Thursday, January 27, 2011

Arrow Meltdown

Today was our kick off to the Arrow Meltdown. It was more of a meet and greet and get signed up day. We have to get our blood work done and meet with a trainer before next weeks meeting. Then next week the real fun begins. For those that don't know, this is the run down. We will meet every Thursday morning at 5am, March 31st will be our last meet and final weigh in will be April 29th. During these weekly meetings we will all be pushed and worked hard by the main trainer. He said he was going to do some of the stuff with us that we may see on the Biggest Looser, me being me, said um make us cry? He also said if we were late he would make us run MORE sprints, so apparently sprints are in my future.

The very thought of the word sprints takes me back to High School and the sprints we all hated, base line to free throw line and back, to the half court and back, other free throw line and back, the other end and back. Man we would run so many of those. Ok my shins are hurting just thinking of running on that tile floor back then.

Ok sorry to get side tracked. We will work with the trainer for 30 minutes then we will have 30 minutes with then nutritionist. Here is a link of an article from today.

The rest of the time we will do our own workouts that will be given to us when we meet with the one on one trainer. My meeting is next Wednesday the 2nd. Up until then I am going to start walking and maybe join a aqua aerobics class. The other thing we have to do this week is keep a record of what we eat each day and turn it in so she can tell us where we need help.

I am not delusional enough to think this is going to be easy. I use food as my drug of choice. I self medicate with it, when I am sad, mad, lonely, bored and even happy. You name an emotion and I can find a food to stuff in my mouth to make me feel temporarily better. I need to retrain my brain to eat to live, not eat just for pleasure. One of the biggest things I am going to try to work out of my life is the daily need for soda pop. I am addicted, I know there will be withdraw, but it is a ball and chain around me. I for see a break down or two, tears of I can't do this any more.
BUT, I believe in my heart that I have enough love and support from my close friends and family to wipe my tears, give me a hug, then kick my bottom right back to the gym.
I did not become morbidly obese over night. (Wow that was hard to type) Morbidly Obese!
And I know it won't come off over night either. But if the journey leads me down the path of being able to enjoy walking around a museum with my family and not having to stop and rest every so feet it is so worth it!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Elijah's Letter

Here is my letter to Elijah. I apologize if it is a little long. But I couldn't break it up.

My dearest Elijah,

Just like in the letter to your sister I don’t know if any of the word’s I know can paint the picture of how much I love you. You are our surprise baby. Your daddy and I wanted a baby, but was told we never would have one. Then one day the Lord decided it was time to send your precious soul to earth and we were chosen to be your lucky parents.

After a few of mommies health issues and some other concerns you came into this world the most handsome baby boy I have ever seen. Right away everyone fell in love with you.

You are only 2 years old when I am writing this letter. But oh have you got your own little personality already. You are such a loving and fun little man. I enjoy your random hugs, kisses and I love you’s. You want to do everything. I absolutely love your curious spirit !!

I am writing you this letter just in case something happens to me. I never want you to wonder if Mom loved you. This is my love note to you. I want to give you a few tips for your life ahead. Let the first one be, We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Mommy doesn’t know when she will be called to Heaven, but I do know that when I die that is where I am going. And after you accept Jesus in your heart and confess your sins. You too will join me there.

Now I don’t know how tall or big you will be. But right now you are not the tallest kid in your class. Don’t let that stop you or hold you back. You can do anything you set your mind to and work hard enough at. You may not be the best at everything you try. But you can be the best you. You may not be an A student, but if you are doing your best , that is what matters. If someone picks on or teases you because of who you are, tell someone, an adult. Don’t let others opinions of you determine who you become. Remember that the person that is trying to hurt you has some kind of hurt inside them to be acting that way. Play fair, even if you loose you will know at the end of the day you did the right thing. If you see someone else getting bullied, help them. DO NOT join the others just because you don’t want to be different. Be the one who makes a difference. You never know when you might save someone’s life.

Enjoy your life in High School, this is one of the most fun times of your life. You will make friends that are there for a few years and maybe a few that last a lifetime. You will start to notice girls. OH GIRLS! Let me tell you that some girls can be mean, not only to other girls but to boys also. You may feel the pressure to date a girl because all the other boys have girlfriends. But let me tell you about dating…. The only girl you should be dating is one that you can see yourself marrying and spending the rest of your life with. That is the purpose of dating, finding your life mate. Let me also tell you that you can get a girl pregnant the first time you have sex, even if you use a condom. Ask your older sister. That is how she got here. Try not to put yourself in a position where these things can happen. Only go on dates where there are other people. Never be alone together. No matter how strong you think you are. Hormones are raging and once things get started it is hard to stop. Make it a rule that you don’t touch anything below the neck. Hold hands sure, maybe kiss and hug, but don’t go further. Put God first in your relationship and stay away from places that make it easy to get in trouble and that will go a long way to keeping you on track.

