Summer always seems to be a busy time for us. With Hannah having divorced parent's her time is split up during the summer. It's the time that she gets a big chunk of time with her dad. You all know about her trip this year and that threw off our normal schedule. I have had to sit down with a calendar and plan with her how the rest of the summer would go. She wanted to spend time with my folks, time with her dad of course and with school starting at the first part of August that didn't leave much time left. She will not be doing much with her friends or youth group this year. And it makes me wonder if this is a sign of things to come? Maybe this is what it will be like when she goes to college which is just a few years away (OMG).
With both kids at my folks house this week and next, Ron and I have enjoyed the chance to get to relax and reconnect. Sure we miss the kids. We talk with them on the phone and they are doing great. They have fun with Papa and Grandma. They are spoiled rotten up there, as are all the grandchildren. Which is how it should be.
On the health front we are trying new meds. We increased the dose of one, decreased the dose of another and added two new ones to the mix. One of the new ones is for the bad headaches I have been having so it's not an everyday pill. The other is Cymbalta. I tried taking it in the morning and found that I am really groggy during the day. So I switched it to night. That seems to help some. But I have this feeling of nausea most the day. I don't have much of an appetite. Which should aid in the weight loss I suppose. It has not been a full week yet and I want to give it a chance. My overall pain has decreased which is great. I still have a lot of stiffness in the morning which is to be expected. I know I am sleeping harder, Ron says he touches me at night and I don't budge. I really like this new doctor. He sits down and actually listens to me. He asked me great and intelligent questions about how I was feeling. It is really a great feeling to not be dismissed or told you need to loose weight and everything will be better. I know I need to loose weight, I have been trying. But when you try and then have to go on steroids it knocks you back a step or two. You loose faith, you want to give up. I was so proud as was the doctor that I lost 3 more lbs this last month. It took me years to get as big as I am now. It will probably take me years to get it off. Yes I wish there was a magic pill that would melt it all away, but there is not.
I am thanking God today for my life, my family and my friends. For the support that so many have given me. For the people who brought us meals when I was too sick to cook. For the friends that sent text messages or emails just checking. The ones who gave Hannah a ride. So many people have touched our lives. I only pray that I can be that kind of blessings to others. I have had some pretty dark times of late. But I see a glimmer of light. I see a piece of me coming back when I am able to laugh and joke with my husband. When I am able to be the tickle monster to my 3 year old. When my teenager is able to be in her room doing things teenagers do instead of cooking dinner for her too sick mother. I thank God for the doctors and the medicine that is getting me to those places. I know the journey is far from over. I know that I was so down and in despair that it won't happen over night. But with many hands reaching out for me, I feel like I can climb up and back into life.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tomorrow
Oh good Lord in Heaven, tomorrow is the day I take my baby girl to the airport and put her on that jet plane.
(sing along with me now, leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again) Ok thats enough of that.
I am very excited for her. I have been fairly calm in the planning and discussing of this trip. But as the actually trip is nigh.........mommies nerves are shot. I am emotional and trying to hold it together.
Yes I know this is the trip of a lifetime. I know she will have a blast. And rationally I know that statistically speaking she will be safe and come back home in one piece. But a mother always worries err maybe I should put a parent. I asked my Dad one time when it got easier as I was worried about one of our older boys, he laughed and said well I still worry about you so I will have to get back to you on that one.
I know it is useless to worry and doesn't change a thing. It is something that I struggle turning over to God. Someone once said that being in a constant state of worry is like telling God he can't handle it or basically a lack of faith. I am learning how to turn it over, but I don't think I am alone in this battle.
I think it is ingrained in us somehow once you have kids to just worry. It start's sometimes before you are even a parent for some. Will we ever get pregnant? Why did that miscarriage happen? What did I do wrong? Will this baby make it to term? Will there be any problems during labor? Wills and Whats rule a persons thinking. Lets not even get into the list when they start crawling and walking. Then making friends and here comes driving and .......AUGH!! I mean seriously how can someone not worry?
