Taking a break

We are child free for almost 2 weeks. This is something that has happened for many years with Hannah and Elijah quickly picked up the habit too. You see they are lucky enough to have grandparents who love them and want to spend as much time with them as possible, (which is never enough). To the kids it is a time to be spoiled, not with things although a trip to the store yielded a new toy yesterday, but with love and giggles too.
I still worry about Elijah being so far away for so many days. We talk on the phone several times while he is gone and we are going to try to use Skype this time around. I know I shouldn't worry too much as we were leaving on Sunday he started telling me "nanana you have to go to work and I get to go on special field trips with Papa and you don't" Yeah the kid already has it all figured out.

Hannah has taken several trips with my parents over the years. She has seen some really cool things and got to meet people in our family that she might not have had the chance to otherwise. She has great memories of these trips and people. It has helped to mold her into the great traveler she is and part of the reason I let her go to Costa Rica last summer. I know she has some travel smarts thanks to many trips. Although Elijah won't be taking any long trips with my folks, because they are kinda tied to the house with Grandma. He is still getting the Independence of being away from Mom & Dad. He is showered in hugs and kisses. He doesn't have to worry about hurting me when he is climbing around. And although I do feel some guilt about him being gone for almost two weeks. It takes away some of the guilt when I just can't cook dinner after being at work all day.
When it starts to get close to the time for them to come home I seem to really be missing them. But for these first days, sure I miss them. But I am enjoying watching a show without stopping it 4-100 times during. Going to the bathroom alone, ok except for the dog sticking her paws under the door. :-) No matter how much I am enjoying some down time, the need of just one more kiss and hug far out weighs it. I know I will be recharged when they come home and be a better mommy for a while then I was when I left them.

Thanks again to my parents for loving me and my children so much! You are just truly awesome people!!
(I mean who else do I get that from right?) LOL

Buried deep inside

Are you an explosive person or a lock it away personality?
I am a lock it away and store it up type. I am starting to think that this lovely trait may contribute to my Fibro pain. I know it is not the cause. That is due to faulty misfires in the brain. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Fibro also, she is a nurse and has started her own that helps explain in lay terms some of the things that happen with Fibro. You can check that out here, http://yourfibroquestionsanswered.wordpress.com/
Her and I have become  kindred spirits in this battle. Yes every person deals with and feels different symptoms of the same disease. No two people are alike.
I have tried real hard not to keep complaining about the pain. My family gets the brunt of it, which really don't we all give our families the worst sometimes The run down stressed out us? They are the ones that see me come home from work and lay in the bed. They see the pain on my face, hear the moans and groans when I move. All of my health problems are not just mine alone. They are also those of my family. No they haven't been diagnosed with them, they just carry the load. My kids have had to learn way to early in life what someone who is chronically ill deals with. My 3 year old has heard one too many times don't wiggle while I am holding you it hurts too bad. He often asks me if I am sick again. He just doesn't understand, yet he does.

I am realizing what I need to do to keep on well keeping on. I need to find a new job. The stress and extra problems here add more weight on my already painful shoulders. I need to start getting things off my chest. Not that I have a lot of complaints per say. I just bottle. I need to release that pressure valve. I have started doing stretching again in the mornings because it hurts so good. I know it hurts while I am doing it, but I know it will make the rest of the day better. I will make alone time, time to chill a priority. I have to. At this point in my life I am lucky to go to the bathroom and not have a dog or kid at the door or coming through the door to join me. Ron has started to help with this. But I need to find a time to let this mind that won't shut off chill without being mom, wife or employee. The only catch is not feeling guilty while I do..........

Been a while

I realized that it has been a while since I have made a post. Time and life seem to get away from me sometimes.
This year in general seems to be a test in endurance. I feel like either me or someone in my house has been sick since December of last year. Although there were a few days of non-sickness that's not really that far from the truth.

Lately I have been in a great deal of pain again. Which has been frustrating and depressing. I thought we had got a handle on it where I could at least function. I went and saw the Rheumy on Wednesday and said "I feel like every since I had my surgery that the pain has just gradually worked it's way back in and now is worse then ever". She (saw the PA) told me that is not that uncommon really. After a surgery or sickness (oh yeah pneumonia  too) you go into a flare and it takes a while to get it back in check often it takes a change up on the dosage or even a change of meds to get you out of it. I LOVE when my doctor makes me feel like I am not crazy or just being a wimp with the pain. So we are trying some different doses on meds (if I can get the insurance to approve one of them, because they said it is over the recommended dose). And added some new ones. One of which I took for the first time last night. And I slept...yes I actually slept from 10pm to 6:30am. I felt like a new woman this morning. If I can get a few more nights of this I might actually become a happy person again. I know my family would like that. I am not a very happy person when I am getting 3 hours of sleep if I am lucky and hurting all the time. It just doesn't work.
I also was given a sleeping pill, but when I went to get it last night the generic form of it was still a 50.00
co-pay so we will wait until payday for that one.

