An Everyday Heart

Since most of you are friends with me on Face Book you have seen in the last couple weeks that I am trying to be thankful for what I have. Well in SS class yesterday one of the questions in our study hit home. Maybe not in class but later in the day as I reflected on it. I am paraphrasing here,

"How would your life be different if you let God a little more into your heart?"

By our own human standard we all wanted to say, he was in our heart fully. But the great thing about these women that I grow in Christ with is we all agreed that we could all let Him in a little more.

There are areas in my heart that I hold back, sometimes not even by a conscious choice.

I learned several years go after holding on to some pain for way too long. That the longer you hold that pain and hurt in your heart, the longer you are letting that person control you.

With that being said it is not something you can just do on your own. I find even though I have tried through the years to "Let go and let God" I screw it up. That's right me. My God is always there, always holding out his hand. Just waiting for me to allow him to embrace me. To take away the hurt, pain and fear that consumes me. It is such a relief to turn it all over to him, yet I try to hang on to it for so long. Trying to fix it for myself. Maybe it's pride. Maybe just stubbornness.

However life is always better after I turn it over. You would think being a grown woman I would learn that by now. Ummm NOPE! Still struggle with turning it all over to Him.

Money issues, relationship issues, family issues. He wants to help with it all. He wants to take the burden. Why don't we let him?

One of my friends wrote that the true show of faith is not in the Highs and Lows of living this life, but the middle. Are you praising him during that time? The mundane parts of life. Are you turning over the "everyday problems"? Sure we all pray when people we love are sick. We also rejoice and give praise when we see miracles. But what about that middle? Do we let him in on that part? I think my goal this holiday season is to let him into that space of my heart. The everyday.

Brick between the eyes..

Do you ever feel like God has to give you a brick between the eyes before you get something?

I DO!!!!

There have been many times that I have argued with my Lord only to give in and do what is right. I guess it is human nature. Most of the arguments from me start with something along the lines of "but what will they think". Ok I know that we shouldn't care what other people think. However it is something that is our nature I think. We start when we are still small. We want to fit in. No one wants to be the one to stick out, a thought that increases by leaps and bounds when we hit teenagism. *yep that's my new word*

Now you may not have been the one that had to have the clothes that was popular, or played sports, or listened to the same music. But for the most part you probably didn't do too much to stick out either. No one wants to be made fun of.

On the way to work/school this morning a song came on K-Love. As I was singing along, without even realizing I was doing it I was raising a hand in praise. After the song Hannah asked "Why do some people do that?" of course I had to ask do what? "Raise their hands when they sing". OH THAT......

Well it is a way of worship I tell her, I remind her how it speaks of raising hands to praise in the Bible. I asked her what her thoughts were on it. And she told me she has seen me do it in church along with some other people, but never really felt lead that way. She also wanted to know if I felt weird sometimes doing it in church if there was no one else doing it also.

Well honestly NO! I don't look around in church to see if other people are holding their hands up or if they are clapping. If I feel like I need to do those things I do.

It has not always been that way.

One of my dear friends was moving out of state and during one Sunday service before they left the Lord was telling me to get on my knees and prayer with her before we left the church. I argued over and over in my mind and heart through the whole service. What would everyone think? What if she rejected me? Guess what she didn't, we knelt and prayed and we were both touched beyond what we can do, God blessed us both in that moment.

Later as I was retelling the story to my hubby, his simple reaction was my brick between the eyes moment. "Well if you can't kneel and pray at church, where else should you do it" OH LORD!! Yeppers that one got me. He was right of course. *yes honey I said you were right fell free to print this blog post and frame it*

I too often let others determine how I worshiped.

As I was thinking about blogging about this or to just let it go. A friend of mine from High School posted a link to a new blog her brother is writing.

http://thoughtsofaworshipper.blogspot.com/

Again it was like the brick between my eyes, telling me to write what was on my heart.

I may have a big bruise on my forehead, but I will praise the Lord that he cares enough about lil ole me to throw the brick!