When you head off to college, remember that you are really there for learning. Not for drinking or endless parties. Although this is the time to get it out of your system. I recommend living on your own at least for a little while. It is a nice luxury. Learn to live with yourself and even though you may be alone you don’t have to be lonely. Study something you love, remember you are going to be working for most of your life so do something you enjoy.

Now if you find that special gal and you two get married. Treat her well! Put God first and then her. Remember she is your help mate not your slave. Give her the love and respect that you want. You will not always see eye to eye. But talk about things, pray about things. Work it out. Marriage is hard work but so worth it. Let her in to your heart. Share your fears and goals with her. Be her rock, but also show her emotion. There is nothing wrong with shedding a tear or two, it cleanses your soul. Cook her dinner once in a while, do some laundry, vacuum the floor. These things that may seem little to you will make a world of difference to her. Give her a back or foot rub. She will return the adoration I promise. Be a gentleman, not only to your wife but to everyone. Open the door for people. Let the little old lady go ahead of you in line. Give a smile; you never know if that is the only smile that person will see that day.

If you have kids, enjoy them. They are the best gifts from God. You will wonder how your heart opened up with all this love for such a little creature. Try to spend as much time as you can with them. Get on the floor and play cars or dolls. Take them in your lap and read them a book. Because in the blink of an eye they will be too big to do those things and then they will be gone to college. I know on those sleepless nights it seems like it will be forever before they take care of themselves. But trust me it goes to fast. And you can never get those days back. Remember that God is first, then your wife, then your kids. With out the previous two you wouldn't have the kids. Time becomes premium after you have children. Take the time to connect with your wife. Kids want to see that their parents love each other and feel secure that their parents love them. Show them what a real man is like. Don’t be afraid to discipline your children. They may say they hate you, but they really don’t. They are just upset and will thank you in the end for being their parent not their buddy. Teach them manners, people were so surprised when you were 2 and you could say please, thank you and welcome. If you can talk to can use manners. No one wants to be around bratty kids.

I pray that I am around to give this to you when you are older. And I am sure there is so much more I want to say to you. But if my chance never comes. Read this and know that I love you, your Daddy loves you and God loves you. You were a wanted baby and a cherished child. You are so special and will do great things. And if I do get to hand you this letter, its ok to just hug me and not get all girly mushy with me.

Your Mom

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

How well do you listen?

I have been praying the last few days, asking guidance on something a friend asked me to do. The problem that comes to me is how do you know when you have the answer from God? Is it a peace in your heart about it? Is it idea's that come to you? Is it that someone else encourages you to do it? I have not seen "Heather Haley YES or NO" on any billboards lately. Maybe I am just not listening well enough. Or maybe I haven't gotten my answer yet!

There have been times like moving from Illinois to Mississippi where I prayed for several weeks about it and asked God that if this is where he wants us to go to please show me. Well everything lined up and for the most part went extremely easy, as much as any move out of state could go.

I asked him to show us which church we should be at after we moved. After visiting a few, when we went to Parkway there was a special singer that day singing a song that means so much to my heart. I took that as a sign along with a feeling of belonging and welcoming that we got there.

I have mentioned before sometimes God has to give me the brick between the eyes to get me to realize things. But what about when I am actively praying and seeking his answer.
How do you know? Or feel that you know? Just like we all study and worship in our own way, I am sure we all feel God speaking to us in different ways too.

One time when things were really stressful at home and tension seemed to be high. I got in the car to go to an appointment and one of my favorite songs came on the radio and calmed me down and made me smile again. At the time I thanked God for caring enough about me to bring a smile to my face. Was it just dumb luck. Some would say yes. But I choose to believe that he cares enough about me to give me that very song and that very minute.

Let me know what you think. How does God speak to you? And are you listening?

Friday, January 14, 2011

Wait that's it?

