Oh the weather today in middle Mississippi is just well WONDERFUL!!!! I wish my office had windows to open and let the breeze blow through. I miss this time of year in the northern parts of the U.S. where leaves change, and you can wear a sweat shirt at night around a bonfire. Where you go get pumpkins and apples at orchards and drink apple cider with fresh cinnamon donuts.
However I feel another change coming on. I recently talked to a group of teen mom's at our church and it felt good to talk to them. For them to ask questions. I pray that if I made a difference to just one it was so worth it. Some other things have came up in my life and those that I know. Nothing to disclose here. But I have a feeling in my heart that I need to do more in my life. I am still trying to figure out just what. After a tearful discussion with my husband last night, I am thinking along the lines of maybe the crisis pregnancy center. Or maybe I need to do more in my church. I am not sure. Please pray for me my friends and family as I try to figure out where God is leading me. I feel the tug on my heart, I just need to figure out where to go.
I know that there are a lot of people out there need to know God's unconditional love and they need to know that someone cares. Not sure where I fit in to this picture. But I know that I need to do more. It is not enough to sit in my bed and cry to my husband about my heart breaking for these people. I feel a call to action. Maybe I need to talk to the teen girls at my church before they become Moms. I am not sure. .........
Where ever this path is going to lead I pray that I do it for Him and not for me. Please keep me in your prayers. If you have any suggestions for me. Please let me know. Either on a comment on here or privately.
Blind faith, kinda redundant isn't it. Since faith is believing in something without seeing. I see this in my kids. And we should strive to be more like children. "Mark 10:13-16 says And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them. "
I love the fact that at his point in Elijah's life he still thinks kisses heals most wounds. Last night he fell off a stool and as I was laying in bed feeling like I was gonna die, Hannah brought him to me and said "Mom he feel off the stool and scrapped his arm he is not bleeding, but I thought you should know." He said "Mama kiss it" So as I kissed it, he says "thank you" and is off and running again. Yes I know there is actually medical proof that a mothers kiss does release endorphins that do in fact makes kids feel better. But oh the lessons we adults could learn from this.
I have been sicker the last few days. I finally broke down and went to the doctor yesterday after I was running 102.8 fever. Got a shot and some pills. And now today I am feeling better. However in the doctor's office yesterday it occurred to me that I hadn't prayed about it yet. I pray for other people every day, so and so's family member to get better etc. But yet when it came to my own sickness I hadn't taken the time to lay it down. Maybe it is because we think sometimes that our little problems don't matter. But we should......... Just like Elijah thinks a kiss can heal most anything, prayer can release those same endorphins.
I think God gave us doctors and medicine to help us feel better, but as I am growing and learning I have started to believe that if we ask him to kiss our boo boos he will give us that peace too.
I know I have been absent from writing. Well my life has been a little busy. At work I learned a second person's job. I had a lot of free time before, so this just means I have a full day now. It will all work out. And the work is not hard, it flows with my job that I already had, it's just doing the work of two people. Oh and I feel like crud. Ok crud warmed over. This sinus/cold crap is kicking me in the seat of the pants. But that is not what I set out to write about....
I wanted to talk about moving. Since we have a good year under our belt now. I wanted to talk about moving to Mississippi.
Oh how you realize where your comfort zone was when you move hundreds of miles away from "home". When we decided to move, I told my hubby "this is either going to make us or break us". So far it has made us. We are closer now, because for a while we were all each other had.
We worried about moving kids, especially Hannah. She seems to have adjusted as well as can be expected. She still misses her friends in IL. But she has made new friends. She likes the youth group at church. And is excited to go to her first dance in a couple weeks. I was so worried about her making new friends, she is not one to make a lot of friends. She is just a good friend to few. But she has found her group of girlfriends and seems to be happy about it.
I on the other hand didn't really have any close friends in IL. The one "best" friend that I had, the one I could call with everything moved away to CA. I had a bunch of acquaintances. But that was it. Still I was leaving home. I left a job that I LOVED and bosses that meant the world to me.
When we first started going to Church down here. One special lady said hi and showed me around. She invited me to her Sunday school class. And from that day on, I have gained girlfriends. They call to check on me. They let me cry, and most of all they pray for me. Wow this is what I have been missing my whole adult life!!!! I never expected this when we moved, but it is a definite upside. And now in that same Sunday School class I am learning to be a better girl friend to them. And how a true friend should help you and encourage you to be more Christ like. That is this group of ladies for me.
Yes moving was hard. And at times I still miss things about "home" , but this is becoming home more and more all the time. Besides isn't home just where the heart is and my heart is defiantly here in Mississippi with my family and new friends!
I really don't have much to say this time around. Except I want to stop time!
My little girl wants to go to homecoming dance this year. (I have to let that sink in)
Not with a date, because "Mom really all the guys at school are still just dumb". (Mom jumping up and down!!!)
But with friends......
OK I am breathing through this. And trying to talk my heart into letting go that little bit that is needed to enjoy this for and with her. Yeah there is the fun of picking out a dress and getting all dolled up......... that part is fun right?
However I don't want to spend next month's groceries on a dress. I am gonna hit some second hand stores and even heard a place here in town might rent them out. Need to check on that one. But it still comes back to the fact that my baby girl is growing up and I am not ready! Yes I am selfish, darn tooting she is my only girl. I want her to have great memories of this time of her life. I know I have some pretty good memories of High School. Yeah we all have some not so good ones too, but let's hope the good out number the bad.
Ok my peeps that is it, that is what is on my heart today that I can share with the masses.
Go ahead, I will wait for you..............Wow you read slow..just kidding.
