Friday, May 20, 2011

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you ever catch yourself  looking deep into your own eyes? They say the eyes are the portal to the soul. What do you see when you look? Or do you just stay away from looking that deep into yourself?
This thought has been on my mind lately. As most of you know I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia this week. Myself and those around me have known for a while really that there was more going on with me then just my Lupus.  But when the doctor blows you off, you start to loose faith. When the people you love treat you like your making it up and it's all in your head. You loose any hope you had.

That is where I have been the last few months. I spoke of it before. A kind of blah. I was living my life, but I wasn't enjoying my life. Every time I looked in the mirror I began to see this change in me. I was starting to see pain, brokenness, fear. And then I started to wonder if I should be seeing clinically insane? Because really can someone truly be in pain all over like this for so long with no real explanation?
Well on Wednesday I found out that the answer to that question is YES!! I am not a freak, hypochondriac, or just making this stuff up.

I know it is hard for other people to understand. I know it would be so much easier if I was wearing a full body cast for people to see that it hurts from head to toe. But I don't have that option. I just have my words.
At the doctors office I was crying as he was telling me things, I bet you have this, or I bet you feel this. As I said yes to each of these things it was like being at a carnival where they guess your age or name and you kinda get freaked out. He was telling me stuff that I kept hid. Stuff I can't say to people. Things that would hurt those I love and love me back.

It was later that night that when I looked in the mirror that I still saw the broken me, but I caught a glimpse of something else, hope maybe?  What ever it was I wish it great luck and becoming the first thing I see when I look. I want it to win, I want to see the happy and loving person I know I am. Not the one in constant pain and bitterness. Not the one who feels as if I am on the verge of a psychotic break down. Who just wants to crawl in a hole and stay a while.

1 comment:

  1. Very well said Heather. I have FMS and I understand the feelings that go with it. And that part about the dr. telling you what you feel as if he can read your mind - I remember how freaky that was. I hope you can come to peace with the diagnosis and your loved ones learn to understand. It can take some time, everyone is adjusting but things will not always seem so bleak. #1 rule: take care of yourself (or you can't take care of anyone else) (((hugs))) Lisa