So I took Hannah down town to the BIG post office to apply for her passport this morning. I took all the paper work that they tell you online, My marriage licence to show why my name is different, papers from the court showing I have custody. All her info, birth certificate, ss card. The very nice Civil Servant says all I need is your dl and the paper from her dad saying its ok. Oh and her birth cert. Which they have to send off, you will get it back but it's gone (oh please don't loose my only copy) for now. Paid for it and out the door we went. It seriously took us less then 10 minutes in and out the door. We thought wow we are gonna get to school maybe 30 minutes late. Not too bad really. NOPE not gonna happen. We get stopped at a RR crossing for 25 minutes. I was blocked in couldn't turn around and go another way. So there went our good timing. But all in all it was a simply and fast process and she still made it to school during 1st period.
I think this kind of confirms in her mind that she is actually going to get to go. It will be even more real when she is holding it in her hand.
As we are driving into the school lot she says "Hey Mom this is the last I will see you til Sunday" Oh yeah, she is doing D Now at the church all weekend and Ron will be dropping her off so I won't see her til I pick her up from church on Sunday. Have a nice weekend sweetie. Don't stay up too late giggling. But giggle a little cause that is what being a teenage girl is all about. Spending times with friends and giggling and talking. Sharing secrets and talking about which boy you might think is cute and which ones are dorks and you would never ever "go out" with them. Ok maybe that was just me and my friends.

Elijah is starting the journey of potty training. We are so'a happy!!! Yes we are those parents who sing and dance with joy each time he tinkles just a little bit in the potty. His daycare teacher wants us to bring underwear and extra pants to school along with the pull ups. Ok sister more power to ya. I may try him in underwear some this weekend, we will see. Hopefully I can find some little enough to fit his little tush. Most of the 2t pants fall off.

Ron is healing very nicely. And doing well, I think he is liking this part time work gig. Doing paperwork from bed totally beats sitting in an office any day.

As for me, this is my heartfelt note. If any of you listen to Christian radio I am sure you have heard this song.

It is from JJ Heller called "Love me for me".
This song speaks volumes to me, I mean my heart, that deep down spot. Not only does she have a very lovely voice, the words ...just wow. It got me to thinking. How many times do we or have we gone looking for love from other humans. We all want that unconditional love. We look for it in our spouse, our kids and friends. I am not saying that parent's loves is not unconditional .... I know I will always love my kids no matter what they may do in life. But I looked at how many times I wondered if someone "loved me" for what I give them or what I could give them? How many times have I given that "love"? Do we look to our spouse to fill that void we find in ourselves, and then get upset when they let us down? I know my husband loves me and he has stuck it out through many ups and downs and mistakes I have made. But I wonder to I sometimes expect the love from him that i can only get through our Lord? It's those times that make me re-examine my relationship with God. What am I doing to push away that I am not feeling that warm fuzzy feeling? Because God is perfect and has never left us, that in turns leaves me. The one who screws up and falls short. If you don't think you do then take a long look in the mirror and crack open your Bible! In the song it talks about God loving the one who has murdered and lied, although I have never murdered anyone, I may have thought about it once, maybe just um... ok moving on. What stood out to me is it doesn't matter lying, murder or adultery. It is all sin. And he still loves us!! How can you not say he ROCKS?!?!?! Ok that was my sharing moment for the week. I am having some emotional and physical issues that are still trying to work out in my body and heart. Maybe that is why this means so much to me right now who knows. But enough. Have a great weekend!!

Friday, January 7, 2011


Even though we didn't have the kids this Christmas season, I still feel like I have a holiday hangover. This week at work has been stressful maybe that is why. The men i work with have been at each other all week. And here I thought it would ease a little with the tension of the holidays and year end behind us. But no!!! Of course we are still trying to get the inventory counted and taken care of. This place has the worst inventory of any place I have ever seen. And it drives me crazy when I try to do the billing and they say they used a part but guess what there is not one in inventory for them to have used. Did you go buy it? I say, Nope it was on the truck. AUGH!!! Who ever did the counting last year either didn't know how to count or didn't care enough to make sure it was right, and I am paying for it. So my work resolution this year is to get the inventory right and keep it right all year. Yeah I know wish me luck with that right!

On a much brighter note.. Elijah went tete in the potty at day care yesterday. He also got the back of his pants cause he was sitting down and didn't aim. But hey that is why we take extra clothes. I haven't really been pushing the issue, just keep mentioning it to him and asking him if he wants to go. I hope this is a step in the right direction. Hannah tried to tell him the other night that babies wore diapers and big boys went in the potty and he told her well I big boy in diapers LOL. Her physiologic had no effect on him at all.

Ron is still recovering nicely. We are going to try to do some running around tomorrow. I want to go to an art store downtown that was recommended and see about getting Hannah some supplies to make some paintings to sell to make money for her trip. And then we thought about going to the Natural Science Museum or the New Children's Museum. Not sure which one. But it will be nice to spend some fun time with the kids and get out of the house for a bit. Hopefully get some pictures, if we can find our camera. I have not been able to find it since we went to Northern Illinois for Thanksgiving.

