As most of you know from facebook I have dealt with some pretty nasty attitudes at work. While I am looking for another job, I have to hold on to this one til something else comes along. So I have decided after last weeks outburst when he was screaming and up in my face and more then once said "I know it's my fault", that I need to let it roll off my back and not take it so personally.
It will not be easy I know. I am a tender hearted person. Growing up I got 1 spanking, every other time my dad would just raise his voice and I felt like my world crumbled. I get up every week day with knots in my shoulders and my stomach flipping just wondering what is going to happen at work that day. This is not how I want to live life. I have to make my life better. For me and for my family who also suffers when Mom is sick due to stress. I have to find a way to not let his ugliness rub off on me. I was studying Matthew 7 and once again verses 3 & 4 struck me, if you don't know those ones by heart those are the verses that speak about judging the sawdust in your brothers eye while you have a plank in yours.
Maybe my attitude hasn't been the best back to him, does his hate and anger give me the right to yell back at him? Where is the line between standing up for yourself and being the same mean person? I am struggling with this. I am judging him for being so cruel to me and the other employees but what am I doing wrong to someone else. Am I screaming more at my children, because I was screamed at? That is not fair to them at all. I will not let this bully control my home life. I will not let him bully my kids through me. Yes I want to be used as a vessel, but not for hate, bigotry and anger.
I know God has a plan for my life, maybe staying in this job for a while longer is to teach me a lesson. Not one I am enjoying, but maybe it will soon be over and I will move on to a new job.............
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
January BHBC Review
(I was compensated to give a review, but the opinions are my own)
This is the latest Book Club review. It is titled "the underside of joy" written by Sere Prince Halverson
this is her debut book, and I will be watching for more from her.
This book touched my heart on so many different subjects.
The first of which begins the story of the main character Ella Beene she struggles with 5 miscarriages before she realizes that her marriage is falling apart. She hits the road in search of herself and peace. She loves how the redwoods of California make her feel. So she follows that love to a small town called Elbow. There she runs into Joe and his two small children and become wife and stepmother literally the same day.
Joe runs his families small general store that has been passed down 3 generations.
Like couples do sometimes they go about their daily lives never really dealing with the deep or hard to talk about subjects. Ella knows the store has problems and that business isn't what it should be, but everytime Joe tries to talk to her about it they get distracted.
It's not until Joe dies in a freak accident that she learns how bad off the store really is or how little she really knew. At the funeral of her beloved a woman she had never seen before shows up. She finds out this is the biological mother to her two children that left them and Joe when they were little. She had a bad case of PPD and just up and left one day without warning or any contact. After seeing her children again and supposedly getting her life back in order she decides she wants to take the children away from Ella.
This is just one more thing on Ella's plate! It is a great read and I don't want to give away too much of the book. But it will make you think about life and death. How much have you and your spouse planned for death and the one left to pick up the pieces. What will happen to the children, birth or step. Do you know where your finances are? Does your spouse know all the passwords? These are all things that came to my mind.
Come see more opinions and discussions at BlogHer.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Made it another year
Well we survived Christmas and New Years. The kids had a ton of fun in Missouri. Elijah told everyone he was extra good this year because he got 2 Christmas'. He is such a ham. Overall I think this holiday season was a great success. I missed my kids like crazy, but to hear the stories and joy they had, it makes it all ok. I only got to see my grandparents a few times a year growing up, we lived in Michigan and they lived in Arkansas and Missouri. I do have some fond memories. But Hannah has so many more already with my folks. She has traveled with them and gone with Papa to the movies. They will both have great memories that no matter how much I miss them, I wouldn't ever want to take away from them. I love that my Dad has carried on with Elijah of them going on "special field trips" (as Elijah calls it) to the movies. It makes them feel special. And my Dad gets a trip out of the house.
I got so wrapped up in them opening gifts at our house that I completely forgot to take pictures!! Opps!
I am still looking for another job, have had some possible leads in the last few days and sent out more resumes. Here's to hopping a new year brings about great changes in that department.
I am pretty sure if I get out of this toxic place it will help my health.
