Friday, March 25, 2011

Week 8

Ok I know I am a day late and a pound short (bad pun I know). But here it is, I am ok, just was busy yesterday at work and didn't get a chance to type it all out.

Well one more week has come and gone on the meltdown. We have one more week to meet then we are on our own til the end of April. I can't believe how fast time has flown by. I have not done near as well as I wanted in this competition, and you all know the reasons we won't go into that. But I can say that I have been so thankful to have been a part of this. I have learned many things. And I am not giving up the fight just yet. I have lost a few battles along the way, but the war is still mine to win!!!

I am still watching what I eat and trying to keep my portions in check. I am still working out, although it may not be as much as some. I feel good that some movement is better then none. The bike has become my friend. I can ride it for a few miles and get my heart rate up and not kill my knee's and hips. I really need to spend more time on the treadmill, this is hard on me. It just hurts. But I have to build up my endurance if I am going to do the 5k at the end of April. I can tell that my endurance is getting better we did that devil class yesterday and although it did hurt the bottom a little, I am not walking as funny today as I did last time. The biggest thing I noticed is yeah I worked up a sweat, yeah I was breathing hard. But I didn't think I was gonna die either. I did however listen to Patrick when he told me not to stand up!! And the knee didn't kill me near as much as last time.

My great hope and prayer is that I can get my Lupus back in check and start to really exercise and drop the pounds before the end. I don't think I will win, but I don't want to be last either.
I know no one faults me for having the medical conditions and the injury that has held me back, but I don't want to live with that excuse. I know I have to listen to my body and just chill sometimes. And that is part of what got me so down this time. I was trying to push too hard. I was trying to recover from an injury and still work my body more then it was used to.

But let me tell you I have a renewed spirit. I didn't gain weight on those nasty steroids. I actually lost!! So take that you stupid little pills. You did not win this battle. You will not hold me down. I will control my body not you. Ok big talk I know, and it is still a battle every minute of the day not to eat everything I see. Honestly I have a renewed strength through this wage of wills. I thought it had won, was ready to cry into a bowl of ice cream last night about how unfair it is. HA Surprise. GOD came through for me. When I feel like I need to eat I pray, Lord please help me past this temptation and craving. I have gone through a lot of water and gum at work. Guess what it is working, I am hanging in there.

We are in the planning process for Elijah's 3rd birthday. Wow 3 already. His little attitude lately tells me he is approaching 3, but I sure am not ready for him to be a boy and not a toddler. And then 2 weeks after that Hannah turns 15. We decided we are just doing something small for both of them this year. Elijah will have a play party at the church and Hannah may have a friend or two stay over. I did tell Hannah that my plan is to pick her up from school and  take her to lunch then to get her permit. I think that would be a great way to spend your birthday. Maybe I can throw a manicure or something in there too. She knows that her Costa Rica trip is part of her birthday so she is not getting any real gifts and she is cool with that. But I still want to make it a great day. I came to the realization a long time ago that i will never have day 5,475 with her every again. So on that 5,475th day of her life. I will make her feel special even if it's just through the small things.

How are you celebrating day ...... of your life?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Week off

We will not have a meltdown meeting tomorrow due to Spring Break. So I thought I would write a day early.
The exercise portion of this week has been nil to say the least. I have found it rewarding to get dressed, forget about working out. It is not often that my body gets the best of me like that. Sure I have aches and pains. But it hurt to move my fingers this weekend. I couldn't wear my wedding ring because I couldn't fit it over my swollen knuckle.I did get a steroid shot at the doctor on Monday and it is starting to help. 

I am so blessed and very thankful to have a great support system. Hannah and Ron took care of me and Elijah while I was down and out.

Ron and I have been married 10 1/2 years now and this is the first big flare that he has seen. Yes I have been "sick" in the past, and maybe had to slow down. He knows I need to stay out of sun or wear sunscreen like a second skin. He knew I could and would catch most things that were going around. And well with kids in school lets face it there is always something going around. I told him when we first started dating that I had Lupus and he did some research on his own. I am so glad that he thought he could deal with it. Because let me tell you I love this man. Sure we are not perfect, but we work through it. I think we complement each other well. I don't think he could have pictured all those years ago taking care of me like he has had to do this weekend. He married someone 15 years younger then him, so I could take care of him. :-)

I was ashamed at first to ask for help cutting my food, then as one friend put it, "at least he is willing to help you should be grateful" and I am. I changed my outlook from woe is me to I am blessed.
I know that this disease that controls my body will only get worse over time. So I am making a promise to myself to start enjoying today. If I am able to play with my kids do it because tomorrow I might not be so lucky. If I can hug my husband without sheer pain, then hug him again, one day I might not be able to lift my arms that much.