Trip Abroad

The other night as I was cooking dinner/washing dishes (oh I miss a dishwasher). Hannah was there helping me which she often does. That is the time we talk about school, friends, church, my work, anything really. I think we have a great relationship and she tells me a lot about her life. I know there is stuff she won't tell me, but all I can do is to be there when she is ready to talk. This night her Spanish class was on her mind. Apparently during said class her teacher got a packet of information on a class trip. Which I am also told the foreign language class takes once a year during the summer. This years trip is to Costa Rica. Ok is possibly to Costa Rica. She continues that the teacher doesn't have all the details yet but that it looks like the trip would cost $2000.00 for travel, hotel, meals etc. I think she expected me to freak. Instead I said ok get me all the details and we will call your dad and tell him to come up with half and we will try to come up with half. I wish I would have taken a picture. I emailed the teacher the next day and asked for all the details as soon as she gets them.

See I have a different situation then probably some of the parents. My ex lives out of state, he also refused to sign passport papers last time we tried. We have to have him sign a notarized letter or be there in person. I have been praying about this. I hope if this comes to be he sees how much it would mean to her. Please my friends and family pray with me on this.

I told her this trip and the cost of or at least spending money may fall on her shoulders too. She will have to save her birthday, christmas and any other money. And she may find herself babysitting, cleaning windows or just anything she can to earn extra cash.

I hope this is something she gets to do. It is a once in a lifetime chance I think. And if possible I am gonna do all in my power to make it happen. In that same breath. This trip scares me. Hannah is a traveler, she has literally gone from the Mexico border to Niagara Falls, but it has always been with me or my folks. She is a good girl and listens well. It is everyone else I am scared of. All of the travel advisories. I know the teachers would not go some place they didn't think was safe. But I am a mom. I guess the whole point of blogging about this is to call prayer. I will keep everyone updated when I know more.

Thank you to all.

Chance at free money.

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You may also want to check out her many other blogs too while you are there. She is a funny down to earth mother.

Boy or Girl, Truck or Doll????

Elijah is at that wonderful imagination stage in his life. All of us in the house have at one time or a hundred played cars with him or other things. I love this wonderful stage. I enjoy seeing things come to life in his mind. I try to encourage this play. He recently found one of Hannah's old Barbie's, now while it may not be cool for a boy to carry around a doll. We as parents have listened to the experts that say boys who are allowed or encouraged to play with dolls/stuffed animals develop better language skills. I think it also promotes caring and nurturing. As he cleans his "baby", tells her she is stinky and then gets a wipe and cleans her. He has her ride on the cars and sometimes even run over by the cars.

I just don't know where this label of boys with trucks and girls with dolls came from. I think it is outdated. Now I am not saying I want Elijah to run around in a dress or anything. But having been a fire fighter, EMT, and a Deputy. I guess you could say I don't believe in the stereo types. I had one guy who challenged me often when I joined the fire department and 9 times out of 10 I could out lift, run etc. against him. I thank my high school basketball coach for that. Man was he a drill instructor. But I was in good shape and had muscles. :-) Those friends from High School can think back at how much we cursed Coach Cregor at the time. But all that hard work did pay off.

Granted now I couldn't do half of what I did then. I still have some strength and got a chance to prove so when Ron and I moved and it was a wench, Him and myself loading his fully loaded tool box from hedoublehockeysticks.

My point is why? Why can we all not be free to just be who we are and do what we love. Isn't that what America is about? Freedom? This maybe freedom on the most basic level. And probably not what our Founding Fathers was thinking of. But it is still a freedom none the less.

So what do you think. Do you let your boys play with dolls? Or your girls play with trucks? Do you encourage it? Or just let them if they ask?

Hannah Part 2

Part 2. It seems there is so much more I want to say. But the words are not there right now. Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Although being right is nice, you won’t always be. Try to be strong enough to admit when you are wrong and don’t gloat when you are right.

At some point in your life you will question your belief in God and in humanity. This is ok and this is normal. You will find that you wonder what is real and what you have just followed because you were told that is right. At this point I encourage you to find answers. Do research. Talk to others. Reflect. If you kept your prayer journals go back and see where you prayed for things and how God answered them. I know it sounds crazy when you are questioning God, but pray……..ask for answers. Talk to your friends, family and pastor. Everyone has stumbled at some point and if they tell you they haven’t they are lying and you need to reevaluate your relationship with them.