My parents always made me feel special and that I could do anything I set my mind to. I hope by giving Hannah opportunities like this it makes her feel a little of that. I hope I am hitting the mark with her, well with all our kids. Making them feel special and that they can do anything.
Ok so back to Hannah's trip, please say a prayer for her. This is her first time flying and being out of country without being with family. I have faith in who she is going with and I have faith in her. Like someone (name not used for protection) said on Sunday, the plane will always come down, it's just how fast. Yes he was punched in the arm by his wife. :-)
I will put on a happy face at the airport tomorrow, I may cry after she is through security. But I hope she has a blast and takes lots of pictures. My how fast they grow up.
(sing along with me now, leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again) Ok thats enough of that.
I am very excited for her. I have been fairly calm in the planning and discussing of this trip. But as the actually trip is nigh.........mommies nerves are shot. I am emotional and trying to hold it together.
Yes I know this is the trip of a lifetime. I know she will have a blast. And rationally I know that statistically speaking she will be safe and come back home in one piece. But a mother always worries err maybe I should put a parent. I asked my Dad one time when it got easier as I was worried about one of our older boys, he laughed and said well I still worry about you so I will have to get back to you on that one.
I know it is useless to worry and doesn't change a thing. It is something that I struggle turning over to God. Someone once said that being in a constant state of worry is like telling God he can't handle it or basically a lack of faith. I am learning how to turn it over, but I don't think I am alone in this battle.
I think it is ingrained in us somehow once you have kids to just worry. It start's sometimes before you are even a parent for some. Will we ever get pregnant? Why did that miscarriage happen? What did I do wrong? Will this baby make it to term? Will there be any problems during labor? Wills and Whats rule a persons thinking. Lets not even get into the list when they start crawling and walking. Then making friends and here comes driving and .......AUGH!! I mean seriously how can someone not worry?
My parents always made me feel special and that I could do anything I set my mind to. I hope by giving Hannah opportunities like this it makes her feel a little of that. I hope I am hitting the mark with her, well with all our kids. Making them feel special and that they can do anything.
Ok so back to Hannah's trip, please say a prayer for her. This is her first time flying and being out of country without being with family. I have faith in who she is going with and I have faith in her. Like someone (name not used for protection) said on Sunday, the plane will always come down, it's just how fast. Yes he was punched in the arm by his wife. :-)
I will put on a happy face at the airport tomorrow, I may cry after she is through security. But I hope she has a blast and takes lots of pictures. My how fast they grow up.
Friday, June 3, 2011
New friend this summer
After our amazing, wonderful, glorious (ok you get the idea) Memorial day trip camping. I found I really love spray on sunscreen. Gone are the days of getting your hands all goopy (yes official term) after applying it to 4 people. Just spray, rotate, spray some more then move on to the next person. Or better yet sit in your lawn chair and let them come to you. I prefer the later. My only complaint is that you go through a bottle really fast applying it to 4 people a few times a day. And you do still have to get a little on your fingers to put it on the face. Spraying directly to the face is not recommended. But overall I love this. It doesn't matter what brand, we used off brand and a popular name product both seemed to cover well.
As long as you make sure to spray everywhere as Ron so bravely models here. That is the one down side it is not as easy to see that you got it everywhere when you are outside with the sun glaring on you. The pictures is a little hard to see, but it was taking with my phone, he has a few swirlish burnt marks on his belly and his shoulders got burnt pretty good too.
I did learn something else, some company makes sunscreen in a stick. I saw one that looked like a chap-stick and one that looked like a small deodorant stick. I am going to look into these closer, then I would get no sun screen on my hands at all !!
I am still in search of a big floppy hat that will fit my big ole head that doesn't cost a fortune. Yes I know it will probably last me many of summers so a pricer one may be my way to go for quality, but man I have a hard time paying that much money for something I only where on occasion. If my head were smaller I could go to several local stores and pick one up. But no that is not what God had in mind when he gave me this large melon, guess I needed more space for all the brain he gave me. Stop laughing that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
Hannah leaves for Costa Rica next week, this is both exciting and terrifying. I know she will have so much fun, but it is still hard for mama. We had a last minute scare that she may have to get some shots, but that turned out to be for a different country. She was very relieved at that fact.
