Lost but now I'm found

It has been way too long since I wrote a blog post. I kinda gave up on it when I stopped working, but within the past two days I have been really been thinking about it and then a friend kicked me out of the nest and here we are.

So much has changed in the last few months- year. I know some of you know what has been going on but I am going to hit on the high points or low points as it may be.

Here is my family's Christmas letter so to say.

Hannah moved to Missouri to live with my folks and go to school up there. She did good her first semester and is excited to start taking classes that are toward a career path and not just college requirements. I miss that girl so much. Even though she lived on campus last year I was still able to see her and have her come visit on some of the weekends. I am so proud of her for helping my folks out though. My dad loves that she is a good cook too, his doctor may not though. ;-)

Elijah is homeschooling this year. It has been good for both of us. Although since Thanksgiving we have been really touch and go. But I am not worried about it. As long as we get the work done in the long run that's all I care about. He has a couple kids here in the neighborhood and our homeschool group that he still gets to play with, but he is not getting bullied any more so he is so much happier for play time.
He had some confusing feelings a few months back and was showing signs of depression. Thanks to the help of others we were able to get him into see a therapist. And he is doing great. He is doing so much better at talking things out instead of being quick to anger. A parent doesn't know pain until you can't help your child. Mentally or physically we all want to make their pain go away.

Ron is still out of work. Although he has applied for hundreds of jobs. He was starting to make a go of our own business, hauling campers and things until the transmission went out on our truck. Sadly we only had it a few months but since we bought it used there was no warranty.

Guess that leaves me. I have had to swallow my pride several times in the last few months and ask  for help. Most of it was for Elijah or the benefit of him. For him I will gladly fall on my sword.
I posted on Facebook that I am starting to realize that when you feel like your world is crumbling, maybe it's just God taking the pieces you put in the wrong spot and building you stronger.
I haven't been able to see one of my doctor's due to an insurance change and the one Dr in our area that will take that insurance and new patients can't see me until February. I am struggling with out some of the meds. I fight the depression, the dark thoughts, the few hours of sleep or wanting to sleep all the time. Headaches that just won't go away and irritability mixed with messed up emotions. Not sure if I want to scream or cry, or cry because I screamed.
Yes I am praying and trying to lean more on God than me. I had someone tell me you can't be depressed if you are really living right with God. Well I disagree! I know what I have going on with me is chemical imbalances and I thank God for his creations that discovered the medication to help. I don't understand why we still have such a stigma around mental illnesses. I am not ashamed to be who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn't make mistakes!! I am not broken, although my body and spirit sometimes feel that way.

Ok time to wrap this one up and hopefully I will be writing more frequently.

A Good American by Alex George

If you haven't guessed it's another book review. I have got some great reads lately. 
This is defiantly one of them. A Good American by Alex George is a family story.
It starts like most family stories start with two people falling in love. But their love is forbidden by Jette's mother. So after Jette finds herself pregnant and her mother furious she talks Frederick to move from Germany to America.  

The story is told in the voice of James their grandson. He goes through the struggles of their journey to America and where they go once they get here.  The tale of life as an immigrant, which lets face it somewhere down our family tree is our tale.  There are many struggles and several learning curves. New language, new custom's, trying to find work. 

He tells the families story all way through him as an adult. There are several twist and turns. I laughed and I cried. It made me want to learn more about my family that first made the journey to this land of freedom. How brave and scared they must have been. 
After moving just to a different state I know how much worry I had. I can't begin to imagine what they went to. It's not like today where you could get online and do research. And travel was long and hard by boat. 

I was given this book and compensation for my review, but as always the opinion is my own.
Check out more about this book here....
http://www.blogher.com/good-american?from=bhspinner

Touch & Go by Lisa Gardner

I was so excited when I got this book. I read more crime and mystery novels then anything, so I thought this one was going to be right up my alley. Boy was I not disappointed. I read this book in two days. It is not War & Peace, but not a small book either. It was just that good.

The story is about a family who is abducted from their home. Their home has top of the security and there was nothing of value taken except the people. This family of 3 has their own set of problems before the abduction. Affairs, drug use and lack of communication to name a few.

The book guides you through all they have to go through to stay alive and what the investigators are trying to figure out to save them. There are a few twist and turns which literally made my mouth drop open. But I won't spoil those for you.

I have never read Lisa Gardner before but I am adding her to my list now. If your interested to learn more check out this page, https://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-touch-go

I was given this book and compensation for my review, but as always the opinions are my own.

Ignorance is bliss....I guess

I got a private message on Face book the other day and have been stewing over it ever since. They are not a close friend just one of those I knew you kinda once people. (no names)
But the question that was sent to me was this... "I read your blog posts today. How can you say your depressed and ready to commit suicide one post and the brag about you taking in a child that's not yours in another?"

Well first off I don't think I have ever bragged about Ron and I taking in a child. We have taken in several through the years. I may brag about the child itself and their accomplishments, just like I do my other children. When a child enters your heart it doesn't matter if its by birth, marriage or unforeseen circumstance you just love them.  Or at least that is what Ron and I do.

We learned this from our parents. Both of our parents took extra kids into their homes. We never planned it out. When we were talking of marriage and child rearing. It never came up as an endeavor to take on.
The children we have taken in have not been in the foster system per say, but rather friends of our children or ones we heard about that needed a place to stay or a change of scenery.

Now for the second part of my rant. Depression is NOT something you choose to have or not have. It is not something I can say ok I am over this and be happy again. It is a chemical balance issue. Ask any doctor and they will tell you the truth. I am no longer ashamed to say I take meds to stabilize my chemicals. If for no other fact then it makes my life better. With out the anti-depressants I am on a roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. It makes it hard on me and my family. Yes I still have moments even on the meds. But they are more controlled and happen less often.