In the story of life no matter who the author is, you or me, we all need to decide just how the story will go.
What does your story line say about you? Would you be considered a "Christian" author? Would it be sci-fi? Even though it is not fair to judge a book by it's cover we all do it don't we? What is your book of life saying to others? I don't want to be the one who everyone doesn't want to read because it's all about sickness and pain. Today i want to show you the chapter of thankfulness and blessings. Last night my whole family was blessed by a special friend who brought us dinner. I tried to ask her not to, but her words to me were "please allow me to share this blessing" Ummmmmmm how do you tell someone no after that? And it was a huge blessing. Hannah got a night off too. She has worked very hard to help me keep up the house, do dinner and take care of Elijah.

If you don't think God has his own perfect timing. Let me show you Hannah and Elijah. I know in my heart that I could not care for Elijah by myself. My body would not allow it. And He in his perfect plan gave us Elijah 12 years after Hannah so she could be a helper and second mother. I try very hard to not put too much on her and allow her to be a kid too. I get teary eyed when I think of her and her precious soul. She has the heart of a servant. I don't mean a maid or butler. No I mean that she wants to serve God and in doing so she tries to make the life of those around her better and easier. Her heart hurts when she sees someone in need or pain. She was the child many Christmas' ago that asked I not get her so many toys, but let her pick out some for the Angel Tree so another kid could have something.

I challenge you, if you think your story will not have a happy ending. If you think your book would read like  a suspense thriller will all the bad things that have happened. Make the choice today to change the next chapter.  Without those past experiences maybe you couldn't reach someone today. There is someone out there needs to know that it is possible to go through .... and live, to make it out on the other side. Maybe not unscathed but better and stronger for it. Thank you all for allowing me to be a character in your book of life!

Friday, March 11, 2011

YES it's mine

Ok forgive me for taking a moment to just rant.
I got "called out" today for parking in a handicap spot. Yes I have a handicap plate on my truck. No I don't always use it. But there are some days like today where every fiber of my being hurts. I feel like I should grab the cane I keep in my truck and use it because the hips and knees are inflamed and feel unstable. I just want to crawl back in bed and cry kinda day. Well I try my best to put on a good face and not complain.
Boss had me go get his lunch for him...uhhh ok great sure would love to. So I park in the handicap spot. And this woman feels the need to chew me a new one about taking up a spot that is meant to be used by "truly handicap people" and "Don't I know it is illegal to park in the handicap spot when it's not mine?".
Usually I am polite and explain that it is mine and that not everyone has a disability you can see, and not every person has to be above the age of 60 to have one. But today I cried. I couldn't help it. She then said to me "oh the crying game don't work on me". Then I was mad. I said look lady, this is MY vehicle. The handicap tag IS MINE! I have lupus and experience pain that you can't even begin to imagine. I have had major surgeries on my hip with a nice big scar if you need to see something physical to put your mind at ease. I will drop my pants for you. Then I said please go ahead and call the cops, let them run my plate and compare the name on my tag to me.  She huffed and walked away. REALLY??? How can you be so verbally abusive to a person and then just walk away?
Maybe I was just over sensitive today because I wasn't feeling well. Or maybe she was just super rude. Either way I am glad it is Friday and I get to spend the weekend vegging out and maybe a little time in the hot tub at the health plex to ease the joint pain.
I go see my rheumatologist (yes that is a word quit telling me it's not spell check) on Monday and I am going to talk about changing meds or doing something different.
On a plus this week the FDA approved a new drug to be used to treat Lupus. It is an IV drug and really expensive right now. It may not help everyone with Lupus but it is the first drug in 50 years approved just to treat Lupus. Right now most drugs we use are borrowed from another disorder and used off label, meaning it was not intended to be used to treat Lupus. No cure yet, but I see this as a step in the right direction.
Have a great weekend !!!  And thanks for tolerating my rant.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Week 6

Well 1 more week has come and gone. We have less then 2 months before this program is over. I didn't gain and didn't drop any pounds this week. I stayed the same. Which is bittersweet. I am glad I didn't gain anything, but still was hoping to loose. But now that the knee is getting better, I plan on hitting the gym a lot more. Get back in the groove of working out everyday.