She finally got her permit and Ron bravely let her drive afterwards. To say he was a little flustered after the fact is an understatement. Like I told him, she has never driven a car before, give her a break. So last night I took her to the church parking lot and let her get comfortable with being behind the wheel. It also helped some that she was in the Taurus not the big truck. She did improve while we were there and like I told her she has lots of time to learn. And she will take drivers ed in the fall. I just don't want her to go into that class scared to get behind the wheel.
After looking at her summer schedule last night, I am not gonna see much of her this summer. Between being out of country and being out of state visiting my folks and her dad, she has a full schedule.
Elijah got moved up to the "big kid class" at school. He had his first field trip to the park yesterday. He absolutely loved it. We were told all about it several times last night. I think he is going to like being in the 3yr old class. He already doesn't hold onto me when I drop him off, he is running off to play with friends.
One thing we are learning about this little man is he LOVES the water! Doesn't matter if it is in the tub or the Gulf of Mexico. If he can splash, swim or just get a little wet he is all about it. He started putting his face and head under water this last pool trip so he could blow bubbles like sissy. He is growing up so fast and is amazing me daily. My favorite thing right now is for him to tell me his full name. I love how he says Haley, kind of haywee.
The new medicine seems to be helping me a bit. I am sleeping a little better and that has taken away some of the pain. I am still really stiff in the morning and have pain through the day, but it is not near as bad as it once was. I feel like I can live life again. I thank God that he lead me to a doctor that will listen and help me.
My family is thankful too cause ya know when Mama ain't happy................
As long as you make sure to spray everywhere as Ron so bravely models here. That is the one down side it is not as easy to see that you got it everywhere when you are outside with the sun glaring on you. The pictures is a little hard to see, but it was taking with my phone, he has a few swirlish burnt marks on his belly and his shoulders got burnt pretty good too.
I did learn something else, some company makes sunscreen in a stick. I saw one that looked like a chap-stick and one that looked like a small deodorant stick. I am going to look into these closer, then I would get no sun screen on my hands at all !!
I am still in search of a big floppy hat that will fit my big ole head that doesn't cost a fortune. Yes I know it will probably last me many of summers so a pricer one may be my way to go for quality, but man I have a hard time paying that much money for something I only where on occasion. If my head were smaller I could go to several local stores and pick one up. But no that is not what God had in mind when he gave me this large melon, guess I needed more space for all the brain he gave me. Stop laughing that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
Hannah leaves for Costa Rica next week, this is both exciting and terrifying. I know she will have so much fun, but it is still hard for mama. We had a last minute scare that she may have to get some shots, but that turned out to be for a different country. She was very relieved at that fact.
She finally got her permit and Ron bravely let her drive afterwards. To say he was a little flustered after the fact is an understatement. Like I told him, she has never driven a car before, give her a break. So last night I took her to the church parking lot and let her get comfortable with being behind the wheel. It also helped some that she was in the Taurus not the big truck. She did improve while we were there and like I told her she has lots of time to learn. And she will take drivers ed in the fall. I just don't want her to go into that class scared to get behind the wheel.
After looking at her summer schedule last night, I am not gonna see much of her this summer. Between being out of country and being out of state visiting my folks and her dad, she has a full schedule.
Elijah got moved up to the "big kid class" at school. He had his first field trip to the park yesterday. He absolutely loved it. We were told all about it several times last night. I think he is going to like being in the 3yr old class. He already doesn't hold onto me when I drop him off, he is running off to play with friends.
One thing we are learning about this little man is he LOVES the water! Doesn't matter if it is in the tub or the Gulf of Mexico. If he can splash, swim or just get a little wet he is all about it. He started putting his face and head under water this last pool trip so he could blow bubbles like sissy. He is growing up so fast and is amazing me daily. My favorite thing right now is for him to tell me his full name. I love how he says Haley, kind of haywee.