Now I find so many things wrong with this picture. Please tell me I am not the only one. I get the concept that they are hoping using a picture of a child will make someone slow down. But what happens when someone is say drunk. (not gonna argue they shouldn't be driving anyway) But they see a real child and think its a speed bump or an elderly person who can't see real well (again not driving is not the issue stay with me). This to me is so politically incorrect that it brought to mind allowing men to put pictures of women on punching bags. Yes over reaction I know. But the same kind of idiotic ideology is what i am speaking of. Come one people think a little more on this issue please. I for one don't want my child mistaken!
Health. Such an easy word. Not hard to spell, You can be in "bad" or "good" and most people understand what you mean. However, health can be a tricky thing. It is one thing that a majority of people take for granted (imo).
I have had a love/hate relationship with my personal health, from the time I was little I have been in and out of hospitals and for many of the times they never really knew what was going on with me, fevers that were so high I would hallucinate. I can remember the spinal taps, the laying in the hospital bed with only undies on. This went on for several years and to this day have no clue why or what was wrong. I can only imagine what that put my parents through. As a parent I fret and fright over every sniffle it seems, but more on that later.
Around the age of 14 or so I was diagnosed with Lupus and Endometriosis, (most of you know this stick with me) Lupus wasn't something new to me as my mother has it also. But I have a different outlook on it now then I did as a kid. It has been brought to the front of my mind lately because my daughter is doing a research paper on it. She naturally has fears and thought that she could learn more about this disease that corrupts her families dna. What she didn't expect was to have to have an out of family source. In trying to help her with finding someone to talk to about it I got to thinking how much do I really know? Not much really. I know what I have learned over the years from my own mother. I know that when I over do it I get really tired, so tired most people just don't understand that it takes every bit of energy to get out of bed and most the time the smile I give is just to hide the tears. Most people don't know that almost every part of my body hurts almost all the time. They also don't know that although I am obese, I have tried to loose weight and most times I get started only to go into a flare and get put on steroids which then makes me gain more weight then I started to loose. Depression is very easy when it comes to this disease. I fight a battle daily. I am not talking suicide or anything although I have had my own dark moments in life like most have. I am talking about really enjoying the days where I feel better. Being able to enjoy my kids before they are grown and on their own. It is harder with a 2 year old now. When he brings the little toys to me and says "mama play" and it hurts my fingers and wrists so bad to hold that little toy, but the joy it brings him far out ways it. These are the real deal things that I want Hannah to know, but that I will never tell her! Yeah she knows Mom has to take it easy sometimes, Mom has to try to stay out of the sun and use lots of sunscreen. But I as a parent don't want her to know the true dirt. She shouldn't have that worry!!!
I want her to do well on her paper, I want her to get as much info as she needs, but AUGH when as a parent do you let them just learn? I have got her numbers of people to talk to, and have tried to help her with a list of questions to ask when she does call. I just don't want her to open that Pandora's box in her mind and have her start to worry about all the bad things that can happen, because well a kid shouldn't worry about when or if their parents organs are gonna shut down. How my body plays war with itself daily.
I now look back at how my parents must of felt when I was diagnosed. They knew about this disease and what it can and does do to a person. When Elijah was 4 months old he spent almost a week in the hospital and I fretted as much as a parent could I thought. This poor kid has been sick more in his little life then Hannah ever was. It worries me as it does any parent I am sure. But now I take into consideration how my parents must of felt, funny how the older we get the smarter our parents get (Hi mom and dad).
So I let you have this glimpse into my heart. Please don't think I write these words for sympathy. It is just a place to share my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for reading ya'll :-)
Wow September 1st, 2010. How did it get here so fast. It seems the older I get, the quicker time flies by. I have heard some say it's after you have kids. Well maybe that is true, but seeing as I have been a mom since I was 18. Most of my adult life has flown by.
I can remember back in school and it seemed like "our year" ya know the one you graduate was so far away, and the days just ticked by. We watched the clock with such anticipation, wishing our life away.
If that is one thing I wish to teach my children is to enjoy the moment, it will be gone soon enough. Your time to work and pay bills, all the worry that comes with that. Well you will have that burden the rest of your life. Slow down and enjoy this moment today.
At one point in time I traveled for work. Hannah was about 7, and we as a family decided it was a good thing for me to do. But only coming home for a long weekend every 3rd week was just too much. I stuck out the assignment, but couldn't do another on the road. I loved the job, the people, the money, the freedom. Then like a brick between the eyes it hit me, I would never get back year 7 day 125 of Hannah's life. I was missing too much. I did learn a lot by taking that job. I had never lived alone NEVER and even though I was married and had children, I was living alone several hours from them. There is something to be said about not worrying about dinner or clean clothes or whatever you worry about. Only having to fend for myself cereal was dinner some nights. I got my nails done. I went to the movies. And all on my per diem. It was something I now know that I needed to experience. Yet it still doesn't replace the days I missed from Hannah.
Now I think ahead to Hannah graduating and how fast 2014 will be here. How that means that Elijah will be starting school OMG!!!! (not gonna cry right now....) Although every parent I know loves to see their kids grow. No matter how hard it is. I appreciate my own parents more now. I see all the sacrifices they made and kept from me, because that's what parents do. Then I can only imagine how hard it is for them to see their babies grown, married, with kids, some of those kids with kids of their own. It has to be bittersweet.
No matter how you see time moving, fast or slow. The point is it just keeps going. When our lives seem to stand still, due to illness or financial issues or what have you. The rest of the world goes on. The sun rises and sets the same it did yesterday with no reserve to if your ready.
My friends enjoy this moment, even if you are not having a good time. Remember that you will never have this second, minute, day ever again. What are you going to do with it?