to do it all and be all for everyone in our lives. We just can't!!! If you take care of everyone else and not yourself you will crumble.

Last year was a hard year for me. I was sick almost the whole year it seemed. And just when I would get better one of the kids would get sick. We spent a ton of money on dr visits and medicine. I was thinking about all that went wrong last year and then I thought why am I dwelling on this? I can't change a thing about it now. Did you not have anything good that happened last year? You know what I did!!!  We had so many laughs and good times. Wonderful camping trips that were relaxing and awesome family time. Why do I forget these things and remember the bad?

Like I said in my last post I am watching my attitude at work. It is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I am trying my hardest to be thankful that I do have a job that I am (hopefully) getting a paycheck from while I look for another one. I have great co-workers who do their best to run interference with the boss for me. Who make me laugh when he upsets me.  Those things count. I need to remember that!

I also have great friends who pray with and for me. They check on me. They love me and I love them. Besides your immediate family there is no greater joy then having a good set of girlfriends. I lacked that for many years and now that I have it well it rocks. I love being able to call, text or send a message on facebook and say I am down and have one of them pick me up. I love meeting and talking. I need those hugs. If you don't have someone in your life that can do that for you find one. It will be worth the investment trust me.

In closing I may be sick more then not, but because of this my children have empathy for others. My daughter wants to go into the medical field and I think she will be great! She is kind and patient. She has an old soul and a loving heart. Elijah knows to be gentle with people and that sometimes people just need a hug to make them feel better. Those lessons I would like to think they would have learned on their own, but I really think God has used my illness to teach them these and so much more. Yes all my many diseases stink, but I am still alive. If I can justify in my mind that my pain helps someone else then it makes it a little easier to handle.

So if your reading this, you are a friend or a family member. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for prayers and support. Please remember that we are all making adjustments and growing. Today I may be in pain, but that doesn't mean I will be tomorrow.

Attitude

As most of you know from facebook I have dealt with some pretty nasty attitudes at work. While I am looking for another job, I have to hold on to this one til something else comes along. So I have decided after last weeks outburst when he was screaming and up in my face and more then once said "I know it's my fault", that I need to let it roll off my back and not take it so personally.

 It will not be easy I know. I am a tender hearted person. Growing up I got 1 spanking, every other time my dad would just raise his voice and I felt like my world crumbled. I get up every week day with knots in my shoulders and my stomach flipping just wondering what is going to happen at work that day. This is not how I want to live life. I have to make my life better. For me and for my family who also suffers when Mom is sick due to stress. I have to find a way to not let his ugliness rub off on me. I was studying Matthew 7 and once again verses 3 & 4 struck me, if you don't know those ones by heart those are the verses that speak about judging the sawdust in your brothers eye while you have a plank in yours.

Maybe my attitude hasn't been the best back to him, does his hate and anger give me the right to yell back at him? Where is the line between standing up for yourself and being the same mean person? I am struggling with this. I am judging him for being so cruel to me and the other employees but what am I doing wrong to someone else. Am I screaming more at my children, because I was screamed at? That is not fair to them at all. I will not let this bully control my home life. I will not let him bully my kids through me. Yes I want to be used as a vessel, but not for hate, bigotry and anger.

I know God has a plan for my life, maybe staying in this job for a while longer is to teach me a lesson. Not one I am enjoying, but maybe it will soon be over and I will move on to a new job.............

January BHBC Review

(I was compensated to give a review, but the opinions are my own)

This is the latest Book Club review.  It is titled "the underside of joy" written by Sere Prince Halverson

this is her debut book, and I will be watching for more from her.

This book touched my heart on so many different subjects. 

The first of which begins the story of the main character Ella Beene she struggles with 5 miscarriages before she realizes that her marriage is falling apart. She hits the road in search of herself and peace. She loves how the redwoods of California make her feel. So she follows that love to a small town called Elbow. There she runs into Joe and his two small children and become wife and stepmother literally the same day.  

Joe runs his families small general store that has been passed down 3 generations. 

Like couples do sometimes they go about their daily lives never really dealing with the deep or hard to talk about subjects. Ella knows the store has problems and that business isn't what it should be, but everytime Joe tries to talk to her about it they get distracted. 