The other bee in my bonnet is I did not just make this up. This is not in my head. Not something I am doing to get attention or drugs. I don't like taking 19+ pills every day. I do it to stay alive and semi functional. I did not choose to have depression just like I didn't have a say in if I got Lupus. It is what it is. You either let it control you, or you do the best you can to control it. When my little boy wants to know what each and every med is as I fill my pill box (other wise I forget thanks to the disease and meds), I tell him this one keeps mommy happy, this one keeps me living etc.

Maybe I got too upset by the question. It just hurts that in 2013 people are still so uneducated.

Here I go again by Jen Lancaster and update

So I haven't blogged in a while. I kind of lost my drive for blogging for a while. As you all know I went through a very dark moment for a bit. I am blessed to say that the light is peaking through. I am still working with doctors and adjusting meds, but we are getting there.

I have had a couple of you ask about the ordeal with Elijah. I really don't have much to report at the moment except it has been turned over to the prosecutor. The detective on the case is waiting for an update to let us know. It has been a trying experience in and of its self. But we and most importantly Elijah is doing well. He brings it up now and again, we let him talk it out and then we all move on.

Now on to the fun stuff!!!

This book takes you back to high school. Ok I can hear some of you grumbling already. But it's not like that. Ever wonder what happened to the Prom Queen, the Jock, the one you thought had it all? This book is a super funny look inside the not so perfect life of "THAT" girl all grown up.

The ups and downs and mistakes she made. She realizes the pain she causes other people and gets an odd chance to go back to try to fix things. But fails to realize that every time she changes something that it has a ripple effect. The book had me hooked I finished in two days, giggling for most of it.

It does have a good story base and reflects on how bullying can hurt someone and change their life forever.
http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-here-i-go-again

I received this book as part of the Blogher book club and am compensated for my review. But as always my opinion is my own.

34

Well another year has come and gone. I am not ashamed of my age like some women are. As a matter of fact this year more then anything I am proud to have this Birthday.

To follow up on the last blog. The medication seems to be helping. I have had a few side effects but we are getting those all worked out. In talking with my husband and my dr, I have realized that I just felt so hopeless at that dark moment in my life. I was getting no where with workmen's comp and no relief from this extra knee pain. That dark Friday night I lost hope.

As a Christian I know there is always hope, that my God will never leave or forsake me. But for those 45 minutes or so alone in the dark and in pain it felt like someone else was in control of my body. I had voices inside my head telling me the pain would all go away and it would be better for everyone else around me. I had been praying earlier that night, thanking God for what he had given me and praying for others on my list. When the intense pain was getting really bad I was praying then even, then out of no where it was like a switch was turned on in my head that said if you just swallow a couple extra pills you can go to heaven where there is no more pain. I know that the Lord was not telling me to kill myself.

I have been fighting a spiritual battle all year it seems. If it is not one thing it's another. But as another year of my life starts today I am looking forward to the future.

Yes I am still having knee pain. I got my 3rd and final injection yesterday. It is not back to where it was, and I don't really know if it will ever be. We are holding off on physical therapy until after my 6 week check up to try to let the shots work and give the knee rest. He still has be on sedentary duty and doesn't want me doing a lot of walking.

Thank you to those that have been praying for and with me. Some I didn't even know read my blog until they said they read and were praying. I appreciate it more then I can say.

Have you ever felt so alone?

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything here. Most of you probably thought I had given up blogging all together. And well I guess for a while I did. I have given up a lot of things I enjoy(ed) lately.
I am not going to sugar coat things, I am tired of being ashamed! Depression set in on me like a load of bricks. This year seems like I have been hit and hit and hit. If it's not one thing it's another.  This knee injury added to an already fragile mental status. I have been having problems with panic attacks in groups. Get me in a room with more then about 3 or so people and feels like the walls are closing in on me. A trip to the store gets a pill first and even thin its iffy if I will make it out of there without full blow anxiety.

After discussing this with my Lupus dr. We decided I need to see a therapist. After the first appointment with him he changed up some meds and saw me in two weeks. Well between then and the next appointment my life felt like it was falling apart. My knee was still swelling up and giving me a ton of pain. Which according to the PT was not so uncommon when you have a knee injury. The extra swelling and fluid in the joint was causing the arthritis and bone spurs extra irritation and with the knee every little movement moves the knee cap so you are constantly irritating the injury. We tried the steroid shot right off the bat. It didn't work! So I was fighting with workmen's comp to get a synthetic cartilage injection.  I was  loosing all hope that it was ever going to get better. I was having extreme pain and lots of sleepless nights. I felt like everyone thought I was faking or milking it. I felt alone. We lost our phones during the same time and our internet so I felt like I could reach out to no one that I hadn't already burden so much with being hurt.
It is hard for me to admit but if it helps someone I am putting it out there. I tried to kill myself. I just tried to end all the pain. I thought a few extra pills would just put me to sleep and if it was just a few extra Ron could still get my life insurance cause it would look like an accident not a suicide.
When I told my dr about it 3 days later he wanted to admit me to the hospital. I rejected the idea because it would just make the financial problems worse. He agreed to let me go home with an added medication and an adjustment as long as I promised to call or come in if I felt like I was out of options again.

I did finally get the first of three injections this past Tuesday, and although I am not seeing any real improvement from it yet. I do have hope that the three of this together will give some relief.
I know that this has scared me, my family and my dear friend whom I confided in. I apologize to you all. I am still working through these issues and more in my head.

But putting it all out there seems to someone lift the burden or maybe makes me more accountable to someone who may read it and see me in a store? Who knows. But it's here now......... I don't regret sharing and actually feel a bit better. I am not looking for sympathy. I will accept and appreciate all prayers however. I know there has to be something great on the other side of this year long battle.