The knee is getting better. Still not 100%, but I don't have the constant pain like I did before. Well let me rephrase that. I have an all the time ache/soreness in all my joints. But not the sharp make me wanna cry pain. Every now and again I will still get that sharp pain like say after 10 minutes on the treadmill the other night. But I stopped and it went away after a while with some pain pills. Although I was very proud of the 5 miles I did on the bike. It may not be jogging or running but it is something and it gets my heart rate up and no one can take that away from me. So there !! LOL

I went back to the doctor yesterday and he offered the injections again, which I turned down for now. He told me I could continue PT if I wanted. I am still trying to decide. It would probably help, but it is getting better and I can do most of what they do on my own, and we already have enough medical bills stacking up with Ron's surgery a few months ago. I also realized I was using PT as a big fat excuse. Yes my knee is really sore when we get done, but I could have been going and working my upper body. I could work the other leg. Oh how sneaky those excuses can be when we let it. I also don't like doing dinner at 8pm. If I am doing PT til 6ish then at the plex til 7-7:30 then dinner doesn't get done til at least 8 and then it's time to get Elijah ready for bed and somewhere in there let's do laundry and anything else that only mom's can do it seems.

Next Thursday we are going to head down to Dauphin Island, AL to camp through Sunday. I am so looking forward to some family down time. It is so less stressful when we camp. We are taking our bikes to ride around. So I plan on getting some exercise that way. Plus just good ole fashioned playing with my kids.
Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement everyone has given. I am truly blessed by the Lord!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Week 5

Ok so week 5 has come and gone. I did not participate in this weeks boot camp. I went home from work sick on Wednesday with some kind of bug. I was running a fever and throwing up. When I called Jan to find out who I should call in the morning if it was still going on, she informed me even if it was not, to not come anywhere near them on Thursday. I was still sick that morning, but actually missed weekly meeting.
Not that I like to be up and at the gym at 5am by any stretch of the imagination. But I do like seeing everyone and how they are doing. It is a boost to the moral. And aside from that devil err spinning class I enjoy the group work out. This week they did Zumba............OF COURSE!! The one class I was looking forward to taking. Now I know that they offer other Zumba classes at the plex. But (I mean no disrespect to anyone) with our group I know there is not a class full of skinny mini's and I thought I wouldn't feel so out of place learning it with everyone else.
Another step out of my comfort zone. I will make one of those classes before my membership expires.
Although I am hoping by the time this program is done, I can continue the membership. I really enjoy being able to go workout and the variety of classes the plex offers. I would love to do a family membership and take Hannah with me. Yes I will work on that.

I did step on the scale the other day and although not "official" I have lost back the weight I gained the week before.And probably more since I couldn't hold food down for almost 36 hours. I am still doing PT. The knee is getting better. It does not hurt all the time like it did before. I don't think I am ready to run or walk miles yet. But one step at a time I am building to that.
I am going to have to do a little bit of catch up when I can get back to walking/jogging. I have to at least be able to walk the 5k at the end of April which feels like it is next week.
I don't think I will be winning this competition by any means. But I will be able to finish that walk/run if it is the death of me.

So that is my week. Not all that exciting. I have had those feelings of self doubt and failure this week. I really think the devil is whispering in my ear that I should just quit. the knee injury the being sick, gaining weight last week. It has been an emotional struggle not to just give up like I have in the past when things start to go bad.
I keep reminding myself that I am worth it. I am worth the effort to keep on pushing. That this is just a temporary set back. That even if I haven't been able to exercise as much as I like that I am still moving in PT and that I am eating better and smaller portions. That I have broke the addiction of soda daily.
I read that book "Made to Crave" and now have one of the verses on my phone and on my computer at work to reminded me that even if I can't do everything physically I would like right now, I can still control what goes in my mouth. All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial. I Corinthians 6:12

Hope everyone had a blessed week and that this next week will be even better.
Tomorrow Hannah and I are going to try to go to a CD premier for one of the guys from the meltdown. He is releasing his new Christian CD. I am all about supporting local Christians as they spread the word for God. We should all support ministry we believe in. But that is a whole different post.
If you want to check him out go here and if your not doing anything tomorrow Saturday the 5th come with Hannah and I. It starts at 3pm and is at Wayside Church of Deliverance in the gym. The address is 1504 Clinton-Raymond Rd.