It's not until Joe dies in a freak accident that she learns how bad off the store really is or how little she really knew. At the funeral of her beloved a woman she had never seen before shows up. She finds out this is the biological mother to her two children that left them and Joe when they were little. She had a bad case of PPD and just up and left one day without warning or any contact. After seeing her children again and supposedly getting her life back in order she decides she wants to take the children away from Ella.

This is just one more thing on Ella's plate! It is a great read and I don't want to give away too much of the book. But it will make you think about life and death. How much have you and your spouse planned for death and the one left to pick up the pieces. What will happen to the children, birth or step. Do you know where your finances are? Does your spouse know all the passwords? These are all things that came to my mind.

Come see more opinions and discussions at BlogHer.

Made it another year

Well we survived Christmas and New Years. The kids had a ton of fun in Missouri. Elijah told everyone he was extra good this year because he got 2 Christmas'. He is such a ham. Overall I think this holiday season was a great success. I missed my kids like crazy, but to hear the stories and joy they had, it makes it all ok. I only got to see my grandparents a few times a year growing up, we lived in Michigan and they lived in Arkansas and Missouri. I do have some fond memories. But Hannah has so many more already with my folks. She has traveled with them and gone with Papa to the movies. They will both have great memories that no matter how much I miss them, I wouldn't ever want to take away from them. I love that my Dad has carried on with Elijah of them going on "special field trips" (as Elijah calls it) to the movies. It makes them feel special. And my Dad gets a trip out of the house.

I got so wrapped up in them opening gifts at our house that I completely forgot to take pictures!! Opps!

I am still looking for another job, have had some possible leads in the last few days and sent out more resumes. Here's to hopping a new year brings about great changes in that department.
I am pretty sure if I get out of this toxic place it will help my health.

One question that keeps replaying in my mind is why are people so "thankful" over the Thanksgiving but not any other time of the year? Do their blessings stop? Do all the people fighting to defend our friends get to magically come home? (Their families and I wish) Maybe some are thankful year around they just don't verbalize it like they do during November? I know I am guilty of this. I do try to change up my woe is me posts on Facebook with what I am grateful for instead of how bad my job is or how bad I feel. I don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time. Sure I throw cute stuff in about kids here and there. But really why do I care about Facebook? Yes it's fun to read about what's going on in other people's life's. Maybe we want to feel like we don't have it so bad. Or perhaps we want to look to cheer us up. Whatever the reason. I am going to start telling the people in my daily life how thankful I am for them. Maybe not in those exact words. But I want them to know it matters that they are in my life. As Elijah would say "You are my bestest Mommy" who cares that I am his only mommy? Not me.... nope that is the best compliment my "bestest Elijah" could give me!!

The Magic Room book review.

I was recently given "Jeffrey Zaslow's The Magic Room: A Story About the Love We Wish for Our Daughters" in exchange for my review of the book. Having a daughter myself I was excited to read this book, and it did not disappoint.


The book centers around a room in a bridal shop called The Magic Room. It is a room in the store that is a bank vault converted into this magical room  with a pedestal, soft lighting and lots of mirrors. It is the room that makes every bride look good. Where mother's and brides put aside their differences and arguments about wedding planning and where the reality of my baby is getting married sets in.


The book tells several stories of these women that come into the bridal shop. You learn a back story for each of the brides. Each story touches your heart in a different place, I laughed and cried with this one.
It also tells the story of the owners of the bridal shop, the Becker family.  From the founder to four generations later, the ups and downs that come with running a business and making it work with family. 


As I was reading this book I thought wow Jeffery Zaslow has a great imagination, I would have thought this book was written by a woman with all the emotion and detail about buying a wedding dress. It wasn't until the end of the book that I read it was all based on true stories. Some how that makes it even more heartfelt. 
If you are a woman that has ever been married, thought of getting married or had a daughter get married I think you will like this book. It is very well written and even though it tells the story of so many it flows nicely from each one and you don't feel lost.


Check out more reviews of the book and an ongoing discussion about it at http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-magic-room.