Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Love, life and storms?

Read this article. It is about some of the storms that hit the Mississippi area.|topnews|text|Home

Ok now that you are done with that. There is a couple things that stuck out to me and broke my heart. The first was the 3rd old that got killed in their bed when a tree fell on the room they were sleeping in. The second was about the father who saved his daughter by laying on top of her and got hit on the head with a tree and died.

Many people have said as long as it's not a tornado then you really don't have to worry. OH REALLY NOW?
I woke up with the storms last night and prayed, got done, and prayed some more. I usually really don't want my baby who is on the eve of 3 (AUGH) sleeping between me and daddy. It makes it hard for the adults to sleep. But if something (God forbid) was to happen, my hope is that our big bodies will protect his little one. Yes I worry about my big baby too (no not Ron). But she is not going to sleep with us. I do realize that if God is calling one of us home, it doesn't matter how much I pray for safety, what will be will be. But somehow praying makes me feel better.
I am wore out, exhausted today. I woke up when the storms came through and stayed awake the rest of the time. With maybe a cat nap in there, but couldn't stay asleep because without power I couldn't wear my machine. And so I had a few minutes to think, and this is where my mind went, come along will you?

Why does it take things like this to make me slow down and take inventory? I know I am blessed, but never realize just how much until you think it might be gone.

The weather is scary all over the US. Too many of us Americans  have been hit by storms, big scary storms. Many have died. Still more homes and possessions are going to be destroyed due to water and more storms to come. I don't advocate living your life in fear of what may be or come. But you do need to live your life, enjoy each day. I hold on to this verse when I am trying to make it through.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version, ©2011)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I get stuck in the rut of trying to plan my own life and not what the Lord has planed for my life. I guess that is what the storms and tragedy have stirred in my heart. To stop and listen. Enjoy, love and live!

On a side note. The prednisone seems to be working, at least to the point that I can move and not cry each time. The storms and change in pressure have still kept things flared up, but not near as bad. The headache may be a combination of all things combined. But I am extremely grateful to have the symptoms I have today then the ones I had a week ago. Thanks for sticking with me through all the complaining about not feeling good. I really try to keep it minimized. This has been the sickest for the longest I have ever been. Hugs go to you all.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

20lbs and counting

I stepped on the scale and was overcome with joy. I finally hit that 20lb mark!! The program may be over but I am still trying to work it. I know you have all seen my struggles through my Facebook posts these last few weeks. So I won't rehash everything on here. What I will say on here is this is the worst I have ever felt. It started back about spring break. And although I have had a few days that were not as bad as others it has been a struggle. 
I need to find a new specialist, one that will listen to me and tell me that my drugs should be working even if they are not. I miss my doctor in IL terribly. Maybe that is one reason why I haven't been this bad in a very long time. That doctor listened when symptoms first came on and treated me quickly so I never suffered for long amounts of time. I am not out shopping for narcotics. I just want to feel like I am functioning. I am in a dark place right now because of the pain. I know in my head not to be. But that is easier said then done. I am trying not to isolate myself. I do feel blessed to have a great set of friends who pray, support and worry about me. I know I can call my Dad at anytime and get an ear to listen, if so needed kind and wise advice to go with it. I am lucky that I have Hannah who helps me so much around the house. I know all these things I do. I also know in my heart of hearts that if it wasn't for my kids I probably would have given up a few days ago. I am not talking about killing myself, but more laying in bed crying and self loathing. It hurts too bad to do anything but lay there. Even the movement of changing positions hurts.  I know not everyone can understand or comprehend that point. If you haven't lived it, one really can't just explain it to you. I know people get tired of hearing that I don't feel good. I try not to put it out there as much as I feel it. I am glad that I found a support group online of people who understand and make me feel like I am not loosing my mind. 
I try to remind myself when I am feeling down and out of this passage.....

Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding, think about 
him in all your ways, and he will guide you on the right paths.

The fact that I am not in control and I am not supposed to know why or the outcome. Ever wonder why pain and depression run hand in hand? Why is depression such a stigma still? Why is it just when I drop those 20lbs I get put on one of the biggest doses of prednisone I have ever been on?  Those are some of the things rolling around in my head as I write this. 

On a brighter note we are headed to Missouri to see my family for the Easter holiday and for my folks to have birthday celebrations with both of the kids. We are going to have dinner Saturday night with some amazing and important people in my life. Then next week my baby turns 3 OMG 3 for reals people!! Then two weeks after that my other baby turns 15, lets not have that break down yet. 
If you are around Clinton and wanna come to Elijah's birthday party just holler at me and I will give you the 411, the more the merrier. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and remember that Jesus dying on the cross and rising 3 days later was not about eggs and bunnies. It was about Him dying to take away my sin, your sin. I won't go into all of the back story of my life right now. But I will say that after being hurt by a group of "Christians" who thought my sins were way worse then their sins. That sin is sin. We are all forgiven and cleansed by the Lamb who died on Calvary

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Warning Labels

Have you ever thought to yourself that you or someone you know should come with a warning label?
For some reason this thought hit me last night. I work for a man that has a temper at times. Some days you can catch on before he explodes other times it catches you off guard. That was the obvious and easy answer for me. But then I did a little soul searching and realized that there are days that I need that warning label affixed firmly to my forehead. I am sure my family would be very grateful for the day I come home with Crabby, Moody, Upset, Sick or any such words flashing on my head for them to be warned to stay out of the way.
To not get ambushed by the short temper or ill word. I try really hard not to have those moments, I really do. But many times I catch myself when it's too late. After I have raised my voice to my 2 year old who is hanging on my leg while I am trying to handle a hot pan to "please for the love of God let go of my leg before I fall and spill this hot stuff on you and me".