The new medicine seems to be helping me a bit. I am sleeping a little better and that has taken away some of the pain. I am still really stiff in the morning and have pain through the day, but it is not near as bad as it once was. I feel like I can live life again. I thank God that he lead me to a doctor that will listen and help me.
My family is thankful too cause ya know when Mama ain't happy................
Friday, May 20, 2011
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you ever catch yourself looking deep into your own eyes? They say the eyes are the portal to the soul. What do you see when you look? Or do you just stay away from looking that deep into yourself?
This thought has been on my mind lately. As most of you know I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia this week. Myself and those around me have known for a while really that there was more going on with me then just my Lupus. But when the doctor blows you off, you start to loose faith. When the people you love treat you like your making it up and it's all in your head. You loose any hope you had.
That is where I have been the last few months. I spoke of it before. A kind of blah. I was living my life, but I wasn't enjoying my life. Every time I looked in the mirror I began to see this change in me. I was starting to see pain, brokenness, fear. And then I started to wonder if I should be seeing clinically insane? Because really can someone truly be in pain all over like this for so long with no real explanation?
Well on Wednesday I found out that the answer to that question is YES!! I am not a freak, hypochondriac, or just making this stuff up.
I know it is hard for other people to understand. I know it would be so much easier if I was wearing a full body cast for people to see that it hurts from head to toe. But I don't have that option. I just have my words.
At the doctors office I was crying as he was telling me things, I bet you have this, or I bet you feel this. As I said yes to each of these things it was like being at a carnival where they guess your age or name and you kinda get freaked out. He was telling me stuff that I kept hid. Stuff I can't say to people. Things that would hurt those I love and love me back.
It was later that night that when I looked in the mirror that I still saw the broken me, but I caught a glimpse of something else, hope maybe? What ever it was I wish it great luck and becoming the first thing I see when I look. I want it to win, I want to see the happy and loving person I know I am. Not the one in constant pain and bitterness. Not the one who feels as if I am on the verge of a psychotic break down. Who just wants to crawl in a hole and stay a while.
This thought has been on my mind lately. As most of you know I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia this week. Myself and those around me have known for a while really that there was more going on with me then just my Lupus. But when the doctor blows you off, you start to loose faith. When the people you love treat you like your making it up and it's all in your head. You loose any hope you had.
That is where I have been the last few months. I spoke of it before. A kind of blah. I was living my life, but I wasn't enjoying my life. Every time I looked in the mirror I began to see this change in me. I was starting to see pain, brokenness, fear. And then I started to wonder if I should be seeing clinically insane? Because really can someone truly be in pain all over like this for so long with no real explanation?
Well on Wednesday I found out that the answer to that question is YES!! I am not a freak, hypochondriac, or just making this stuff up.
I know it is hard for other people to understand. I know it would be so much easier if I was wearing a full body cast for people to see that it hurts from head to toe. But I don't have that option. I just have my words.
At the doctors office I was crying as he was telling me things, I bet you have this, or I bet you feel this. As I said yes to each of these things it was like being at a carnival where they guess your age or name and you kinda get freaked out. He was telling me stuff that I kept hid. Stuff I can't say to people. Things that would hurt those I love and love me back.
It was later that night that when I looked in the mirror that I still saw the broken me, but I caught a glimpse of something else, hope maybe? What ever it was I wish it great luck and becoming the first thing I see when I look. I want it to win, I want to see the happy and loving person I know I am. Not the one in constant pain and bitterness. Not the one who feels as if I am on the verge of a psychotic break down. Who just wants to crawl in a hole and stay a while.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Been a day or so
A big sorry to my friends and family. It seems my blog slipped to the wayside for a bit.
Life has a way of taking over sometimes. And even though your intentions are good and grand, it doesn't mean you can accomplish everything you set out to do.
The last few weeks have been exciting, heart warming, heart melting and just over all busy.
In our previous blog post we were preparing for Elijah's party. Wow I turned into a big blogging slacker huh?
Let's try to catch up shall we?