One question that keeps replaying in my mind is why are people so "thankful" over the Thanksgiving but not any other time of the year? Do their blessings stop? Do all the people fighting to defend our friends get to magically come home? (Their families and I wish) Maybe some are thankful year around they just don't verbalize it like they do during November? I know I am guilty of this. I do try to change up my woe is me posts on Facebook with what I am grateful for instead of how bad my job is or how bad I feel. I don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time. Sure I throw cute stuff in about kids here and there. But really why do I care about Facebook? Yes it's fun to read about what's going on in other people's life's. Maybe we want to feel like we don't have it so bad. Or perhaps we want to look to cheer us up. Whatever the reason. I am going to start telling the people in my daily life how thankful I am for them. Maybe not in those exact words. But I want them to know it matters that they are in my life. As Elijah would say "You are my bestest Mommy" who cares that I am his only mommy? Not me.... nope that is the best compliment my "bestest Elijah" could give me!!
I got so wrapped up in them opening gifts at our house that I completely forgot to take pictures!! Opps!
I am still looking for another job, have had some possible leads in the last few days and sent out more resumes. Here's to hopping a new year brings about great changes in that department.
I am pretty sure if I get out of this toxic place it will help my health.
One question that keeps replaying in my mind is why are people so "thankful" over the Thanksgiving but not any other time of the year? Do their blessings stop? Do all the people fighting to defend our friends get to magically come home? (Their families and I wish) Maybe some are thankful year around they just don't verbalize it like they do during November? I know I am guilty of this. I do try to change up my woe is me posts on Facebook with what I am grateful for instead of how bad my job is or how bad I feel. I don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time. Sure I throw cute stuff in about kids here and there. But really why do I care about Facebook? Yes it's fun to read about what's going on in other people's life's. Maybe we want to feel like we don't have it so bad. Or perhaps we want to look to cheer us up. Whatever the reason. I am going to start telling the people in my daily life how thankful I am for them. Maybe not in those exact words. But I want them to know it matters that they are in my life. As Elijah would say "You are my bestest Mommy" who cares that I am his only mommy? Not me.... nope that is the best compliment my "bestest Elijah" could give me!!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
The Magic Room book review.
I was recently given "Jeffrey Zaslow's The Magic Room: A Story About the Love We Wish for Our Daughters" in exchange for my review of the book. Having a daughter myself I was excited to read this book, and it did not disappoint.
The book centers around a room in a bridal shop called The Magic Room. It is a room in the store that is a bank vault converted into this magical room with a pedestal, soft lighting and lots of mirrors. It is the room that makes every bride look good. Where mother's and brides put aside their differences and arguments about wedding planning and where the reality of my baby is getting married sets in.
The book tells several stories of these women that come into the bridal shop. You learn a back story for each of the brides. Each story touches your heart in a different place, I laughed and cried with this one.
It also tells the story of the owners of the bridal shop, the Becker family. From the founder to four generations later, the ups and downs that come with running a business and making it work with family.
As I was reading this book I thought wow Jeffery Zaslow has a great imagination, I would have thought this book was written by a woman with all the emotion and detail about buying a wedding dress. It wasn't until the end of the book that I read it was all based on true stories. Some how that makes it even more heartfelt.
If you are a woman that has ever been married, thought of getting married or had a daughter get married I think you will like this book. It is very well written and even though it tells the story of so many it flows nicely from each one and you don't feel lost.
Check out more reviews of the book and an ongoing discussion about it at http://www.blogher.com/
The book centers around a room in a bridal shop called The Magic Room. It is a room in the store that is a bank vault converted into this magical room with a pedestal, soft lighting and lots of mirrors. It is the room that makes every bride look good. Where mother's and brides put aside their differences and arguments about wedding planning and where the reality of my baby is getting married sets in.
The book tells several stories of these women that come into the bridal shop. You learn a back story for each of the brides. Each story touches your heart in a different place, I laughed and cried with this one.
It also tells the story of the owners of the bridal shop, the Becker family. From the founder to four generations later, the ups and downs that come with running a business and making it work with family.
As I was reading this book I thought wow Jeffery Zaslow has a great imagination, I would have thought this book was written by a woman with all the emotion and detail about buying a wedding dress. It wasn't until the end of the book that I read it was all based on true stories. Some how that makes it even more heartfelt.
If you are a woman that has ever been married, thought of getting married or had a daughter get married I think you will like this book. It is very well written and even though it tells the story of so many it flows nicely from each one and you don't feel lost.
Check out more reviews of the book and an ongoing discussion about it at http://www.blogher.com/
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Taking a break
We are child free for almost 2 weeks. This is something that has happened for many years with Hannah and Elijah quickly picked up the habit too. You see they are lucky enough to have grandparents who love them and want to spend as much time with them as possible, (which is never enough). To the kids it is a time to be spoiled, not with things although a trip to the store yielded a new toy yesterday, but with love and giggles too.
