Wednesday, September 26, 2012


Well another year has come and gone. I am not ashamed of my age like some women are. As a matter of fact this year more then anything I am proud to have this Birthday.

To follow up on the last blog. The medication seems to be helping. I have had a few side effects but we are getting those all worked out. In talking with my husband and my dr, I have realized that I just felt so hopeless at that dark moment in my life. I was getting no where with workmen's comp and no relief from this extra knee pain. That dark Friday night I lost hope.

As a Christian I know there is always hope, that my God will never leave or forsake me. But for those 45 minutes or so alone in the dark and in pain it felt like someone else was in control of my body. I had voices inside my head telling me the pain would all go away and it would be better for everyone else around me. I had been praying earlier that night, thanking God for what he had given me and praying for others on my list. When the intense pain was getting really bad I was praying then even, then out of no where it was like a switch was turned on in my head that said if you just swallow a couple extra pills you can go to heaven where there is no more pain. I know that the Lord was not telling me to kill myself.

I have been fighting a spiritual battle all year it seems. If it is not one thing it's another. But as another year of my life starts today I am looking forward to the future.

Yes I am still having knee pain. I got my 3rd and final injection yesterday. It is not back to where it was, and I don't really know if it will ever be. We are holding off on physical therapy until after my 6 week check up to try to let the shots work and give the knee rest. He still has be on sedentary duty and doesn't want me doing a lot of walking.

Thank you to those that have been praying for and with me. Some I didn't even know read my blog until they said they read and were praying. I appreciate it more then I can say.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Have you ever felt so alone?

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything here. Most of you probably thought I had given up blogging all together. And well I guess for a while I did. I have given up a lot of things I enjoy(ed) lately.
I am not going to sugar coat things, I am tired of being ashamed! Depression set in on me like a load of bricks. This year seems like I have been hit and hit and hit. If it's not one thing it's another.  This knee injury added to an already fragile mental status. I have been having problems with panic attacks in groups. Get me in a room with more then about 3 or so people and feels like the walls are closing in on me. A trip to the store gets a pill first and even thin its iffy if I will make it out of there without full blow anxiety.

After discussing this with my Lupus dr. We decided I need to see a therapist. After the first appointment with him he changed up some meds and saw me in two weeks. Well between then and the next appointment my life felt like it was falling apart. My knee was still swelling up and giving me a ton of pain. Which according to the PT was not so uncommon when you have a knee injury. The extra swelling and fluid in the joint was causing the arthritis and bone spurs extra irritation and with the knee every little movement moves the knee cap so you are constantly irritating the injury. We tried the steroid shot right off the bat. It didn't work! So I was fighting with workmen's comp to get a synthetic cartilage injection.  I was  loosing all hope that it was ever going to get better. I was having extreme pain and lots of sleepless nights. I felt like everyone thought I was faking or milking it. I felt alone. We lost our phones during the same time and our internet so I felt like I could reach out to no one that I hadn't already burden so much with being hurt.
It is hard for me to admit but if it helps someone I am putting it out there. I tried to kill myself. I just tried to end all the pain. I thought a few extra pills would just put me to sleep and if it was just a few extra Ron could still get my life insurance cause it would look like an accident not a suicide.
When I told my dr about it 3 days later he wanted to admit me to the hospital. I rejected the idea because it would just make the financial problems worse. He agreed to let me go home with an added medication and an adjustment as long as I promised to call or come in if I felt like I was out of options again.

I did finally get the first of three injections this past Tuesday, and although I am not seeing any real improvement from it yet. I do have hope that the three of this together will give some relief.
I know that this has scared me, my family and my dear friend whom I confided in. I apologize to you all. I am still working through these issues and more in my head.

But putting it all out there seems to someone lift the burden or maybe makes me more accountable to someone who may read it and see me in a store? Who knows. But it's here now......... I don't regret sharing and actually feel a bit better. I am not looking for sympathy. I will accept and appreciate all prayers however. I know there has to be something great on the other side of this year long battle.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

BGBC Junes Book Review

This months book is titled What Alice Forgot by Liana Moriarty. As always with my book reviews for BlogHer. I am compensated for my review, but my options belong to me.

