Thursday, April 21, 2011

20lbs and counting

I stepped on the scale and was overcome with joy. I finally hit that 20lb mark!! The program may be over but I am still trying to work it. I know you have all seen my struggles through my Facebook posts these last few weeks. So I won't rehash everything on here. What I will say on here is this is the worst I have ever felt. It started back about spring break. And although I have had a few days that were not as bad as others it has been a struggle. 
I need to find a new specialist, one that will listen to me and tell me that my drugs should be working even if they are not. I miss my doctor in IL terribly. Maybe that is one reason why I haven't been this bad in a very long time. That doctor listened when symptoms first came on and treated me quickly so I never suffered for long amounts of time. I am not out shopping for narcotics. I just want to feel like I am functioning. I am in a dark place right now because of the pain. I know in my head not to be. But that is easier said then done. I am trying not to isolate myself. I do feel blessed to have a great set of friends who pray, support and worry about me. I know I can call my Dad at anytime and get an ear to listen, if so needed kind and wise advice to go with it. I am lucky that I have Hannah who helps me so much around the house. I know all these things I do. I also know in my heart of hearts that if it wasn't for my kids I probably would have given up a few days ago. I am not talking about killing myself, but more laying in bed crying and self loathing. It hurts too bad to do anything but lay there. Even the movement of changing positions hurts.  I know not everyone can understand or comprehend that point. If you haven't lived it, one really can't just explain it to you. I know people get tired of hearing that I don't feel good. I try not to put it out there as much as I feel it. I am glad that I found a support group online of people who understand and make me feel like I am not loosing my mind. 
I try to remind myself when I am feeling down and out of this passage.....

Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding, think about 
him in all your ways, and he will guide you on the right paths.

The fact that I am not in control and I am not supposed to know why or the outcome. Ever wonder why pain and depression run hand in hand? Why is depression such a stigma still? Why is it just when I drop those 20lbs I get put on one of the biggest doses of prednisone I have ever been on?  Those are some of the things rolling around in my head as I write this. 

On a brighter note we are headed to Missouri to see my family for the Easter holiday and for my folks to have birthday celebrations with both of the kids. We are going to have dinner Saturday night with some amazing and important people in my life. Then next week my baby turns 3 OMG 3 for reals people!! Then two weeks after that my other baby turns 15, lets not have that break down yet. 
If you are around Clinton and wanna come to Elijah's birthday party just holler at me and I will give you the 411, the more the merrier. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and remember that Jesus dying on the cross and rising 3 days later was not about eggs and bunnies. It was about Him dying to take away my sin, your sin. I won't go into all of the back story of my life right now. But I will say that after being hurt by a group of "Christians" who thought my sins were way worse then their sins. That sin is sin. We are all forgiven and cleansed by the Lamb who died on Calvary

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