On April 29th, we had the final Arrow Meltdown. I did not run the race because of all the health issues that were going on. But I did show up and cheer the others on. They all did so great!! Surprisingly enough I was not last on the weight loss list. At that time. I had lost a total of 20lbs since I started watching everything and my cholesterol went down 21 points. I have lost 1 more pound since. I am not unhappy with the results. It gave me a starting point. And when I go see the new doctor next week I am going to talk to him about adjusting or changing my every day meds to hopefully allow me to start exercising again.
Elijah's party was a great success, thank you to all that came. To those that didn't we missed you. I am so glad we had it at the church. There was no big mess to clean up and I didn't have to try to clean my house like a mad woman before. WIN WIN!!
Hannah had a birthday also during these 2 weeks. She has some more studying to do for her permit and that is all I am gonna say about that. We had some quality time together, we laughed and talked about all kinds of stuff. It was so nice. I really love the young woman she is becoming. She is so ready for school to be done. I don't blame her. I am not too old to remember those last few weeks of school drug on forever! She is excited about her trip, she leaves 26 days from today. We are getting lists of things she needs to pack and even getting some stuff packed together. I am so happy for her to go on this trip. I have my mommy worries, but what an opportunity for her.
I have no profound words of wisdom today. Truth be told I am super d duper tired today and am having a slight concentration problem. I just didn't want everyone to think I had given up on blogging.
Life has a way of taking over sometimes. And even though your intentions are good and grand, it doesn't mean you can accomplish everything you set out to do.
The last few weeks have been exciting, heart warming, heart melting and just over all busy.
In our previous blog post we were preparing for Elijah's party. Wow I turned into a big blogging slacker huh?
Let's try to catch up shall we?
On April 29th, we had the final Arrow Meltdown. I did not run the race because of all the health issues that were going on. But I did show up and cheer the others on. They all did so great!! Surprisingly enough I was not last on the weight loss list. At that time. I had lost a total of 20lbs since I started watching everything and my cholesterol went down 21 points. I have lost 1 more pound since. I am not unhappy with the results. It gave me a starting point. And when I go see the new doctor next week I am going to talk to him about adjusting or changing my every day meds to hopefully allow me to start exercising again.
Elijah's party was a great success, thank you to all that came. To those that didn't we missed you. I am so glad we had it at the church. There was no big mess to clean up and I didn't have to try to clean my house like a mad woman before. WIN WIN!!
Hannah had a birthday also during these 2 weeks. She has some more studying to do for her permit and that is all I am gonna say about that. We had some quality time together, we laughed and talked about all kinds of stuff. It was so nice. I really love the young woman she is becoming. She is so ready for school to be done. I don't blame her. I am not too old to remember those last few weeks of school drug on forever! She is excited about her trip, she leaves 26 days from today. We are getting lists of things she needs to pack and even getting some stuff packed together. I am so happy for her to go on this trip. I have my mommy worries, but what an opportunity for her.
I have no profound words of wisdom today. Truth be told I am super d duper tired today and am having a slight concentration problem. I just didn't want everyone to think I had given up on blogging.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Love, life and storms?
Read this article. It is about some of the storms that hit the Mississippi area.
http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20110427/NEWS/110427004/Deadly-storms-pose-more-dangers-Mississippi?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|Home
Ok now that you are done with that. There is a couple things that stuck out to me and broke my heart. The first was the 3rd old that got killed in their bed when a tree fell on the room they were sleeping in. The second was about the father who saved his daughter by laying on top of her and got hit on the head with a tree and died.
Many people have said as long as it's not a tornado then you really don't have to worry. OH REALLY NOW?
I woke up with the storms last night and prayed, got done, and prayed some more. I usually really don't want my baby who is on the eve of 3 (AUGH) sleeping between me and daddy. It makes it hard for the adults to sleep. But if something (God forbid) was to happen, my hope is that our big bodies will protect his little one. Yes I worry about my big baby too (no not Ron). But she is not going to sleep with us. I do realize that if God is calling one of us home, it doesn't matter how much I pray for safety, what will be will be. But somehow praying makes me feel better.