This is a GREAT book. The story actually made me laugh out loud and I flew through the pages.
The premise of the book is about Alice who sustains a head injury and has lost the last ten years of her life. She can't remember the birth of her children or why she is in the middle of an ugly divorce. She still thinks she is madly in love with her soon to be ex. This story has lots of love, laughs and family drama. Alice makes the choice to right some wrongs and becomes a stronger person on the other side. She starts to get her memory back but only in little bits and it all gets confused in her head as to who the memory is with or what actually happened.  It got me thinking about what I would miss if I forgot the last ten years.........If you could change your attitude because now you see the hurt you cause people would you? It is something all of us really need a look at our life from the outside. This is one to download and read over the weekend, I know I finished it in 2 days and couldn't hardly put it down.

Friday, May 18, 2012

May's Book review

Ok this book well it is Where she went by Gayle Forman. It is a young adult book and usually I do good with them. This one not so much. It is a second book, maybe that is why. I guess I should have read the first but too late now.

It's about a rockstar who has issues (I know so overrated) who is in love with his high school sweetheart who is an amazing cellist. The whole book is the span of one day. It does talk of addiction, love lost and tragic accidents. In all honesty it kind of reminded me of a show of the CW LOL. I may give it to the daughter to read and see if she can get into it more then me.  If you are interested in reading a discussion about this book check it out here ->

Thanks for taking the time to read my reviews. I am compensated by BlogHer for my reviews, but the opinions are all mine.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Not a book review :-)

Ok so I know it has been a while since I have wrote anything on here that wasn't a book review.

As most of you that follow the blog know we moved at the end of April that has taken up most of our time. We are finally starting to feel like this is our home. Getting boxes emptied and figuring out where to put everything. Although putting everything away is made much easier by the fact that we have SO much more room now. And tons of storage. The boy and the dog are loving the big fenced in back yard.  And all the extra living space. I can't tell you how many times they have laid on the floor together or played or Rooby slept while Elijah played. Elijah has even talked Hannah into enjoying sidewalk chalk in the back yard a few times. He absolutely loves the freedom it has given him. He can now play out there to his hearts content and I am not worried about him running in the road on each side of us or someone snatching him up.

After looking at this pictures I realized I have a bunch of our dog laying down. But that is the only time I can catch her on my phone camera and still be able to tell what I am taking a picture of. She runs around like crazy and has made fast friends with a couple of other dogs whose owner walks them by our place daily. On the back side of our house where the fence is there is great shade in the afternoon as you can tell by Rooby soaking it up <---  This is great for me since I am allergic to the sun, I can actually go outside and enjoy watching the kids and dog play too. Ron of course loves his 2 car garage and having all of his tools back under one roof. He still has to organize everything but I know it won't be long and I will hear the sounds of a compound miter saw and sanding again. (I already have a wish list of things when he gets set up again.. love you honey)

I have also been having my own set of health issues. I don't know if some of it is a reaction to the meds or combo of meds or just a progression of things. I know right now it is harder each day to get out of bed and go to work in the morning. It takes longer for me to be able to walk and I am in pain every night when I go home, not just some. I also have some other things that are going on but I won't get into that yet. The good news is I have an appointment on the 25th and will hopefully have some answers. So please say a prayer for that appointment if you think about it. I have really been praying about if it might be time to consider disability. The only problem with that is I will have to be off work for 6 months before I can file and that is not saying that I would get it the first time around, which most people don't. Although I miss a ton of work due to the illness' I have, I am still bringing in some money to the family budget. Thank you everyone for your prayers and love.

Monday, April 9, 2012

April Book Club Review

I am going to try to write 2 post today. This one for the book club and the second about all the stuff going on in our lives.

Born Wicked by Jessica Spotswood was this months book.
I don't usually read books about witches or vampires or any other young adult fiction really. But I thought I would give this one a shot.
Of course like all the Blog Her book club reviews I was given the book and compensated for my review. But the review is all me baby take it or leave it. So I figured why not.

Surprisingly enough I enjoyed it. The book is about 3 sisters who have this "witch" powers. They lost their mother who was also a witch.
However this is during the early 1900's and witch's were put to death. Their mother didn't give much instruction of how to carry on, so it is left to the oldest daughter to keep a hold and try to control her younger sisters. The Brotherhood has taken over and keeps a close eye on everyone. There are restrictions to the books you can read. What women should wear, how they should act. It is so suppressed that the main character Cate envies Arab women and their freedom. It is also about love and bonds between sisters. I don't want to give away the book, lets just say it's good and read it. LOL

I think I will read the next in the series when it comes out.
Come join my at BlogHer and read some other reviews or join a discussion.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

March Book Club Review

Oh am I excited to give this book review. I couldn't wait to get this book and then when I did it was hard to put down. The book I am talking about is this one... Diary of a Mad Fat Girl (first off isn't that just a great title?)
Before I say anything about the book itself the author was self published. That means she had no deadlines but those of her own making. While taking care of a family she wrote a whole book. Sheez I feel like I am lucky to read a book much less write one. She then got picked up by New American Library, part of Penguin Group (USA). Who provided me a book in exchange for my review. I am also compensated by blogher, but the words and review is mine only.

