Friday, September 14, 2012

Have you ever felt so alone?

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything here. Most of you probably thought I had given up blogging all together. And well I guess for a while I did. I have given up a lot of things I enjoy(ed) lately.
I am not going to sugar coat things, I am tired of being ashamed! Depression set in on me like a load of bricks. This year seems like I have been hit and hit and hit. If it's not one thing it's another.  This knee injury added to an already fragile mental status. I have been having problems with panic attacks in groups. Get me in a room with more then about 3 or so people and feels like the walls are closing in on me. A trip to the store gets a pill first and even thin its iffy if I will make it out of there without full blow anxiety.

After discussing this with my Lupus dr. We decided I need to see a therapist. After the first appointment with him he changed up some meds and saw me in two weeks. Well between then and the next appointment my life felt like it was falling apart. My knee was still swelling up and giving me a ton of pain. Which according to the PT was not so uncommon when you have a knee injury. The extra swelling and fluid in the joint was causing the arthritis and bone spurs extra irritation and with the knee every little movement moves the knee cap so you are constantly irritating the injury. We tried the steroid shot right off the bat. It didn't work! So I was fighting with workmen's comp to get a synthetic cartilage injection.  I was  loosing all hope that it was ever going to get better. I was having extreme pain and lots of sleepless nights. I felt like everyone thought I was faking or milking it. I felt alone. We lost our phones during the same time and our internet so I felt like I could reach out to no one that I hadn't already burden so much with being hurt.
It is hard for me to admit but if it helps someone I am putting it out there. I tried to kill myself. I just tried to end all the pain. I thought a few extra pills would just put me to sleep and if it was just a few extra Ron could still get my life insurance cause it would look like an accident not a suicide.
When I told my dr about it 3 days later he wanted to admit me to the hospital. I rejected the idea because it would just make the financial problems worse. He agreed to let me go home with an added medication and an adjustment as long as I promised to call or come in if I felt like I was out of options again.

I did finally get the first of three injections this past Tuesday, and although I am not seeing any real improvement from it yet. I do have hope that the three of this together will give some relief.
I know that this has scared me, my family and my dear friend whom I confided in. I apologize to you all. I am still working through these issues and more in my head.

But putting it all out there seems to someone lift the burden or maybe makes me more accountable to someone who may read it and see me in a store? Who knows. But it's here now......... I don't regret sharing and actually feel a bit better. I am not looking for sympathy. I will accept and appreciate all prayers however. I know there has to be something great on the other side of this year long battle.

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