I still worry about Elijah being so far away for so many days. We talk on the phone several times while he is gone and we are going to try to use Skype this time around. I know I shouldn't worry too much as we were leaving on Sunday he started telling me "nanana you have to go to work and I get to go on special field trips with Papa and you don't" Yeah the kid already has it all figured out.
Hannah has taken several trips with my parents over the years. She has seen some really cool things and got to meet people in our family that she might not have had the chance to otherwise. She has great memories of these trips and people. It has helped to mold her into the great traveler she is and part of the reason I let her go to Costa Rica last summer. I know she has some travel smarts thanks to many trips. Although Elijah won't be taking any long trips with my folks, because they are kinda tied to the house with Grandma. He is still getting the Independence of being away from Mom & Dad. He is showered in hugs and kisses. He doesn't have to worry about hurting me when he is climbing around. And although I do feel some guilt about him being gone for almost two weeks. It takes away some of the guilt when I just can't cook dinner after being at work all day.
When it starts to get close to the time for them to come home I seem to really be missing them. But for these first days, sure I miss them. But I am enjoying watching a show without stopping it 4-100 times during. Going to the bathroom alone, ok except for the dog sticking her paws under the door. :-) No matter how much I am enjoying some down time, the need of just one more kiss and hug far out weighs it. I know I will be recharged when they come home and be a better mommy for a while then I was when I left them.
Thanks again to my parents for loving me and my children so much! You are just truly awesome people!!
(I mean who else do I get that from right?) LOL
I still worry about Elijah being so far away for so many days. We talk on the phone several times while he is gone and we are going to try to use Skype this time around. I know I shouldn't worry too much as we were leaving on Sunday he started telling me "nanana you have to go to work and I get to go on special field trips with Papa and you don't" Yeah the kid already has it all figured out.
Hannah has taken several trips with my parents over the years. She has seen some really cool things and got to meet people in our family that she might not have had the chance to otherwise. She has great memories of these trips and people. It has helped to mold her into the great traveler she is and part of the reason I let her go to Costa Rica last summer. I know she has some travel smarts thanks to many trips. Although Elijah won't be taking any long trips with my folks, because they are kinda tied to the house with Grandma. He is still getting the Independence of being away from Mom & Dad. He is showered in hugs and kisses. He doesn't have to worry about hurting me when he is climbing around. And although I do feel some guilt about him being gone for almost two weeks. It takes away some of the guilt when I just can't cook dinner after being at work all day.
When it starts to get close to the time for them to come home I seem to really be missing them. But for these first days, sure I miss them. But I am enjoying watching a show without stopping it 4-100 times during. Going to the bathroom alone, ok except for the dog sticking her paws under the door. :-) No matter how much I am enjoying some down time, the need of just one more kiss and hug far out weighs it. I know I will be recharged when they come home and be a better mommy for a while then I was when I left them.
Thanks again to my parents for loving me and my children so much! You are just truly awesome people!!
(I mean who else do I get that from right?) LOL
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Buried deep inside
Are you an explosive person or a lock it away personality?
I am a lock it away and store it up type. I am starting to think that this lovely trait may contribute to my Fibro pain. I know it is not the cause. That is due to faulty misfires in the brain. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Fibro also, she is a nurse and has started her own that helps explain in lay terms some of the things that happen with Fibro. You can check that out here, http://yourfibroquestionsanswered.wordpress.com/
Her and I have become kindred spirits in this battle. Yes every person deals with and feels different symptoms of the same disease. No two people are alike.
I have tried real hard not to keep complaining about the pain. My family gets the brunt of it, which really don't we all give our families the worst sometimes The run down stressed out us? They are the ones that see me come home from work and lay in the bed. They see the pain on my face, hear the moans and groans when I move. All of my health problems are not just mine alone. They are also those of my family. No they haven't been diagnosed with them, they just carry the load. My kids have had to learn way to early in life what someone who is chronically ill deals with. My 3 year old has heard one too many times don't wiggle while I am holding you it hurts too bad. He often asks me if I am sick again. He just doesn't understand, yet he does.