I am wore out, exhausted today. I woke up when the storms came through and stayed awake the rest of the time. With maybe a cat nap in there, but couldn't stay asleep because without power I couldn't wear my machine. And so I had a few minutes to think, and this is where my mind went, come along will you?
Why does it take things like this to make me slow down and take inventory? I know I am blessed, but never realize just how much until you think it might be gone.
The weather is scary all over the US. Too many of us Americans have been hit by storms, big scary storms. Many have died. Still more homes and possessions are going to be destroyed due to water and more storms to come. I don't advocate living your life in fear of what may be or come. But you do need to live your life, enjoy each day. I hold on to this verse when I am trying to make it through.
On a side note. The prednisone seems to be working, at least to the point that I can move and not cry each time. The storms and change in pressure have still kept things flared up, but not near as bad. The headache may be a combination of all things combined. But I am extremely grateful to have the symptoms I have today then the ones I had a week ago. Thanks for sticking with me through all the complaining about not feeling good. I really try to keep it minimized. This has been the sickest for the longest I have ever been. Hugs go to you all.
http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20110427/NEWS/110427004/Deadly-storms-pose-more-dangers-Mississippi?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|Home
Ok now that you are done with that. There is a couple things that stuck out to me and broke my heart. The first was the 3rd old that got killed in their bed when a tree fell on the room they were sleeping in. The second was about the father who saved his daughter by laying on top of her and got hit on the head with a tree and died.
Many people have said as long as it's not a tornado then you really don't have to worry. OH REALLY NOW?
I woke up with the storms last night and prayed, got done, and prayed some more. I usually really don't want my baby who is on the eve of 3 (AUGH) sleeping between me and daddy. It makes it hard for the adults to sleep. But if something (God forbid) was to happen, my hope is that our big bodies will protect his little one. Yes I worry about my big baby too (no not Ron). But she is not going to sleep with us. I do realize that if God is calling one of us home, it doesn't matter how much I pray for safety, what will be will be. But somehow praying makes me feel better.
I am wore out, exhausted today. I woke up when the storms came through and stayed awake the rest of the time. With maybe a cat nap in there, but couldn't stay asleep because without power I couldn't wear my machine. And so I had a few minutes to think, and this is where my mind went, come along will you?
Why does it take things like this to make me slow down and take inventory? I know I am blessed, but never realize just how much until you think it might be gone.
The weather is scary all over the US. Too many of us Americans have been hit by storms, big scary storms. Many have died. Still more homes and possessions are going to be destroyed due to water and more storms to come. I don't advocate living your life in fear of what may be or come. But you do need to live your life, enjoy each day. I hold on to this verse when I am trying to make it through.
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version, ©2011)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I get stuck in the rut of trying to plan my own life and not what the Lord has planed for my life. I guess that is what the storms and tragedy have stirred in my heart. To stop and listen. Enjoy, love and live!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
20lbs and counting
I stepped on the scale and was overcome with joy. I finally hit that 20lb mark!! The program may be over but I am still trying to work it. I know you have all seen my struggles through my Facebook posts these last few weeks. So I won't rehash everything on here. What I will say on here is this is the worst I have ever felt. It started back about spring break. And although I have had a few days that were not as bad as others it has been a struggle.
I need to find a new specialist, one that will listen to me and tell me that my drugs should be working even if they are not. I miss my doctor in IL terribly. Maybe that is one reason why I haven't been this bad in a very long time. That doctor listened when symptoms first came on and treated me quickly so I never suffered for long amounts of time. I am not out shopping for narcotics. I just want to feel like I am functioning. I am in a dark place right now because of the pain. I know in my head not to be. But that is easier said then done. I am trying not to isolate myself. I do feel blessed to have a great set of friends who pray, support and worry about me. I know I can call my Dad at anytime and get an ear to listen, if so needed kind and wise advice to go with it. I am lucky that I have Hannah who helps me so much around the house. I know all these things I do. I also know in my heart of hearts that if it wasn't for my kids I probably would have given up a few days ago. I am not talking about killing myself, but more laying in bed crying and self loathing. It hurts too bad to do anything but lay there. Even the movement of changing positions hurts. I know not everyone can understand or comprehend that point. If you haven't lived it, one really can't just explain it to you. I know people get tired of hearing that I don't feel good. I try not to put it out there as much as I feel it. I am glad that I found a support group online of people who understand and make me feel like I am not loosing my mind.