On a Bible study note, my verse this morning that stuck in my head was;

Luke 10:27 (New International Version, ©2010) 27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"

This is something I struggle with sometimes, like I am sure most of us do. How many of us really love Charles Manson or Osama Bin Laden? The list could go on and on. But closer to home and heart. I struggled with this in regards to my ex husband for a long time. I am not saying that I love him like I do my current husband by any sense of the word. There was a great amount of time that I wished him ill, I thought "wouldn't my life be better if he would die or just go away?" Then one day God knocked me upside the head and made me see it through the eyes of my daughter. Once I had that sense of grief and pain that it would cause her for that to happen I changed my tune. I love her so much and want to keep all the pain and sorrow away from her life. I know as a parent we can't stop it from happening, but goodness I was wishing, wanting that pain to come. That then hurt my heart. How cruel and evil am I to wish that pain on my child? So then I started praying for him and for his relationship with our daughter. And things have gotten better. Not that we are best friends by any means. We still have disagreements, but we are a bit more humane to each other. You can take that anyway you like, a change of heart in me made me see things differently, God changing the situation for the better. No matter what angle I look at it though it comes back to God changing my heart. It is still a battle inside sometimes not to be angry with him, but then I am sure there are times I grate him too. It is a hard lesson to learn in my pea brain that we are all children of God and deserve the same respect and love. Ok that is my thought of the day.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I know it has been a few weeks since I wrote anything. And I am sorry!!!
Let me start by saying Ron is doing WONDERFUL. The Lord as our great physician kept watch over him and has allowed his body to heal nicely. And after this is all said and done. I do believe that he will have the relief from the pain he had before. I know that he has perked up now that he is starting to really recover. He was hurting all the time and well like anyone who hurts all the time it was getting him down. I love this man with all that I am and it hurt to see him hurting. The mother in me wanted to take away his pain. And although you never want to see someone you love have to have surgery, I knew it would stop the constant pain he was having, not to mention the fever and infection.
But do you think the Lord stopped there, ummmm nope! He blessed us greatly. My father came and stayed with us that week and then took the two kids back to Missouri. Although we missed them, it allowed Ron to recover without the fear of a 2 year old jumping on his belly and tearing the nice zipper he now has. (his half of the matching set as I like to say) During the time my dad was here and in the weeks that followed there were several of my friends that brought us food, some a few times. Not only was it helpful to my Dad, It saved me when I came home from work and let me focus on helping Ron and not getting too tired in the process. I have taken food to different families before and now more then ever will I continue. It was such a blessing to us. Thank you again ladies. And I got a few new recipes, bonus!! Even my grump of a boss got into the giving spirit and surprised me by paying me for the days I had to take off due to surgery and Ron being in the hospital. That was such a blessing. Thank you to those who visited us at the hospital and at home. But most of all thank you for all the prayers. I know there were ones sent up on our behalf from near and far. And the peace I felt from them was amazing.

The kids liked spending time away from home, but they were glad to be back with us. It was nice this morning getting back into routine. Although I didn't miss the rush in the morning it is still nice. I know Elijah missed his friends oh who am I kidding...both kids missed their friends from school. They both had stories to tell of Christmas away and enjoyed the extra gifts that were waiting when they got home. Even though I talked to the kids almost daily, it did not even come close to the over joy I felt when I got big hugs from them both. I love that my 2 year old randomly comes up to me and says "lub u mama" or gives me quick hugs.
It made me think how much I miss the interaction while they were gone. And well felt guilty at the same time. I try to pray and do Bible study. But there are days when I know I don't for whatever excuse it happens to be. And how that must make God feel as our heavenly father. That I don't have time for him, does it break his heart like it did mine when Elijah was too busy playing with his new toys on Christmas. Although I understood it still hurt a little. I am going to try this year to be better. To give him the time he deserves and wants from me. I know I will never be perfect, but I need to open that line of communication up better.
I know you don't read to hear me preach, but to hear my thoughts and heart in words. Otherwise you would have stopped long ago. Thank you for continuing to read and respond. This has become a sounding board, an online journal of sorts. If just one thing helps someone else it is all worth it.
On the Costa Rica note. We have received a few donations (thank you). I got her all signed up for it. She is going to start working on some art work to try to sell for donations. I figured she would get more if she lets people choose how much to give. Well that is all for now. My lunch is over and even though I am done with year end, I have all the new year paperwork to do plus what I missed yesterday. The fun never ends my friends. Oh and I don't know what happened over the weekend but all the men in this place are acting like grumpy toddlers who are not getting their way. I told them I was verging on a migraine and to go to their offices and leave me out of it. So far they have kept a little distance. I think they are scared now. :-)