Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Research Paper dum dum dum

Health. Such an easy word. Not hard to spell, You can be in "bad" or "good" and most people understand what you mean. However, health can be a tricky thing. It is one thing that a majority of people take for granted (imo).

I have had a love/hate relationship with my personal health, from the time I was little I have been in and out of hospitals and for many of the times they never really knew what was going on with me, fevers that were so high I would hallucinate. I can remember the spinal taps, the laying in the hospital bed with only undies on. This went on for several years and to this day have no clue why or what was wrong. I can only imagine what that put my parents through. As a parent I fret and fright over every sniffle it seems, but more on that later.

Around the age of 14 or so I was diagnosed with Lupus and Endometriosis, (most of you know this stick with me) Lupus wasn't something new to me as my mother has it also. But I have a different outlook on it now then I did as a kid. It has been brought to the front of my mind lately because my daughter is doing a research paper on it. She naturally has fears and thought that she could learn more about this disease that corrupts her families dna. What she didn't expect was to have to have an out of family source. In trying to help her with finding someone to talk to about it I got to thinking how much do I really know? Not much really. I know what I have learned over the years from my own mother. I know that when I over do it I get really tired, so tired most people just don't understand that it takes every bit of energy to get out of bed and most the time the smile I give is just to hide the tears. Most people don't know that almost every part of my body hurts almost all the time. They also don't know that although I am obese, I have tried to loose weight and most times I get started only to go into a flare and get put on steroids which then makes me gain more weight then I started to loose. Depression is very easy when it comes to this disease. I fight a battle daily.
I am not talking suicide or anything although I have had my own dark moments in life like most have. I am talking about really enjoying the days where I feel better. Being able to enjoy my kids before they are grown and on their own. It is harder with a 2 year old now. When he brings the little toys to me and says "mama play" and it hurts my fingers and wrists so bad to hold that little toy, but the joy it brings him far out ways it. These are the real deal things that I want Hannah to know, but that I will never tell her! Yeah she knows Mom has to take it easy sometimes, Mom has to try to stay out of the sun and use lots of sunscreen. But I as a parent don't want her to know the true dirt. She shouldn't have that worry!!!

I want her to do well on her paper, I want her to get as much info as she needs, but AUGH when as a parent do you let them just learn? I have got her numbers of people to talk to, and have tried to help her with a list of questions to ask when she does call. I just don't want her to open that Pandora's box in her mind and have her start to worry about all the bad things that can happen, because well a kid shouldn't worry about when or if their parents organs are gonna shut down. How my body plays war with itself daily.

I now look back at how my parents must of felt when I was diagnosed. They knew about this disease and what it can and does do to a person. When Elijah was 4 months old he spent almost a week in the hospital and I fretted as much as a parent could I thought. This poor kid has been sick more in his little life then Hannah ever was. It worries me as it does any parent I am sure. But now I take into consideration how my parents must of felt, funny how the older we get the smarter our parents get (Hi mom and dad).

So I let you have this glimpse into my heart. Please don't think I write these words for sympathy. It is just a place to share my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for reading ya'll :-)

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