The hurt in his eyes instantly breaks my heart in two. I know he is just trying to love on me after being apart all day. Why must life be so stressed sometimes? As much as I love the freedoms that me working allows us, ya know like eating. I do sometimes miss the days of low stress and snuggling with him. I feel like time is passing me by and I am spending it at work. Although I love his teacher at daycare, I feel like she is getting the best of him. By the time he comes home from school he is often cranky and moody too. Why does life have to be like this?

One of my dear friends has been dealing with some life changing decisions. And the discussion of fear has come up. Boy do I know about that. When Ron was told he wouldn't have a job any longer in IL. I prayed and prayed for God to show us a way to provide for our family. Along came the transfer. I was SCARED out of my mind to move hundreds of miles away from friends and family. I told Ron I would follow him where ever he went. The last Sunday before our move, we went to church like every other week. The message was about stepping out in faith and putting your fear aside to follow God. BAM!! I fell on my face at the alter that day. How can I be so afraid of something I had been praying so hard for. Why is it so hard to let God lead the way. Why when we pray and he answers our prayer do we still doubt?

Those two points tied together in my mind last night. That fear could be a warning label too. Fear can be taken out on others as much as a quick temper. I am praying today that the Lord help me not be afraid of where he is leading me, where ever that may be. That I will have the label of peace and love on my face when I go home to my family.

Friday, April 8, 2011

On my heart

I am not writing this to preach to anyone. I am sharing what was shown to me and what has been on my heart. Sometimes things just touch me to my core and I get this over whelming feeling, voice, urge to share it. Is it God's voice, the Holy Spirit? Who knows really. But here it is.... read this passage from Deuteronomy 8:16-18 this is from The Message.

16 Make sure you don't forget God, your God, by not keeping his commandments, his rules and regulations that I command you today. Make sure that when you eat and are satisfied, build pleasant houses and settle in, see your herds and flocks flourish and more and more money come in, watch your standard of living going up and up—make sure you don't become so full of yourself and your things that you forget God, your God, 
   the God who delivered you from Egyptian slavery; 
   the God who led you through that huge and fearsome wilderness, those desolate, arid badlands crawling with fiery snakes and scorpions; 
   the God who gave you water gushing from hard rock; 
   the God who gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never heard of, in order to give you a taste of the hard life, to test you so that you would be prepared to live well in the days ahead of you.

 17-18 If you start thinking to yourselves, "I did all this. And all by myself. I'm rich. It's all mine!"—well, think again. Remember that God, your God, gave you the strength to produce all this wealth so as to confirm the covenant that he promised to your ancestors—as it is today.

The last two verses that I highlighted that is what really stuck out to me. I am guilty of this. Over and over and over again. I am telling you I have a thick skull people. I can't do any of this on my own. I try, I fail, epic fail, fall flat on my face get the picture? 

We all talk about turning over our problems to God ya know "Let go and let God". Well it's not all about the troubles and problems. He makes the good possible. We need to turn over all the good and give him praise. 

Some days my biggest praise is getting me out of bed and moving, I am not being snide. There are days that those things feel like it takes the best part of me and everything else is downhill.

I worry about money and bills like everyone. But who is it that got this job for me in the first place? Sure I want to account it to my mad skills, my likable personality and general good looks. Stop laughing so hard your gonna hurt my feelings....hehe The fact of the matter is I am nothing!

I am right now in front of you giving God the praise and glory for all the things that we have. Honestly we all have so much. If you are able to read this silly rant by me you do to. 

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Hello is anyone there?

Ok so I have been slacking on the blog the last few weeks. As many of you know from reading facebook or trying to call and check on me. I had strep throat last week and some kind of stomach bug. Oh fun times abound. I actually asked my husband to kill me at one point, cause I thought it would just put me out of my misery. Obviously he was more level headed then I and did not. I can tell you that I would rather give birth to children then to go through that again.

The good news about not really being able to swallow anything or keep it down was I lost another 2lbs. Which is great cause I did not go exercise. As a matter of fact I barely got out of the bed all week. Except toward the end of the week I just couldn't stand it any more. I had been in that sick, sweaty, stinky bed too long. I striped all the bedding and put it in the washer, took a shower, felt human again for a bit. It wore me to the bone, but oh so worth it.

Since I started this process of getting healthier I have lost 17lbs according to the scale at my doctor's office. He was very happy with the results. And so am I. I got down on myself the other night and confided in my hubby about how I feel like a failure in the meltdown because I haven't been able to do all the exercise and achieve the weight loss some have. My wonderful husband reminded me off all the battles I have fought. Between injury and my Lupus with extended sickness. It has been hard. But I have made a change in my eating and drinking habits. I have lost weight. I am keeping up the fight. All is not lost.  In times past I would have given up already. But I am in this to make life changes. To teach my kids a better way. I felt so good the other day when I was walking through kroger with all kinds of fruits and veggies in my basket, not junk.

We got a preliminary itinerary for Hannah's flights the other night. Like this is for real!! Two months from tomorrow she will be flying to Costa Rica. She is still trying to do odd jobs to earn extra spending cash. If anyone has anything they need done, look her up. Babysitting, washing cars, doing dishes. She is not ashamed to do anything LOL.

I feel like I have so much I want to say, but this brain fog has taken over today.  Yes it is a real thing. I have found comfort in reading the message boards over at They know what I am talking about, what my struggles are. I feel not so crazy. I know go ahead and laugh.

Til next time do something nice for someone else and feel the reward!!