I can not tell you the last day that I didn't have pain. I am not complaining or trying to get you to feel sorry for me. Just to maybe have it make a little more sense to some. Unlike a guy at work who said " you are too young to hurt that bad" or " maybe if you lost more weight it would help". Yes real things that have been said to me. To which I replied "Illness knows no age" and (pardon my language) "Screw you! I have lost 43lbs since January. You take steroids 5 different times get 3 different steroid shots in a year and tell me how easy it is for you to take off that extra weight your carrying around!" "Not to mention I feel lucky to get out of bed and dressed most days, exercise is not the easiest thing to do right now, if you want to pay for my membership at the health plex so I can work out in the water, great!"  OK So it ticked me off a little.

On a brighter note some things I am loving. That my 3yr old has this southern drawl sometimes. I admit to pretend I didn't hear him the first time, just so I can hear him say it again. I enjoy it in the mornings that I take a shower and the mirror fogs up. I only wipe off enough for my face. It gives me that view of my pretty face and nothing else. Like my own little glamour shot LOL. I also like that when I am standing in front of said mirror my puppy dog likes to lay on my feet and keep them warm. To some this may be an annoyance, but to me where the cold hurts so bad it feels nice. Maybe that is why she does it.... they say dogs can sense things in their owners hhhmmmm??  I am so grateful that my teenager is so very loving and thoughtful. She helps cook and clean, helps give her brother a bath. I do not take all these things lightly. I know she could so be a pain in the backside and just give me more pain, but she doesn't. I tell her often how much I appreciate it and how much it helps.

On a random note as I was scrapping off the windows and Ron was doing his. I said why can't they make all the other windows in the car defrost like the back one? It is cleaned off completely by the time I scrape the others. He said they tried it for a while on the Taurus, but something about it took too much juice and the battery wasn't getting recharged. Shucks. So if you know a whiz kid, tell them to invent a way for that to work will ya please? My aching body would love ya forever! 

Quiet time

Goodness it's been a while since I posted on here. My life felt like it was in a tail spin for months on end.
The Lord has given me this path to walk for a reason. I might not see the true purpose yet. But I hang on to the fact that I know it's there.  Maybe these struggles will allow me to tell someone else that I have been in a situation like theirs or maybe it will give me compassion for someone else that I otherwise would have judged.
I know this time has also been hard on my family. Does this mean that God is teaching them through this or are they just innocent bystanders that get hit with my trials? Granted none of them are dying or anything, but I know it has taken an emotional toll and they have had to step up more then normal.

This year in and of itself has taught me a few things. Here is a list of 10 that come to mind now

1) That although I am still in my 30's, I am getting older and with each passing year my laundry list of illness get worse.
2)  What my doctor told me in my teens about Lupus and Edometriosis is/has come true.
3) Loosing weight is hard when your on steroids, but easy when your so sick you don't want to eat.
4) That I need to take better care of myself. I need to eat better. I need some quiet time.
5) I enjoy my quiet time. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But have come to like having even 10 minutes of uninterrupted time to read or just meditate.
6) More times then not, my Bible study, talk to God time is in my car. Sitting in the parking lot at work because I am early and alone.
7) Once Elijah figured out door handles there is really no privacy in the bathroom, And he is smart enough to figure out he has a captive audience.
8) I really miss my friends when I am so sick.
9) I have great friends who have brought us food, prayed for us, brought me medicine. Picked up Hannah. Called just to say you are on my mind and you are still my friend.
10) I feel like I have been a failure of a friend. I have missed things that I wanted to be there for them or their kids. I have not checked in with them as much as I should have. etc.

I hope I am on the mend. Thank you again for all the prayers and encouragement. And I am going to try to be better about writing again. Because it truly gives me pleasure.

