Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Lost but now I'm found

It has been way too long since I wrote a blog post. I kinda gave up on it when I stopped working, but within the past two days I have been really been thinking about it and then a friend kicked me out of the nest and here we are.

So much has changed in the last few months- year. I know some of you know what has been going on but I am going to hit on the high points or low points as it may be.

Here is my family's Christmas letter so to say.

Hannah moved to Missouri to live with my folks and go to school up there. She did good her first semester and is excited to start taking classes that are toward a career path and not just college requirements. I miss that girl so much. Even though she lived on campus last year I was still able to see her and have her come visit on some of the weekends. I am so proud of her for helping my folks out though. My dad loves that she is a good cook too, his doctor may not though. ;-)

Elijah is homeschooling this year. It has been good for both of us. Although since Thanksgiving we have been really touch and go. But I am not worried about it. As long as we get the work done in the long run that's all I care about. He has a couple kids here in the neighborhood and our homeschool group that he still gets to play with, but he is not getting bullied any more so he is so much happier for play time.
He had some confusing feelings a few months back and was showing signs of depression. Thanks to the help of others we were able to get him into see a therapist. And he is doing great. He is doing so much better at talking things out instead of being quick to anger. A parent doesn't know pain until you can't help your child. Mentally or physically we all want to make their pain go away.

Ron is still out of work. Although he has applied for hundreds of jobs. He was starting to make a go of our own business, hauling campers and things until the transmission went out on our truck. Sadly we only had it a few months but since we bought it used there was no warranty.

Guess that leaves me. I have had to swallow my pride several times in the last few months and ask  for help. Most of it was for Elijah or the benefit of him. For him I will gladly fall on my sword.
I posted on Facebook that I am starting to realize that when you feel like your world is crumbling, maybe it's just God taking the pieces you put in the wrong spot and building you stronger.
I haven't been able to see one of my doctor's due to an insurance change and the one Dr in our area that will take that insurance and new patients can't see me until February. I am struggling with out some of the meds. I fight the depression, the dark thoughts, the few hours of sleep or wanting to sleep all the time. Headaches that just won't go away and irritability mixed with messed up emotions. Not sure if I want to scream or cry, or cry because I screamed.
Yes I am praying and trying to lean more on God than me. I had someone tell me you can't be depressed if you are really living right with God. Well I disagree! I know what I have going on with me is chemical imbalances and I thank God for his creations that discovered the medication to help. I don't understand why we still have such a stigma around mental illnesses. I am not ashamed to be who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn't make mistakes!! I am not broken, although my body and spirit sometimes feel that way.

Ok time to wrap this one up and hopefully I will be writing more frequently.