Now on to this wonderfully funny book. The main character "Ace" is quirky and funny. She is a no nonsense kinda gal. The story talks about her life and her relationship with her 2 best girlfriends that she has had since school and her on again off again "love of her life" 
When one of these girlfriends get put in the hospital by her no good for nothing jerk of a cheating husband Ace and Lilly make it their mission to show her how scummy he really is. They know she will not leave him without prove and that is exactly what they are going to do. The book tells of their adventures and misadventures. And has some twists along the way. I found myself laughing out loud when I was reading this book. It is relative to the best chick flick in a book you have ever seen. It has it all, love, friendship, humor and dogs. 

Friday, February 17, 2012


Adjustments is such an easy word to spill out of my mouth, but actually making them in my life is hard.
There are many kinds of adjustments we all make from diet & lifestyle to spiritual. You name it and it an be adjusted somehow even our spines. My doctors and I have been adjusting my medications to try to decrease the pain and increase quality of life. When you are in pain all the time little things that we take for granted at other times seem difficult. Like getting out of bed, walking to the restroom, even brushing our hair. There have been mornings that by time I shower, shampoo and style my hair I am in tears or full out crying because the pain is so intense. But hopefully as we make these adjustments that will get better too.

Lifestyle adjustments seem to be the hardest to make for me. To take time for me alone well just doesn't really happen. I have gotten better at asking for help. I am lucky enough to have a family who understands for the most part what is going on and tries to help. I just have to remember that they are not mind readers and I have to ask for it or tell them what I need exactly. But I don't think that problem is unique to chronic sick people, I think women in general have a hard time with it. We try to do it all and be all for everyone in our lives. We just can't!!! If you take care of everyone else and not yourself you will crumble.

Last year was a hard year for me. I was sick almost the whole year it seemed. And just when I would get better one of the kids would get sick. We spent a ton of money on dr visits and medicine. I was thinking about all that went wrong last year and then I thought why am I dwelling on this? I can't change a thing about it now. Did you not have anything good that happened last year? You know what I did!!!  We had so many laughs and good times. Wonderful camping trips that were relaxing and awesome family time. Why do I forget these things and remember the bad?

Like I said in my last post I am watching my attitude at work. It is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I am trying my hardest to be thankful that I do have a job that I am (hopefully) getting a paycheck from while I look for another one. I have great co-workers who do their best to run interference with the boss for me. Who make me laugh when he upsets me.  Those things count. I need to remember that!

I also have great friends who pray with and for me. They check on me. They love me and I love them. Besides your immediate family there is no greater joy then having a good set of girlfriends. I lacked that for many years and now that I have it well it rocks. I love being able to call, text or send a message on facebook and say I am down and have one of them pick me up. I love meeting and talking. I need those hugs. If you don't have someone in your life that can do that for you find one. It will be worth the investment trust me.

In closing I may be sick more then not, but because of this my children have empathy for others. My daughter wants to go into the medical field and I think she will be great! She is kind and patient. She has an old soul and a loving heart. Elijah knows to be gentle with people and that sometimes people just need a hug to make them feel better. Those lessons I would like to think they would have learned on their own, but I really think God has used my illness to teach them these and so much more. Yes all my many diseases stink, but I am still alive. If I can justify in my mind that my pain helps someone else then it makes it a little easier to handle.

So if your reading this, you are a friend or a family member. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for prayers and support. Please remember that we are all making adjustments and growing. Today I may be in pain, but that doesn't mean I will be tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


As most of you know from facebook I have dealt with some pretty nasty attitudes at work. While I am looking for another job, I have to hold on to this one til something else comes along. So I have decided after last weeks outburst when he was screaming and up in my face and more then once said "I know it's my fault", that I need to let it roll off my back and not take it so personally.