Book Review- The Kid

Before I got so sick I wrote another book review for Blogher. Check it out at the link below.

http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/kid-broke-my-heart

Playing Catch up, TMI medical stuff

Wow it has been forever since I last posted on here. So much has been going on and I have been away from a computer. As most of you know I had surgery on the 29th of July. I had extreme pain the day before and left work thinking it was the last of the kidney stones. As I was driving home every bump in the road made me cry. I went straight to my family dr. who took one look at me and thought appendix. So off I went to the hospital for a CAT scan, drinking that lovely prep stuff on the way. I had to have an IV there for the scan, which the gal got on the first poke!! As soon as the scan was over the gal told me to go straight to the surgeons office, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. hehe I said ok what surgeon and where is he? She just assumed that was who sent me over. I told her I didn't think I could walk over there that I needed to go get my car and she told me NO that she would get a wheelchair and an escort to take me where I needed to go.

So as I was talking to the surgeon about what was going on and the options I had. One of these pain attacks hits. I am trying very hard to keep up conversation with him and the tears start to form and roll down my face. He says that's it I am admitting you now, we are going to do the test we need to and get you some pain medication in an IV right away. So someone takes me in a wheelchair to admitting. After getting a room on the Maternity floor, I am taken right up. Whew I thought I finally get some pain meds. This was about 4 in the afternoon. It takes a while for the nurse to come in and start all the paperwork, history, first exam etc. We get all that done and she says I will be right back to get an IV started to get you some meds. Whew I thought...
30 minutes later she comes back. She tries the first spot and misses, digs around and says ok lets try the other arm where they had the IV for the CAT scan (oh how I wish they would have left that in). She gets a vein, then when she starts to flush it blows, fluid filling the skin around it. DANG IT!!  She says that's it I am frustrated and obviously you have bad veins. About that time the surgeon calls to give her orders. She leaves then comes back in about 20 minutes later. Tells me they are going to do a PICC line instead of a normal IV since I will probably have surgery anyhow. Ok lets just get it done. I am in a bunch of pain.
About 6ish they come to take me to ultrasound. I had to have a vaginal one so they could see everything they needed to, they thought my ovary had flipped and was cutting of blood supply at first. This is not the most comfortable thing to start with and when your already in pain It was all I could do not to lay there crying.
I finally get back up to the room and think I might get relief soon. About 8:30ish they come to do the PICC line, it is a sterile procedure so she makes everyone else step out. I had one before when I got MRSA. Know the routine, not the worst thing in the world to have done, but not the most fun either.
She gets the line in and then we have to wait for portable x-ray to come and make sure the line is where it needs to be. For those that don't know. They put a tube in your upper arm and run it through your veins down by your heart. They come do the x-ray around 9:40.
The doctor comes in and says the ovary is not flipped but has issues.He has called a GYN to come look at it in the morning and discuss it with me. Tells me I can eat something tonight but nothing after midnight.
This is now almost 10 and I am alone. I ask the nurse for something since the last I ate was 8am.
Luckily she was a sweet lady and told me she would run down and get me food herself if she had to. She said it is simple stuff, do you think you could eat a hamburger. Sure I said. She tells me she is still waiting for x-ray to give her the ok.
At 10:30ish she comes in with pain medication. I could hear the angels singing as she ran it through the IV. Then about 15 minutes later she brought me food. Around 11:30 I was finally able to lay down enough to rest.
The next morning the GYN in comes in and says that I have cysts on my ovary and he is pretty sure I have had a couple burst because of the amount of liquid he could see. He recommended doing the surgery to clean up the ovary and remove and cyst that were left including the fluid and scar tissue. The general surgeon said since we were going to have me under that he wanted to remove the appendix since it was slightly swollen. He didn't want it to rupture later and me blame the pain on the ovary again and go septic.
So off to surgery we went.
Both doctors came and talked to Ron and Hannah after surgery. They even got to see pictures.
They ended up removing the ovary, because it was twice the size of the other one with several "knots" as Ron put it. This to me is funny, because when we had one of our first ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Elijah the nurse said I can tell you which ovary the egg came from, we said wow how do you know that? She said it came from the left, because the right looks all shriveled up and not working. HA. so not only was it twice the size of the left, but it had to grow more because at one time it was much smaller.

I am recovering well. Still have a little discomfort, and I am having I don't know maybe phantom pains on the right side, like I would with a period. I go back to see the GYN this friday the 12th to discuss the surgery and options from here on out. I will let you know more then.

Thank you for all the prayers, food and well wishes everyone has given to us during this time.

The Beach Trees

I recently did a book review for BlogHer. It was a great book. You can check out my review and others through the link below.

Curl Up With a Copy of The Beach Trees | BlogHer