While we are in the mindset of God. Let’s talk about judging and loving others. Remember that everyone is a child of God and deserves love. You do not have to believe what they believe, you don’t have to think what they do is right. But remember that we have all sinned and fallen short. Homosexuals, murders, the teen mom, the drug addict. I am not saying you have to break bread with them. But don’t judge them instead say a prayer for them.

Let’s just continue on and talk about sin for a minute. We ALL do it. You are going to be tempted! I personally have never done illegal drugs, so I can’t offer you much advice. I know for some people that pull to use is strong. I can tell you that you can live a happy life without them. I have and do have an occasional drink of alcohol. You will have your own conviction about this, but I believe as long as you do this in moderation and don’t get silly drunk you are ok. There is a reason however for an age limit. Your young body is not equipped to deal with these things. But know that if you ever do find you have tried some and now are scared. Please don’t drive. Call me, I will come get you. I will not scream, I will not be mad. I may be disappointed and we will talk the next day about the choice you made. But I would rather have a moment of a broken heart then to loose you forever.

Moving right along to S.E.X. Yes we have talked about this several times. I know the temptation. I fell for it. It changes you and your heart. You really do loose a part of yourself. Sex in and of its self feels good that is the reason you do it. But it has many consequences. There are the physical ones like pregnancy and STD’s. But the emotional ones hurt deeper and take so long to heal. You see you give away part of yourself. There is no greater gift you can give your future spouse then your pure body. It creates a bond, physically and emotionally. Sex is one of the ways you will connect with your Husband that you can’t with anyone else and he with you. It is a true expression of love and trust. But also know that there are times when sex will not be so important. When one of you is sick or hurting. When life gets in the way. Build a solid relationship first and when these times come you will recover. You will still have the closeness. It is something special to have someone to share a smile, a special look and the inside joke that no one else gets.

Now if you do happen to have sex before you are married and you do get pregnant it is not the end of the world. If you are under 18 *God forbid* I will not scream and holler. I will not disown you. I will cry with you. I will pray with you. I will tell you that you are not going to kill it. I will tell you that you are going to finish your education. And I will tell you that God still loves you. That this sin can also be forgiven!

And moving right along now……

Fight Fair, don’t bring up things from the past.

Forgive, You do not have to forget the hurt or the wrong someone did. But if you hold the hate and pain in your heart you are only allowing them to control you.

Remember to sing and dance. Even if its only in the shower and car. If you only dance at home in your bathrobe.

Enjoy life, baby you only get one.

Love often. Yes it means you may get hurt more. But it really does fulfill your life. I don’t mean a lot of men. I mean friends and family.

Try your hardest to eat right and exercise. I know this probably makes me sound like a hypocrite. But I am living the down side of that hill. And it is really hard to change direction when your rolling down hill. I hope you don’t have the hurt and pain that I feel all the time. I hope you don’t have regret at what you can’t do or what you are missing out on because you are too big or out of shape. But don’t deprive yourself either. Every now and again enjoy that piece of cake you love so much or that bowl of ice cream.

One day you may or may not have kids of your own. If you do you will know that the heart really does grow. With each child you will somehow love them the same as the other’s. You will feel new pride and joy. You will also feel new pain and hurt. Because when they feel pain and hurt you will to. You will be scared in ways you never knew. But you will be amazed in even greater ways. Motherhood is the hardest job I know, but it is by far the most rewarding. Try to give each child some one on one time. Let them know they are each special. Show them God through you. But remember to put God first, then your Husband, then your kids because without your husband there would be no kids.

There is so much more that I am sure I want to tell you or wish for you. But if nothing else in this letter means anything please remember this. I love you, you are a child of God and you are special !!

To Hannah Part 1

**Disclaimer: This was getting long so I am going to break it into parts. Here is Part 1**

I have been pondering life and death lately. I am not sure why this is. But I think every parent has the fear at some point of leaving their kids too soon.

I think of all the things I would want my children to know if I couldn’t tell them.

And then it hit me, why wait? Why not make a list or a letter of sorts to them now. Let them know how much I love them and what I hope for them in life.

I will start with Hannah since she is old enough to read. I invite you to see my heart put into words for my daughter.