I am realizing what I need to do to keep on well keeping on. I need to find a new job. The stress and extra problems here add more weight on my already painful shoulders. I need to start getting things off my chest. Not that I have a lot of complaints per say. I just bottle. I need to release that pressure valve. I have started doing stretching again in the mornings because it hurts so good. I know it hurts while I am doing it, but I know it will make the rest of the day better. I will make alone time, time to chill a priority. I have to. At this point in my life I am lucky to go to the bathroom and not have a dog or kid at the door or coming through the door to join me. Ron has started to help with this. But I need to find a time to let this mind that won't shut off chill without being mom, wife or employee. The only catch is not feeling guilty while I do..........
I am a lock it away and store it up type. I am starting to think that this lovely trait may contribute to my Fibro pain. I know it is not the cause. That is due to faulty misfires in the brain. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Fibro also, she is a nurse and has started her own that helps explain in lay terms some of the things that happen with Fibro. You can check that out here, http://yourfibroquestionsanswered.wordpress.com/
Her and I have become kindred spirits in this battle. Yes every person deals with and feels different symptoms of the same disease. No two people are alike.
I have tried real hard not to keep complaining about the pain. My family gets the brunt of it, which really don't we all give our families the worst sometimes The run down stressed out us? They are the ones that see me come home from work and lay in the bed. They see the pain on my face, hear the moans and groans when I move. All of my health problems are not just mine alone. They are also those of my family. No they haven't been diagnosed with them, they just carry the load. My kids have had to learn way to early in life what someone who is chronically ill deals with. My 3 year old has heard one too many times don't wiggle while I am holding you it hurts too bad. He often asks me if I am sick again. He just doesn't understand, yet he does.
I am realizing what I need to do to keep on well keeping on. I need to find a new job. The stress and extra problems here add more weight on my already painful shoulders. I need to start getting things off my chest. Not that I have a lot of complaints per say. I just bottle. I need to release that pressure valve. I have started doing stretching again in the mornings because it hurts so good. I know it hurts while I am doing it, but I know it will make the rest of the day better. I will make alone time, time to chill a priority. I have to. At this point in my life I am lucky to go to the bathroom and not have a dog or kid at the door or coming through the door to join me. Ron has started to help with this. But I need to find a time to let this mind that won't shut off chill without being mom, wife or employee. The only catch is not feeling guilty while I do..........
Friday, December 9, 2011
Been a while
I realized that it has been a while since I have made a post. Time and life seem to get away from me sometimes.
This year in general seems to be a test in endurance. I feel like either me or someone in my house has been sick since December of last year. Although there were a few days of non-sickness that's not really that far from the truth.
Lately I have been in a great deal of pain again. Which has been frustrating and depressing. I thought we had got a handle on it where I could at least function. I went and saw the Rheumy on Wednesday and said "I feel like every since I had my surgery that the pain has just gradually worked it's way back in and now is worse then ever". She (saw the PA) told me that is not that uncommon really. After a surgery or sickness (oh yeah pneumonia too) you go into a flare and it takes a while to get it back in check often it takes a change up on the dosage or even a change of meds to get you out of it. I LOVE when my doctor makes me feel like I am not crazy or just being a wimp with the pain. So we are trying some different doses on meds (if I can get the insurance to approve one of them, because they said it is over the recommended dose). And added some new ones. One of which I took for the first time last night. And I slept...yes I actually slept from 10pm to 6:30am. I felt like a new woman this morning. If I can get a few more nights of this I might actually become a happy person again. I know my family would like that. I am not a very happy person when I am getting 3 hours of sleep if I am lucky and hurting all the time. It just doesn't work.
I also was given a sleeping pill, but when I went to get it last night the generic form of it was still a 50.00
co-pay so we will wait until payday for that one.
I can not tell you the last day that I didn't have pain. I am not complaining or trying to get you to feel sorry for me. Just to maybe have it make a little more sense to some. Unlike a guy at work who said " you are too young to hurt that bad" or " maybe if you lost more weight it would help". Yes real things that have been said to me. To which I replied "Illness knows no age" and (pardon my language) "Screw you! I have lost 43lbs since January. You take steroids 5 different times get 3 different steroid shots in a year and tell me how easy it is for you to take off that extra weight your carrying around!" "Not to mention I feel lucky to get out of bed and dressed most days, exercise is not the easiest thing to do right now, if you want to pay for my membership at the health plex so I can work out in the water, great!" OK So it ticked me off a little.