I try to remind myself when I am feeling down and out of this passage.....
Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding, think about
him in all your ways, and he will guide you on the right paths.
The fact that I am not in control and I am not supposed to know why or the outcome. Ever wonder why pain and depression run hand in hand? Why is depression such a stigma still? Why is it just when I drop those 20lbs I get put on one of the biggest doses of prednisone I have ever been on? Those are some of the things rolling around in my head as I write this.
On a brighter note we are headed to Missouri to see my family for the Easter holiday and for my folks to have birthday celebrations with both of the kids. We are going to have dinner Saturday night with some amazing and important people in my life. Then next week my baby turns 3 OMG 3 for reals people!! Then two weeks after that my other baby turns 15, lets not have that break down yet.
If you are around Clinton and wanna come to Elijah's birthday party just holler at me and I will give you the 411, the more the merrier.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and remember that Jesus dying on the cross and rising 3 days later was not about eggs and bunnies. It was about Him dying to take away my sin, your sin. I won't go into all of the back story of my life right now. But I will say that after being hurt by a group of "Christians" who thought my sins were way worse then their sins. That sin is sin. We are all forgiven and cleansed by the Lamb who died on Calvary.
I need to find a new specialist, one that will listen to me and tell me that my drugs should be working even if they are not. I miss my doctor in IL terribly. Maybe that is one reason why I haven't been this bad in a very long time. That doctor listened when symptoms first came on and treated me quickly so I never suffered for long amounts of time. I am not out shopping for narcotics. I just want to feel like I am functioning. I am in a dark place right now because of the pain. I know in my head not to be. But that is easier said then done. I am trying not to isolate myself. I do feel blessed to have a great set of friends who pray, support and worry about me. I know I can call my Dad at anytime and get an ear to listen, if so needed kind and wise advice to go with it. I am lucky that I have Hannah who helps me so much around the house. I know all these things I do. I also know in my heart of hearts that if it wasn't for my kids I probably would have given up a few days ago. I am not talking about killing myself, but more laying in bed crying and self loathing. It hurts too bad to do anything but lay there. Even the movement of changing positions hurts. I know not everyone can understand or comprehend that point. If you haven't lived it, one really can't just explain it to you. I know people get tired of hearing that I don't feel good. I try not to put it out there as much as I feel it. I am glad that I found a support group online of people who understand and make me feel like I am not loosing my mind.
I try to remind myself when I am feeling down and out of this passage.....
Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding, think about
him in all your ways, and he will guide you on the right paths.
The fact that I am not in control and I am not supposed to know why or the outcome. Ever wonder why pain and depression run hand in hand? Why is depression such a stigma still? Why is it just when I drop those 20lbs I get put on one of the biggest doses of prednisone I have ever been on? Those are some of the things rolling around in my head as I write this.
On a brighter note we are headed to Missouri to see my family for the Easter holiday and for my folks to have birthday celebrations with both of the kids. We are going to have dinner Saturday night with some amazing and important people in my life. Then next week my baby turns 3 OMG 3 for reals people!! Then two weeks after that my other baby turns 15, lets not have that break down yet.
If you are around Clinton and wanna come to Elijah's birthday party just holler at me and I will give you the 411, the more the merrier.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and remember that Jesus dying on the cross and rising 3 days later was not about eggs and bunnies. It was about Him dying to take away my sin, your sin. I won't go into all of the back story of my life right now. But I will say that after being hurt by a group of "Christians" who thought my sins were way worse then their sins. That sin is sin. We are all forgiven and cleansed by the Lamb who died on Calvary.
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