My precious baby girl. It is true I got pregnant way too young with you. But I would not give you up for anything. You have made me a better person. I am so proud of the young woman you are and of the lady you are becoming.

Let’s start with the 36 hour labor, it just proved to me that the really good things in life are worth waiting for and take some hard work, sweat and sometimes tears to get the pay off. And oh were you a payoff. Your beautiful face, the barely there peach fuzz hair. Up until you were 2 I did not know if I would ever be able to put a bow in your hair. Now look at all of the thick curls of hair on your head. *see waiting paying off again*

I tried so hard when you were little to keep you clean. HA! As you have seen with your little brother that is a waste of time. I only wish I wouldn’t have wasted as much time worrying about dirt and spent more time playing in the dirt with you. I did not realize at the time how quickly you wouldn’t want to play in the dirt with Mom anymore.

I am sorry thing’s didn’t work you between your Dad and me. I hope you know that we both love you very much and never wanted you to be from a “broken home”. I know that the journey with us has not been fun at times and I know you have seen us fight and argue. For that my heart breaks, you as a child should never have had to bear witness to that. Please remember that I am human and I was still so young and did not realize the extra hurt it would cause you. I know that going between two homes has been hard on you at times. I just hope that your heart is so full of love from two homes not just one. I know that your step-dad loves you with all his heart and you will always be his little girl as though you were his blood. Although I do not know your step-mom well I would like to think the same can be said for her.

You my daughter are easy to love. Everyone who meets you falls in love with you. You have the soul of an elder and the heart of God. I pray that your heart stays true and you keep your eyes on the Lord.

As you go through your teen years and into college you will have many trials and tribulations. Here is a little insight from my walk on this journey……..

Don’t let others tell you how you should dress. Just be comfortable and confident in what you wear. Also remember that under garments are meant to be worn “under” clothes not shown to others. It is not fair to judge a book by its cover, but many do. So pay attention to what your cover says about you.

Girls can be mean!!! You may be hurt more by girls then by boys. Sometimes it is their own insecurities that make them that way. Don’t let them get you down, keep your chin up and keep moving.

Speaking of boys, whew this thought still scares me. Remember when you are dating that you are looking for the person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with. I don’t mean that you will find him on the first date, but this is not to be just another number in your phone. I pray for your future husband, and you should to. Pray that God leads you to who it is he made for you.

I also pray that this young man be a Christian. I pray that you have someone to love you and love the Lord. If he loves the Lord first he will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I pray that you find someone that “gets you”, One that laughs at your jokes and makes you laugh with his. One that realizes that although the house may be a woman’s domain, it doesn’t mean that he should not be your helpmate. On that note my dear daughter, just because he doesn’t do something just the way you would do it. Be thankful that he helped and let him know. Men need to be told they are doing a good job. I hope you find one that does all the special things for you. That doesn’t mean you need flowers every week. But maybe he washes the dishes without you asking, or rubs your back. I hope he sees your needs and does the best he can to ease your burdens.

Remember that you can be anything you want to be (ok no you can’t be a dinosaur, except to dress like Barney). If you decided to pursue a career before you get married more power to you. If you get married while your working on it, that is fine too. If you choose to never get married well then that will be ok too. Whatever it is you do, even if it is waiting tables, just give it your best. Keep a good attitude and a smile on your face and even the hardest jobs can be rewarding. On the subject of waiting tables, remember that “service” workers are people too. Always treat them with respect and honor. You are not better then them. If someone does a great job tell them. Everyone likes to know when they do good. Always tip well if your service is good. And just because your food may not be right, it probably wasn’t the waiters fault. Remember it got made in the kitchen.

Even though this is easier said then done. Speak up for yourself. If you feel you are not being treated well then say so. You alone teach people how to treat you! Learn how to say NO to people. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. But in return try to help as many people as you can. Take a meal to a friend who needs it. Buy an extra soda for someone. Let the little old lady in line in front of you. Let me tell you some of the most meaningful things have been a quick text or call from a friend to let me know they are thinking and praying for me.

Pray for your friends, husband, kids, family etc. We all need prayer and God grants you a special bond when you are praying for them and them for you.

To be continued.......