On a brighter note some things I am loving. That my 3yr old has this southern drawl sometimes. I admit to pretend I didn't hear him the first time, just so I can hear him say it again. I enjoy it in the mornings that I take a shower and the mirror fogs up. I only wipe off enough for my face. It gives me that view of my pretty face and nothing else. Like my own little glamour shot LOL. I also like that when I am standing in front of said mirror my puppy dog likes to lay on my feet and keep them warm. To some this may be an annoyance, but to me where the cold hurts so bad it feels nice. Maybe that is why she does it.... they say dogs can sense things in their owners hhhmmmm?? I am so grateful that my teenager is so very loving and thoughtful. She helps cook and clean, helps give her brother a bath. I do not take all these things lightly. I know she could so be a pain in the backside and just give me more pain, but she doesn't. I tell her often how much I appreciate it and how much it helps.
On a random note as I was scrapping off the windows and Ron was doing his. I said why can't they make all the other windows in the car defrost like the back one? It is cleaned off completely by the time I scrape the others. He said they tried it for a while on the Taurus, but something about it took too much juice and the battery wasn't getting recharged. Shucks. So if you know a whiz kid, tell them to invent a way for that to work will ya please? My aching body would love ya forever!
This year in general seems to be a test in endurance. I feel like either me or someone in my house has been sick since December of last year. Although there were a few days of non-sickness that's not really that far from the truth.
Lately I have been in a great deal of pain again. Which has been frustrating and depressing. I thought we had got a handle on it where I could at least function. I went and saw the Rheumy on Wednesday and said "I feel like every since I had my surgery that the pain has just gradually worked it's way back in and now is worse then ever". She (saw the PA) told me that is not that uncommon really. After a surgery or sickness (oh yeah pneumonia too) you go into a flare and it takes a while to get it back in check often it takes a change up on the dosage or even a change of meds to get you out of it. I LOVE when my doctor makes me feel like I am not crazy or just being a wimp with the pain. So we are trying some different doses on meds (if I can get the insurance to approve one of them, because they said it is over the recommended dose). And added some new ones. One of which I took for the first time last night. And I slept...yes I actually slept from 10pm to 6:30am. I felt like a new woman this morning. If I can get a few more nights of this I might actually become a happy person again. I know my family would like that. I am not a very happy person when I am getting 3 hours of sleep if I am lucky and hurting all the time. It just doesn't work.
I also was given a sleeping pill, but when I went to get it last night the generic form of it was still a 50.00
co-pay so we will wait until payday for that one.
I can not tell you the last day that I didn't have pain. I am not complaining or trying to get you to feel sorry for me. Just to maybe have it make a little more sense to some. Unlike a guy at work who said " you are too young to hurt that bad" or " maybe if you lost more weight it would help". Yes real things that have been said to me. To which I replied "Illness knows no age" and (pardon my language) "Screw you! I have lost 43lbs since January. You take steroids 5 different times get 3 different steroid shots in a year and tell me how easy it is for you to take off that extra weight your carrying around!" "Not to mention I feel lucky to get out of bed and dressed most days, exercise is not the easiest thing to do right now, if you want to pay for my membership at the health plex so I can work out in the water, great!" OK So it ticked me off a little.
On a brighter note some things I am loving. That my 3yr old has this southern drawl sometimes. I admit to pretend I didn't hear him the first time, just so I can hear him say it again. I enjoy it in the mornings that I take a shower and the mirror fogs up. I only wipe off enough for my face. It gives me that view of my pretty face and nothing else. Like my own little glamour shot LOL. I also like that when I am standing in front of said mirror my puppy dog likes to lay on my feet and keep them warm. To some this may be an annoyance, but to me where the cold hurts so bad it feels nice. Maybe that is why she does it.... they say dogs can sense things in their owners hhhmmmm?? I am so grateful that my teenager is so very loving and thoughtful. She helps cook and clean, helps give her brother a bath. I do not take all these things lightly. I know she could so be a pain in the backside and just give me more pain, but she doesn't. I tell her often how much I appreciate it and how much it helps.
On a random note as I was scrapping off the windows and Ron was doing his. I said why can't they make all the other windows in the car defrost like the back one? It is cleaned off completely by the time I scrape the others. He said they tried it for a while on the Taurus, but something about it took too much juice and the battery wasn't getting recharged. Shucks. So if you know a whiz kid, tell them to invent a way for that to work will ya please? My aching body would love ya forever!
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