 It will not be easy I know. I am a tender hearted person. Growing up I got 1 spanking, every other time my dad would just raise his voice and I felt like my world crumbled. I get up every week day with knots in my shoulders and my stomach flipping just wondering what is going to happen at work that day. This is not how I want to live life. I have to make my life better. For me and for my family who also suffers when Mom is sick due to stress. I have to find a way to not let his ugliness rub off on me. I was studying Matthew 7 and once again verses 3 & 4 struck me, if you don't know those ones by heart those are the verses that speak about judging the sawdust in your brothers eye while you have a plank in yours.

Maybe my attitude hasn't been the best back to him, does his hate and anger give me the right to yell back at him? Where is the line between standing up for yourself and being the same mean person? I am struggling with this. I am judging him for being so cruel to me and the other employees but what am I doing wrong to someone else. Am I screaming more at my children, because I was screamed at? That is not fair to them at all. I will not let this bully control my home life. I will not let him bully my kids through me. Yes I want to be used as a vessel, but not for hate, bigotry and anger.

I know God has a plan for my life, maybe staying in this job for a while longer is to teach me a lesson. Not one I am enjoying, but maybe it will soon be over and I will move on to a new job.............

Thursday, January 19, 2012

January BHBC Review

(I was compensated to give a review, but the opinions are my own)

This is the latest Book Club review.  It is titled "the underside of joy" written by Sere Prince Halverson
this is her debut book, and I will be watching for more from her.

This book touched my heart on so many different subjects. 
The first of which begins the story of the main character Ella Beene she struggles with 5 miscarriages before she realizes that her marriage is falling apart. She hits the road in search of herself and peace. She loves how the redwoods of California make her feel. So she follows that love to a small town called Elbow. There she runs into Joe and his two small children and become wife and stepmother literally the same day.  
Joe runs his families small general store that has been passed down 3 generations. 
Like couples do sometimes they go about their daily lives never really dealing with the deep or hard to talk about subjects. Ella knows the store has problems and that business isn't what it should be, but everytime Joe tries to talk to her about it they get distracted. 

It's not until Joe dies in a freak accident that she learns how bad off the store really is or how little she really knew. At the funeral of her beloved a woman she had never seen before shows up. She finds out this is the biological mother to her two children that left them and Joe when they were little. She had a bad case of PPD and just up and left one day without warning or any contact. After seeing her children again and supposedly getting her life back in order she decides she wants to take the children away from Ella.

This is just one more thing on Ella's plate! It is a great read and I don't want to give away too much of the book. But it will make you think about life and death. How much have you and your spouse planned for death and the one left to pick up the pieces. What will happen to the children, birth or step. Do you know where your finances are? Does your spouse know all the passwords? These are all things that came to my mind.

Come see more opinions and discussions at BlogHer.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Made it another year

Well we survived Christmas and New Years. The kids had a ton of fun in Missouri. Elijah told everyone he was extra good this year because he got 2 Christmas'. He is such a ham. Overall I think this holiday season was a great success. I missed my kids like crazy, but to hear the stories and joy they had, it makes it all ok. I only got to see my grandparents a few times a year growing up, we lived in Michigan and they lived in Arkansas and Missouri. I do have some fond memories. But Hannah has so many more already with my folks. She has traveled with them and gone with Papa to the movies. They will both have great memories that no matter how much I miss them, I wouldn't ever want to take away from them. I love that my Dad has carried on with Elijah of them going on "special field trips" (as Elijah calls it) to the movies. It makes them feel special. And my Dad gets a trip out of the house.

I got so wrapped up in them opening gifts at our house that I completely forgot to take pictures!! Opps!

I am still looking for another job, have had some possible leads in the last few days and sent out more resumes. Here's to hopping a new year brings about great changes in that department.
I am pretty sure if I get out of this toxic place it will help my health.

One question that keeps replaying in my mind is why are people so "thankful" over the Thanksgiving but not any other time of the year? Do their blessings stop? Do all the people fighting to defend our friends get to magically come home? (Their families and I wish) Maybe some are thankful year around they just don't verbalize it like they do during November? I know I am guilty of this. I do try to change up my woe is me posts on Facebook with what I am grateful for instead of how bad my job is or how bad I feel. I don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time. Sure I throw cute stuff in about kids here and there. But really why do I care about Facebook? Yes it's fun to read about what's going on in other people's life's. Maybe we want to feel like we don't have it so bad. Or perhaps we want to look to cheer us up. Whatever the reason. I am going to start telling the people in my daily life how thankful I am for them. Maybe not in those exact words. But I want them to know it matters that they are in my life. As Elijah would say "You are my bestest Mommy" who cares that I am his only mommy? Not me.... nope that is the best compliment my "bestest Elijah" could give me!!