Friday, May 20, 2011

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you ever catch yourself  looking deep into your own eyes? They say the eyes are the portal to the soul. What do you see when you look? Or do you just stay away from looking that deep into yourself?
This thought has been on my mind lately. As most of you know I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia this week. Myself and those around me have known for a while really that there was more going on with me then just my Lupus.  But when the doctor blows you off, you start to loose faith. When the people you love treat you like your making it up and it's all in your head. You loose any hope you had.

That is where I have been the last few months. I spoke of it before. A kind of blah. I was living my life, but I wasn't enjoying my life. Every time I looked in the mirror I began to see this change in me. I was starting to see pain, brokenness, fear. And then I started to wonder if I should be seeing clinically insane? Because really can someone truly be in pain all over like this for so long with no real explanation?
Well on Wednesday I found out that the answer to that question is YES!! I am not a freak, hypochondriac, or just making this stuff up.

I know it is hard for other people to understand. I know it would be so much easier if I was wearing a full body cast for people to see that it hurts from head to toe. But I don't have that option. I just have my words.
At the doctors office I was crying as he was telling me things, I bet you have this, or I bet you feel this. As I said yes to each of these things it was like being at a carnival where they guess your age or name and you kinda get freaked out. He was telling me stuff that I kept hid. Stuff I can't say to people. Things that would hurt those I love and love me back.

It was later that night that when I looked in the mirror that I still saw the broken me, but I caught a glimpse of something else, hope maybe?  What ever it was I wish it great luck and becoming the first thing I see when I look. I want it to win, I want to see the happy and loving person I know I am. Not the one in constant pain and bitterness. Not the one who feels as if I am on the verge of a psychotic break down. Who just wants to crawl in a hole and stay a while.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Been a day or so

A big sorry to my friends and family. It seems my blog slipped to the wayside for a bit.
Life has a way of taking over sometimes. And even though your intentions are good and grand, it doesn't mean you can accomplish everything you set out to do.

The last few weeks have been exciting, heart warming, heart melting and just over all busy.

In our previous blog post we were preparing for Elijah's party. Wow I turned into a big blogging slacker huh?
Let's try to catch up shall we?

On April 29th, we had the final Arrow Meltdown. I did not run the race because of all the health issues that were going on. But I did show up and cheer the others on. They all did so great!!  Surprisingly enough I was not last on the weight loss list. At that time. I had lost a total of 20lbs since I started watching everything and my cholesterol went down 21 points.  I have lost 1 more pound since. I am not unhappy with the results. It gave me a starting point. And when I go see the new doctor next week I am going to talk to him about adjusting or changing my every day meds to hopefully allow me to start exercising again.

Elijah's party was a great success, thank you to all that came. To those that didn't we missed you. I am so glad we had it at the church. There was no big mess to clean up and I didn't have to try to clean my house like a mad woman before. WIN WIN!!

Hannah had a birthday also during these 2 weeks. She has some more studying to do for her permit and that is all I am gonna say about that. We had some quality time together, we laughed and talked about all kinds of stuff. It was so nice. I really love the young woman she is becoming.  She is so ready for school to be done. I don't blame her. I am not too old to remember those last few weeks of school drug on forever! She is excited about her trip, she leaves 26 days from today. We are getting lists of things she needs to pack and even getting some stuff packed together. I am so happy for her to go on this trip. I have my mommy worries, but what an opportunity for her.

I have no profound words of wisdom today. Truth be told I am super d duper tired today and am having a slight concentration problem. I just didn't want everyone to think I had given up on blogging.